40 Thoughts From the Mind Of An Irrational Claustrophobe

Lilit Matevosyan
Lilit Matevosyan

claus·tro·pho·bic / klôstrəˈfōbik/ adjective –
friend in group teased constantly about getting weirded out by things that no one else gives a sh*t about.

1. *opening gift* “Please don’t be a turtleneck, please don’t be a turtleneck…”

2. *pulls out turtleneck* “Please baby Jesus, let there be a gift receipt!”

3. *see no gift receipt* “I don’t care if they give me a $3 credit, I can barely breathe just looking at this. Why don’t you just f*cking give me a noose next time, Grandma…”

4. *push to call elevator* “Holy shit, is the entire BUILDING going to floor 9? Waving them off, just kidding guys…”

5. *4 calls later, empty lift* “Oh thank God! No one to shove me into the corner! Whew!”

6. *elevator stops for more* “Okay, you know the drill! Stick by the buttons! No I’LL PUSH THE FLOOR YOU WANT! GET BACK DEVIL WOMAN!”

7. *see sign for construction ahead* “Ok slow down, no big deal, breathe…”

8. *see sign for narrow lane & merger for construction* “There are SO many cones. Omg. Do I hit the cones? Do I hit the other car’s door mirrors? Which do I aim at because I’m DEFINITELY HITTING SOMETHING!

9. *see construction continues on bridge* “Oh, so this is where I die. This is where we all die.”

10. *see construction zone ending* “I’ve never been so happy! I’m crying tears of joy. Thank you universe! Where’s my Xanax?”

11. *calls clinic to schedule MRI* “Sooo, I’m going to need a sedative. No, I’m not over exaggerating. 30 minutes? Soooo, I’m going to need anesthesia…”

12. *goes to work conference* “What do you mean we have to wait in the hall? There’s an entire ballroom, and we’re all in this little. Tiny. Hall. Closing. In…”

13. *meet & greet @ work conference* “I didn’t realize being a close talker was a requirement for the company, apparently. Ah-choo! That’s right. Fake cold. Starting. Right. Meow.”

14. *cocktail hour @ work conference* “Scoot over in the booth? I’m saving this seat. Sorry. (channels inner mean girl à la Gretchen Wieners) YOU-CAN’T-SIT-WITH-US!”

15. *cuts slit where hoodie connects* “Yaaaaas, so much better!”

16. *washes said hoodie* “DID IT RESEW ITSELF IN THE DRYER??? Why does this feel like a dog collar again? Are there elves in there or something?”

17. *cuts said hoodie into off-the-shoulder sweatshirt* “Who am I kidding, I never put the hood up anyway…”

18. *bestie wants to ride the rollercoaster* “NOPE! No, I’m not scared of heights. No, I don’t get motion sickness. Yes, being entrapped in a harness like a rabid zoo animal is SCARIER than falling off during a loopty-loop! Don’t judge me!”

19. *bestie shoots you dirty look as you ride the tilta-whirl* “I’m mentally flipping you off. I said I don’t like harnesses, I didn’t say I was a pansy-ass. Don’t judge me.”

20. *log ride attendant locks lap bar tighter than necessary* “Seriously, wth?! You just ruined everything! Judging you. You’re the reason I can’t have nice park rides!”

21. *fam heads for car* “Shotgun! Shotgun! SHOTGUUUUUN!”

22. *gets told to climb in back* “Hello, Uber? Yes I need a ride…”

23. *Uber pulls up already ¾ full* “Huh? Nope, wasn’t me. I was just walking… oh the callback number isn’t necessary. What ringing?!?”

24. *babysits nephew* “No, Auntie doesn’t want to wear a cape. Yes, I can still be your sidekick. I SAID I DON’T WANT TO WEAR A CAPE OK!”

25. *still babysitting nephew* “Just a little horsey ride. Hey! WTF HOW IS YOUR LITTLE GRIP SO STRONG? Toddler fingers of death, Lord help me. Horsey down! Horsey ready for nite-nite.”

26. *puts on necklace* “Holy neck rub, Batman! Adjust! Adjust! Can’t breathe!”

27. *lowers necklace* “That’s better… False! IT JUST TUGGED MY HAIR! It’s strangling me secondary-style! Death from behind!”

28. *aborts mission princess-length chain* “Annnnnnd this is why all my necklaces are opera length at minimum…”

29. *movie night* “I don’t care if Ryan Reynolds is in it, I’m NOT watching Buried! Yes, I hear myself, yes I know I love Ryan Reynolds… the title. Is. BURIED!”

30. *pops in Titanic* “That isn’t romance. Getting me to the lower level of anything, much less a boat, would be a cold day in hell. And in the BACKSEAT of a car? A small space inside another small space? I can’t even…. I just can’t…”

31. *puts band-aid on heel again* “Small price to pay compared to feet suffocating. Double knots are for psychos…”

32. *GoogleMaps route to wedding* “I have to drive through a tunnel? No thank you. RSVP not attending due to your location being complete sh*t. Annnnnd stamp!”

33. *looks at FB invite* “Cave exploration? No thank you. Not going due to your idea of a Sunday Funday being a crawl around in hell. Do you even know me? Annnnnd click.”

34. *looks at plane ticket* “Yes I would like to upgrade to a seat with more legroom. And less neighbors. I would like to buy a row of seats. No ma’am, it’s just me.”

35. *flips through closet for shirts* “Peter pan collar? Nope. Mandarin collar? Negative. Button up? Only if left un-buttoned. Crew neck? Mmmmmaybe.”

36. *throws on crew neck, get stuck putting head through* “Code red. CODE RED! How do guys rip their t-shirts with their hands? Hulk-style? Help!”

37. *sets entire wardrobe* (but v-necks & boho wear) on fire “That’s better! No more wine & Amazon for me, that’s for sure!”

38. *new BAE attempts to cuddle* “Oh, um, so, uh, well, err…. Can you just like, not, you know…touch me? No, I like you. I just need an escape route, you know? SO not a sleep-cuddler…”

39. *new BAE turns off bedroom fan* “Time out. That has to be on. What do you mean there is too much air? That isn’t a thing. There is NO SUCH THING as too much air!”

40. *new BAE tucks blankets into bed* “Hello, Uber?” TC mark

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