Until you’ve worked in retail, you do not understand what it is like to truly detest people.The only thing longer than the list of times I’ve told myself and everyone who would listen that “I swear I’m quitting tomorrow”, is the list of daily acts of stupidity that I experience each shift. If it weren’t frowned upon, this would actually make for a very fast-paced drinking game.
1. The customer who makes the old “Guess it must be free” joke when an item is missing a tag. You, my friend, get a D for originality.
2. The customer who brings 1,792 items of clothing to the register only to change their mind the minute they arrive, buying 2, and leaving you a pile of crap to put back in place.
3. The customers who mistake you for Chives, their personal butler, and leave everything they try on in a pile on the dressing room floor.
4. The customer who asks for a double bag or a larger bag even though all they bought was a tank top. Way to ruin the planet with your excess plastic, you jerk.
5. The customer who screams at you because of an item, size, color of a certain item that you don’t sell as if you have any power or control over those choices.
6. The customer who actually screams at you because of anything, when you have about as much power as the youngest sibling when trying to decide what channel to put on.
7. The customer who tries to pay for a $40 dollar purchase with two different credit cards, a handful of quarters and a pint of blood from their first-born. Shopaholics Anonymous is a thing.
8. The customer who gives you the “Well then where do YOU go to the bathroom?” lecture when you tell them you don’t have a restroom.
9. The customer who says, “(Insert store here) has better quality clothing/nicer staff/better hours”. Probably. Why don’t you go annoy them then?
10. The customer who curses you out because you got in a box of fur vests as if you personally went out and skinned a bunch of adorable baby rabbits. I’m just as unhappy about this as you, lady.
11. The customer who drops or bumps into something, knocking it onto the floor, looks at it and walks away. I wonder if I could put “maid” on my resume, under special skills.
12. The customer who asks “Is that on sale?” after each item you scan. (And then decides not to purchase all the ones that aren’t on sale.
13. The customer who walks right on in at 8:49 PM when you close at 9:00 PM. There is a special place in hell for people who do this, by the way.
14. The customer who gets an attitude because their coupon, which would save them about $3.50 is expired.
15. When an item is almost out of stock and a customer is trying to fit into a dress two sizes two small and proceeds to ask “How do I look?” What I want to say: Like a cooked cupcake when you accidentally added too much batter. What I have to say: I love that color on you.
16. The customer who asks your opinion between two equally ugly tops. That bright yellow button-up goes well with your skin tone, but that hot pink paisley really brings out your awful taste in fashion.
17. The customers who attempt to return an item that they purchased on September 3rd, 1872.
18. The customer who practically licks their entire hand before counting their cash to pay you. Just what I need to top off my terrific shift, saliva and disease.
19. The customer who spends 45 minutes at the register, holding up the line, deciding piece by piece what they actually want to buy. Little tip; do that before you get to the damn register.
20. The customer who asks to see your manager or supervisor, just for said manager or supervisor to reiterate to them exactly what you told them, thus wasting all your time.
21. Customers who stand outside the store an hour before opening. Get a life.
22. The customer who asks why you seem like you don’t want to be there. Because I could literally be at a bar with my friends, watching Netflix on my couch or in a bikini on a Yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean (maybe not that one); and instead I’m here with you.