10 Truths For Every Former Serial Monogamist Who’s Still Figuring Out How To Be Single
By Jaqui Duncan
1. You deserve to DO YOU!
As a former serial monogamist, you’re fully confident in your ability to compromise. You’ve mastered balancing time between an SO, family, friends & work. Commitment doesn’t scare you.
Setting your own agenda – THAT’S the new territory. And guess what? You freakin’ deserve it. Get lost in the music without checking your phone. Embrace going where the night takes you, because the only person you’re answering to is you. It’s a beautiful power to go where you want & do what you please.
Whether it’s taking a hike alone, a spontaneous road trip with friends, or a no-pants all-day Netflix binge; it’s amazing how much you learn about yourself when you’re free to do so.
2. Your friends support, not judge, you.
Your taken-self never worried what your crew thought about your sex life. Be honest, a few drinks into girl’s night chicks dish details like it’s our job. You whispered the story of your partner’s attempt to act out a fantasy or laughed at a failed go at a new kink without batting an eye. It’s 100% human to have a sex life when you’re taken. Please, you know your friends would never judge you for sleeping with your boyfriend…
So why would they judge you as a free agent? You probably felt that way at first, but it didn’t take long to realize you were just making assumptions. Like, oh yeah, you aren’t a nun! And neither are they! Weird! Real friends don’t slut shame!
Whether you’re proud of every decision or have the occasional oops moment, you find yourself throwing the gritty details out just like the old days. Hey, they’re your people. They just want you to be happy – that includes getting laid. It’s pretty great to learn just how much they have your back with every single shenanigan. Spill bitch, they live for this shit!
3. You listen to your gut, no fucks given.
Wifed-up you is a pro at the 5 W’s: who, what, when, where, why? Communication is key to any relationship. Honesty is ingrained in your system & you’re accustomed to it being productive. Thing is, you could also be talked out of it. Because trust, amirite?
In a perfect world this would apply to dating too but it doesn’t take long to see that isn’t always the case. It’s good to be real, but some connections don’t need a high level of openness. Or deserve one.
Not feeling it? That’s enough of an explanation. Skeptical feeling you can’t shake? Probably legit. You don’t have to divulge everything to someone you just met. Your intuition is more accurate than you gave it credit for when shacked up. Being independent really shows how little you owe others, especially if it means short changing yourself in the long run.
4. You’re your biggest critic.
And you’re hot as hell. People addicted to being bae always have one thing in common: the love of a comfort zone. They’ve seen you at your worst & know all your quirks. They respect your insecurities & hardly question them because that’s just how you are – right? It can be intimidating to go from a world where morning breathe, smeared mascara, and (gasp) bodily functions are in the safety net to I-just-met-you judgment territory.
Until that one guy mentions how cute your bed head is. And the one after that texts you that he can’t get your fat ass (in a good way) off his mind. And the guy after that laughs in an “it’s not a big deal” way, saying stouts give him the burps too (but they’re so good it’s worth it) while he orders another round. Like it’s nothing. Why? Because it’s actually nothing. Your so-called “flaws” are the exact reason someone is attracted to you. That “thing you do” that your ex thought was really weird turns out to be a common habit of someone else.
Over time you learn that anyone who won’t see you again because of something superficial like stretch marks, chub rub or an ill- timed sneeze is just an asshole. You’re better off without him, don’t sweat it.
5. Overthinking is real.
When your status is Locked Down there is no such thing as a double text, misread sarcasm, being too attentive or too available. And so you flow as always, that is until someone calls you clingy. Wait, what?
Your auto pilot breaks the so-called rules of right swipe world. Shit! Then it starts: I won’t respond right away. Is it too soon to invite them out with my friends? Can I post on their wall? It’s just a GIF right? He said this, but I’m sure he really meant that… I’ll pretend it doesn’t bother me he liked her photo. Is he playing this song because he relates it to me? *deep breath* Walking the line of keeping your chill and not presenting yourself as status: wall up can be exhausting.
This new reality can teach you a lot about your needs: what is actually important or is just a habit you’re better off breaking. Slowing your roll can be a beneficial lesson if you’ve always dove in head first before.
6. …but gaslighting is real AF too.
Does your experience as a dynamic duo make you a little naive as a solo rider? For sure. But does that mean your history is utterly worthless knowledge? Hell no.
Yeah, sometimes you need to dial it down a little. Some things should be taken at surface value and you over complicate it. Other times? If they’re saying one thing and doing another, it could very well be bullshit. If you sense they want their cake and to eat it too but are trying to convince you otherwise, you’re allowed to raise a brow. You aren’t always crazy, you aren’t always “making it more than it is”. Sometimes they’re just a DICK. After all, you know what goes into being Grade-A girlfriend material. You know the stages of a relationship moving levels.
Don’t second guess your expertise. When you see signs but are told you don’t get the label, you aren’t being a stage 5 clinger. He’s just a douchelord. Next please…
7. Just because they look good on paper, doesn’t mean you’re feelin’ it.
He’s tall and handsome. He has a good job. He takes you on real dates. He doesn’t have a roommate. He’s a polite conversationalist. He is everything you thought you wanted… until you kissed and felt nothing.
What the fuck?!? You spend all this time weeding through fuck boys to find a diamond in the rough just to have ZERO chemistry? Maybe your friends tell you you’re jaded now, maybe your family says you’re being too picky. Thing is, when you’ve devoted most of your life to a relationship that doesn’t pan out you become pretty in-tuned to “the spark”. And that’s ok.
They don’t have to be a bad person to not be YOUR person. And you don’t have to force anything that isn’t there. You don’t have to settle for shit, even if they’re everything you thought you wanted.
8. You can’t help who you fall for.
Once upon a time you couldn’t wrap your head around relationship status: it’s complicated. You just didn’t get your friends who cried over almost-relationships. You thought everyone was making it too damn hard.
And now if you could go back in time you would apologize to them all. Dating has gray areas for a variety of reasons. There’s the nice guy: perfect wedding date, vanilla fuck, you respect but can’t see yourself long term with. The douchebag: the dude your friends hate, you can’t take seriously, but lord almighty is he worth the 1AM text. (Plus you’re seriously glad he never stays over, that’s a sober conversation that doesn’t need to happen.) The sweetheart: has your full attention for a couple weeks, brings you soup when you’re sick, & after a conversation of differences parts ways with amicably. The career man: isn’t in town consistently enough to know better, but is nice to catch up with over dinner. Also, the bat-shit crazy one, the ghoster, the girl crush, the pot head, the musician, and so on…
You used to believe your head and heart stayed on the same page. False. Someone fell for you when you felt nothing. And sometimes the one person you aren’t supposed to fall for is the one person you can’t get out of your head. The heart wants what it wants, it just is what it is.
9. You can’t put your eggs in a basket that isn’t there.
You functioned with tunnel vision for so long that you thought it was the only way to be. After all, how can something work out if you aren’t fully invested?
Granted this is true to a certain extent, but your opinion on it has definitely changed. Things you used to consider disrespectful you now value. Because now you understand! It’s not the 1950’s. C’mon why take yourself off the market for someone whose true colors haven’t shown? When you direct all of your attention to one person only, you have the tendency to overlook & forgive factors that frankly you shouldn’t. There’s a healthiness to seeing who pulls ahead of the pack. There’s a confidence in saying “I already have plans” because if they were really that into you, they would have asked you first. If someone wants your time and attention, they’ll earn it. After all, don’t you deserve to receive as much as you give?
Now, you’ll never make someone a priority who sees you as an option. And that’s a pretty badass place to be.
10. You aren’t perfect – but you will be to the right person.
There’s nothing that can replace first hand experience. You know the value of having someone long term in your life, and even though you’re single as fuck you still believe in love.
But now, you also believe in lust. And friendship. And the value of having a crazy story or two. You trust yourself more. You know what environment brings out your best & which ones bring out your worst. Sometimes, we think we are a certain way only because we don’t know any different. For the first time ever, you started answering to yourself & things became clear. Flipping from a serial monogamist to a free bird may have been scary as hell, but you wouldn’t trade it for anything, You take something away from every experience you have & it’s made you a better person.
You used to be someone’s other half. Now you’re whole all by yourself. And you know that when it’s right, someone will come along and love ALL of you. Not pieces, not parts, the whole damn package. Someone who wouldn’t dream of making you a half, because they’d never ask you to be less. Until then, you are perfectly content coming home to YOU. Or you know, whoever your current learning curve is… but most of all: YOU! After all, a princess needs a prince to live happily ever after. But a Queen can rule a kingdom with OR without a King.