I thought I was a “talker” – that’s what they always said –
surely shootin’ off my mouth, instead of sayin’ it in my head.
I claimed I wore my “heart on sleeve” – off the cuff I rolled –
I like ya, I love ya, I want nothing from ya, never shy of bold.
Saw myself as introspective – raised to stand my ground –
‘cuz if you know, for what you stand, no one can knock you down.
I knew I lost my way – if only for awhile –
to say he didn’t dim my flame would only be denial.
Convinced myself that I was better – his grasp on me released –
my biggest fear: stay broken & watch history repeat.
I thought I turned the tables – to another I’d never fall –
This time I’d control it, every shot would be my call.
I remember the night I met you – cat rarely gets my tongue-
unlike me to say, avoidant to stay: the morning never comes.
I hardly miss an exit – heart never skips a beat –
I never let a kiss like that bring me to my knees.
The notion seemed impossible – immortal my heart’s style –
I viewed it as irrelevant I melted when you’d smile.
I always thought I was spontaneous – living in the now –
but with you I craved tomorrow, despite my former vow.
I figured I could show you – the idea plain to see –
I believed that I was wise enough to vocalize my plea.
I aspired to be tactful – I swear I had rehearsed –
but when I opened up my mouth, what came out just made it worse…
I know I dug my own grave – they say you’re filled with hate –
& I’d imagine that you’d hate me more if you knew what else I’d say.
I wish that I could change things – but we both know I can’t –
& I swear to God it kills me that things ended as they stand.
Yet if I got a second chance – if fate let me try again –
with option to erase you from my history of men:
I wouldn’t chose the recourse – I wouldn’t pick the latter –
I’d break my heart all over just to meet you, for the matter.
I viewed myself a “talker” – perceived myself as strong –
I thought a million things of me you clearly proved as wrong.
While it kills me you despise me – what would pain me even more –
would be to never see your cocky grin waiting at the door.
I would rather taste your memory – though certainty of tears –
than to be void of your lessons ever-ringing in my ears.
I realize it seems senseless – to concede into the pain –
but you showed that it’s possible to feel my heart again.
And I doubt that you’ll forgive me – forget me, is my bet –
Still I’m thankful you’re the one I lost & not the one I never met.