By January Nelson Updated January 17, 2021

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Priscilla Du Preez

By January Nelson Updated January 17, 2021

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Priscilla Du Preez

Funny dad jokes will break the ice at any party or social event. They’re so bad that people can’t help but laugh. Here are some hilarious, bad jokes to use the next time you want to make more friends. Or when you want to impress the friends you already have:

Bad Jokes that will make your friends laugh (or groan)

1. Why are there fences around cemeteries? Everyone’s always dying to get in.
2. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
3. Have you heard the rumor about butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
4. Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece!
5. Why are colds bad criminals? They’re easy to catch.
6. Do you want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It’s tearable.
7. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk!
8. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing. They fast.
9. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
10. Why don’t oysters donate to charity? They’re shellfish.
11. What did the zebra say the first time he saw a piano? “Dad?”
12. Two fish are in a tank. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
13. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
14. A company is making glass coffins. Whether they’re successful remains to be seen.
15. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
16. Did you see the documentary about beavers? It was the best dam show I ever saw!
17. Why did the baby cookie cry? Its mother was a wafer so long.
18. What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree? A branch manager.
19. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time!
20.  What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye, matey!”
21. Did you hear about the beautiful wedding? Even the cake was in tiers.
22. What kinds of pictures do hermit crabs take? Shellfies.
23. What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
24. What do you get a man with the heart of a lion? A lifetime ban from the zoo.
25. I witnessed an attempted murder earlier—fortunately only one crow showed up!
26. What did the teacher do with the student’s report on cheese? She grated it.
27. Which knight invented King Arthur’s Round Table? Sir Cumference.
28. What’s the action like at a circus? In-tents.
29. What did one wall say to the other? Meet me at the corner!
30. Did you hear about the mediocre restaurant on the moon? It has great food but no atmosphere.
31. What does a baby computer call its father? Data.
32. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
33.  What’s big, gray and doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
34. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side!
35. What’s the easiest way to make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail—it’ll be delighted!
36. Why don’t dinosaurs talk? Because they’re dead.
37. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

Funny dad jokes that will have kids and adults laughing

1. What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods? A satisfactory.
2. How do you organize an astronomer’s party? You planet.
3. Why was 6 afraid of 7? 7 ate 9.
4. How many tickles can an octopus take? Tentacles!
5. I want a job cleaning mirrors. It’s something I can really see myself doing.
6. What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh.
7. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
8. Why did Cyclops close his school? He only had one pupil.
9. You can’t make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
10. Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Then it’d be a foot.
11. What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.
12. What do you call a crab that plays baseball? A pinch hitter
13. What did one bean say to the other? How you bean?
14. Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged!
15. What happens when you witness a ship wreck? You let it sink in.
16. How can you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.
17. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
18. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is heavy and one is a little lighter.
19. Why did the snowman pick through a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.
20. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
21. What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.
22. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
23. What do you call a large African mammal with long hair and sandals? A hippie-potamus.
24. Did you hear about the guy who won the award for best knock knock joke? He won the no bell prize.
25. Why does Waldo only wear stripes? He doesn’t want to be spotted.
26. What grades did the pirate get on his report card? Seven Cs.
27. Why should you never eat a clock? It’s too time consuming.
28. What kind of car does an egg drive? A Yolkswagen.
29. What should a sick bird do? Get tweetment.
30. What’s the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.
31. What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One you’ll see later, the other you’ll see in a while.
32. What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants.
33. I tried buying camouflage the other day but I couldn’t find any.
34. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
35. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!
36. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

The best bad jokes that are insanely funny

1. Where do skunks pray? In pews.
2. If you’re American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you’re in the bathroom? European.
3. I should never have given my real email address to Rolex. Now I’m forever placed on some kind of watch list.
4. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies.
5. If you receive a picture of some meat in a tin from me to your email address… don’t worry, it’s just spam.
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. When is a door not really a door? When it’s really ajar.
8. If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
9. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
10. What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two.
11. You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
12. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
13. What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.
14. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They’re so good at it!
15. How do you catch a bra? With a booby trap.
16. How is a woman like a grenade? Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
17. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
18. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Poor guy really needed some space.
19. What’s the award for being the best dentist? A plaque.
20. Why can’t wildcats take tests? There are too many cheetahs.
21. How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg!
22. What was the mummy’s favorite type of music? Wrap.
23. What’s the loudest kind of pet you can get? A trumpet.
24. A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
25. Why do birds fly south for the winter? It’s too far to walk.
26. Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy.
27. How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed!
28. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed!
29. I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
30. What did Sushi A say to Sushi B? Wasa-B!
31. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
32. Have you heard the joke about the bed? No? That’s because it hasn’t been made yet.
33. How much does an influencer weigh? An Instagram.
34. You know why they called it “the dark ages?” There were too many knights.
35. Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if they had four doors, they’d be chicken sedans.
36. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

The best dad joke to break the ice at a party

1. What’s the No. 1 cause of divorce? Marriage!
2. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The P is silent.
3. Why did Cinderella get kicked off of the soccer team? She kept running from the ball!
4. I bought sneakers from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day!
5. Why did Mozart hate chickens? When he asked them for their favorite composer, they said, “Bach! Bach! Bach!”
6. Why did the toilet paper roll downhill? To get to the bottom.
7. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? Graaaaaaaains!
8. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
9. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
10. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
11. I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
12. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer.
13. How many ears do space aliens have? Three: The left ear, right ear and the final front ear.
14. What did the socks say to the pants? “‘Sup britches?!”
15. Cosmetic surgery used to be taboo, but now when you talk about Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
16. What’s a ninja’s favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!
17. What shivers at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
18. Why are groups of fish so smart? They travel in schools.
19. Why did the invisible man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
20. How much does the heaviest skeleton weigh? A skeleton.
21. What’s the derivative of Amazon? Amazon Prime.
22. What do you call a fish with two knees? A tunee fish.
23. What kind of music do windmills like? They’re big metal fans.
24.  The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
25. What do you call someone else’s cheese? Nacho cheese!
26.  I have the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible.
27.  Did you hear the one about the three watering holes in the ground? Well, well, well…
28. What do you call Samsung’s security team? The Guardians of the Galaxy!
29. What did the animals tell Simba when he walked too slow? Mufasa!
30. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels.
31. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.
32. What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!
33. What do hillbillies drink from? Hiccups.
34. What do you call a canine magician? A labracadabrador.
35. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
36. What’s even better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson.

Bad jokes that are actually good

1. I sold my vacuum yesterday. It was just collecting dust.
2. What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!
3. What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, it just waved.
4. What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.
5. Did you hear about the satellites’ wedding? The ceremony was OK, but the reception was terrific.
6. Which school supply is king? The ruler.
7. What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
8. What does a nosy pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!
9. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
10. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite.
11. What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? “Dam!”
12. Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory? Because he took a few days off.
13. What did the thumb say to the finger? “I’m in glove with you.”
14. What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek? You crack me up!
15.  How do snails fight? They slug it out.
16. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
17. How do prisoners communicate with one another? Cell phones.
18. What’s brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
19. What did Eminem say when 50 Cent made him a sweater? Gee, you knit?
20. I left my job at a shoe disposal plant. It was sole destroying.
21. Why did the golfer need new pants? Because he got a hole in one.
22. What kind of tea is hardest to swallow? Reality.
23. What did one elevator say to the other? I think I’m coming down with something.
24. What can you do if you’re scared of elevators? Take steps to avoid them.
25. Why do ghosts love elevators? Because they lift their spirits.
26. How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Tenants.
27. The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
28. What concert is worth just 45 cents? 50 Cent and Nickelback.
29. What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
30. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
31. The shovel was a truly groundbreaking invention.
32. Where did the computer go dancing? The Disc-o.
33. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
34. Why couldn’t the pirate sit down? His booty got stolen!
35. What’s the difference between Prince William and a tennis ball? One is heir to the throne and one is thrown in the air.
36. What did the over-excited gardener do when spring came? She wet her plants.
37. What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison!
38. What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
39. What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
40. What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!

Other funny, bad jokes for all your friends

1. What kind of dogs love car racing? Lap dogs!
2. I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.
3. What do you call it when one cow spies on another? A steak out!
4. What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet!
5. What do you call birds who stick together? Vel-crows.
6. My favorite word is “drool.” It just rolls off the tongue.
7. What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt.
8. What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
9. I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. But it’s only mild.
10. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
11. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
12. What do you call a bad amputation? A rip-off.
13. I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.
14. What don’t ants get sick? They have anty-bodies.