I felt your breath on my neck as your lips trailed towards my mouth. When your lips pressed against mine, I felt it. I felt the coldness; the same cold that tore us apart; the fire has died; not even embers are left in sight; I was drowning in the tides of your control, my self-respect was getting washed away in the rapids of your lust and all of a sudden, I swam my way back to shore.
I shoved you away with the words, “Let’s stop this.”
As I got in my clothes and darted my way out of the room, it felt like it was my first time to breathe again. I was not gasping for air anymore. I was out of your thumb. I felt saved. I am free.
You and I were magic for the past year and a half but we were weaker than our storms. Eventually, we fell apart. We gave up. But a few weeks after we parted, we still had moments of meeting each other. You sometimes told me you missed me though I was not sure if you meant it. Because of my residual feelings, I consented to still hug and kiss you; I shared with your sexual elation even though we knew there was no “Us” anymore.
We were no longer lovers but there are times that when we did “it”, I still felt or pretended like we were. You were a machine: cold and made of steel– acting purely on an energy which is clearly not love. They called it lust and it reeks every time you kissed me. I thought I was strong enough to be your “love machine… your boy toy” not only because I have needs but because I still loved you. However, I did not feel loved in return but used. So I chose to paddle my way out from your sea of blankets.
As a fool who always said Yes to you, I want to say: No.
I will no longer be the subject of your lustful fantasies. I am through with placating your pangs of loneliness and desperation. I will no longer do things for you because I was born to be no less than someone worth loving. I am someone worth more than the expressions of lust and lust per se. I am worth the expressions of love and love per se.
No. You will no longer taste my lips or feel the warmth of my hugs. Deal with your loneliness and I will pave my way to my personal happiness. I will no longer dwell in our past. I am wise enough to realize that I cannot correct my mistake with another mistake. Though I thought that being your “sexual pistol” might have helped you in some ways, you were destroying me in a lot of means.
Enough is enough. I do not need your ghosts; I need someone to make me feel that I should have the best things in life and not merely the pleasures in bed.
No. You will no longer run your fingers through my hair and everything that I am right now will be someone else’s someday. Someone who will whisper “I love you” to me everyday because I deserve to hear and feel that in many ways; because I am not meant to settle for a string of moans and grunts at night; because I am meant to love and be loved by a real lover and I am not your machine.
No. I am not blaming you for the misfortunes and exploitations but I have already drawn the line . You will no longer take me to your sexual nirvanas because my skin deserves to be soaked in the realities of real, unadulterated love, care and affection.
No. We cannot and we will not do “it”/this anymore.
As a person who always said No to myself, I want to say:
Yes. I forgive you to forgive myself.
Yes. I will stop being the genie of your sexual wishes and uphold self-respect and self-worth above all to gain respect from the people and things around me.
Yes, my values and morality will now rise above my loneliness and desperations.
I will make use of my nights thinking about my dreams and life, instead of tossing and turning on the rhythms of your sensual manipulations.
Yes, my mornings will now be filled with hope and sunlight as regrets, guilt and remorse have been exiled from my thoughts.
Yes, I will soar above my past. I will dive into the future and leave you behind. I will nestle in the arms of someone who does not only need me at night but someone who needs and wants me at all times of the day.
Yes, I will look forward to waking up someday next to the person I love and truly loves me the most—-a person who will not make me feel the struggles of holding on but will lay me down in the tranquilities of just being held.
Yes, I have saved and will always save myself.
Yes, I will no longer settle for anything lesser than love.
Yes, I am free.