I Said Goodbye To Someone Toxic, But I Can't Say Goodbye To The Baggage

I Said Goodbye To Someone Toxic, But I Can’t Say Goodbye To The Baggage

I can’t sleep through the night. Any time there’s a sudden noise, I bolt awake, my heart pounding, my fear at the forefront of my mind. You trained me to tune into the smallest sounds, to keep an ear out for signs you were home, signs you were in a bad mood, signs you were going to make someone pay.

Even though you aren’t around anymore, even though there’s no chance you could track me down again, I can’t calm my racing pulse. I can’t convince myself everything is okay, the room is safe, I’m safe, because my subconscious won’t listen to reason. My body is in the present but my mind keeps getting pulled to the past. I’m never here, not entirely. I’m always dragged back to the hell you created. I’m always living in a waking nightmare.

It was hard to kick you out of my world. It took all my strength. It took every ounce of fight left in me — but even saying goodbye wasn’t good enough. You’re still doing damage, even though you’re long gone. You’re still making it hard for me to get through my days in one piece, without melting into a puddle of doubt.

I don’t want you to have a hold over me anymore, which is why you’re out of my world for good now. It’s why you’re deleted from my phone, why you’re blocked from my accounts. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize saying goodbye to you physically would only be the first step. I didn’t realize the emotional connection would be so much harder to sever. I didn’t realize you weren’t going anywhere, not really, not anytime soon.

I might have said goodbye to you, to someone dripping in toxicity, but I can’t seem to say goodbye to the baggage you gave me as a parting gift. It’s still weighing me down, heavy on my heart and shoulders. No matter how hard I try to shake it away, it keeps boomeranging back. Like it belongs to me. Like it’s mine forever. Like there’s no escape.

But I once thought you yourself were inescapable and proved myself wrong, so I’m not giving up yet.

I don’t want to be stuck in the past, especially since it’s such an uncomfortable place to reside. I don’t want to mess up my tomorrows because part of me is still dwelling on yesterday. I don’t want to hurt myself because you’ve already done enough of that already.

I want to be free from you, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I want to move on from the darkness you’ve cast overhead. I want to step out from the shadows and create my own light source.

I want to feel okay again. You took a lot away from me, but I won’t let you steal anymore.

Even though the damage you caused seems neverending, it’s getting a little bit better every single day. Eventually, I’m going to sleep through the night. Eventually, not even the ghost of you is going to haunt me. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University.