I Told Myself I Didn’t Like You

Eleazar
Eleazar

I don’t like you, of this I’m sure. I can convince myself of anything.
It’s a gift & a curse to protect one’s self so well
that you aren’t even aware of it happening.

I know how it seems, I know how it goes: the erratic transition,
I’m hot, then I’m cold.
Like a sudden rain shower makes you cover and run
then as soon as you reach shelter
out comes the sun.

It’s exhausting to you
exasperating to me
I told myself I don’t like you – but I can’t leave you be??

This wall took precision, construction takes time.
And you don’t try to break it, hell you aren’t even mine.

That was the deal from the very first start
I signed on in agreeance, familiar the part

This role that I chose worked so well before
The slightest hint of hesitation
and I’m out the door.

One trigger from you = one reaction from me.
Another justification of how this wall came to be.

Because it’s black or it’s white. We are or we aren’t.
You can’t lose in the end when there’s never a start.

I can’t be a victim if I’m not in your hand.
Cue the lights, draw the curtain, and signal the band.

I know my role & I know my place.
You’ll f*ck up your lines & I get to save face.

May I say, may I add, it’s just coincidence
when you call
I leave others
wondering where I went.

It must be the sex. It must be the wine.
I told myself I don’t like you– I’ve made up my mind.

It must be your issues,
it must be the way you get into my head with the games that you play:

-You don’t pull me in -You don’t stop me when I go
-You don’t cater to me when I’m out of control.

-And when I shut down you give me my space.
What I say, what I do, you just….take me at face?!

The audacity you have! Who do you think you are?
To hold me responsible for my actions so far?

My role is the one who runs out the clock.
You’re supposed to push. I’m supposed to block.

You’re the one who falls. I’m the one who goes
You must be the responsible for switching the roles!

I can’t break your walls without tearing my own.
I don’t like you reflecting the truth that I’ve known:

just because it is buried doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Making others find it for you just simply isn’t fair.

What I don’t like about you– is what I don’t like about me!
Swallowing my pride makes it so hard to breathe…

It’s easier to blame others shoving ideals down my throat
then to admit that just maybe… I’m the reason I choke.

By the time I had realized the matter at hand the ”victim” wasn’t me.
It was the outcome I planned.

Every action I took got the reaction deserved.
I just didn’t anticipate becoming so unnerved

by your ability to give me exactly what was asked.
You didn’t change the roles. You simply stayed the path.

Now my woulda-coulda-shoulda’s won’t get me anywhere.
I told myself I don’t like you…turns out I’ve always cared

Yet now the role I’ve mastered
the sturdy wall I’ve built
is holding self-infliction of my own remorse and guilt.

I can convince myself of anything, or so, I used to say.
By holding myself back I hurt myself along the way.

I don’t like you I said, at least this I am sure of.
But I didn’t fall “in-like” with you, instead fell in love.

So cue the lights & curtains, warm the band to start.
As I play the role now mastered for breaking my own heart.

And I wish that I could hate you, or simply curse the time.
But I only have myself to blame

for you were never mine. TC mark

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