How To Throw Your Life Away

1. Stay in bed until mid-afternoon.

You set your alarm for 8 a.m., didn’t you? Maybe even a respectable 10 or 11 a.m.? But you snoozed again. And now you’re sitting in bed mad at yourself for wasting half of your day already.

2. Watch reruns on Netflix and stare at your MacBook screen until you feel like your vision’s been damaged.

New Girl? Friends? To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before? You already know what happens and you are all caught up on your shows. I know there’s a certain comfort in knowing how it ends, but do you really need to see Lara Jean profess her love for Peter a seventh time? The answer is no.

3. Hole up in your room.

There’s this thing called the outdoors, and you should probably get some air that isn’t tainted with JUUL vapors. Also, there’s a you-shaped dent on your bed and that’s kind of sad, no?

4. Be stationary.

Since you’ve already got some shoes on, you might as well walk, right? Just walk around the block. Go appreciate nature. Keep an eye out for a dog or two. Stop and smell the roses, or some other cliche saying. The butt prints you left on the couch will still be there when you get back. They won’t miss you too much. In fact, they’ll be happy you left.

5. Be a bitch.

I know things aren’t going your way (or any way, for that matter), but your family and friends are just trying to help and be there for you. Directing your anger about how your life sucks right now towards them won’t do anyone any good. You’ll feel even shittier afterwards. And yes, that is possible.

6. Don’t believe in yourself.

It’s hard, I know. But there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel, even if your head is too far up your ass throwing endless pity parties to see it right now. Chin up, love. You’ve got a whole life to start living.