1. In a gay porn:

“Hey, Dave, good to see you. You’re looking tall.”

“Yeah, I’ve been playing a lot of basketball.”

2. “Omg your asshole is so hot!”

“You thought my asshole was cold?”

3. Alien woman: “Don’t move or I’ll shoot you with my sex ray gun.”

Guy: “No, not the sex ray gun!”

Woman: shoots

Guy: “I have a boner!”

You can’t make this crap up. I actually spent money to rent the damn movie at a video store! Porn from 20 years ago definitely had its ups and downs. I want a sex ray gun too!

4. The first time I heard a chick say, “Oh yeah, give me that fucking baby batter!” I died. I couldn’t even finish I was laughing so hard.

5. There’s this one movie where a girl catches her boyfriend and her mom fucking and she goes on this breathless rant about how they’ve never treated her with any respect. While they’re still fucking of course.

6. “This isn’t a beach, it’s a bathtub.”

“No body of water is safe without a lifeguard.”

“It’s two feet deep lady, what’re you doing here?”

7. “Fuck me like one of your french girls!” Yeah… I’m not proud of that one but whatever works.

8. “I miss your uncle so much. You remind me of him.”

“Well he is my uncle, it’s in our genes.”

“Speaking of genes (jeans), I want to get in yours.”

*rubs leg*

“Well, these are shorts.”

9. A guy came on the girl’s nose then said, “Looks like you sneezed.”

I laughed so hard, dick in hand.

10. Classic porn scenario – girl orders pizza, girl can’t pay for pizza.

Her: “Why don’t you just stay and hang out?”

Him: “Lady, I’ve got a job to do. I can’t just blow off work.”

Her: “I’ve got PBR.”

Him: “PBR? Fuckin’ A!”

11. Guy: I’m gonna fuck you in the ass.

Girl: But I poop from there.

Guy: Not today you don’t.

12. Once this girl was posing as a math teacher and it got to the point where she was interested in a student and shit, and anyways she starts unzipping his pants and he says, “What about the lesson?” And she replied with” “That’s gonna be useless to you anyways.”

13. I don’t remember exactly, but it was something to the effect of: “Can you make me a sandwich? I tried, but this is a left-handed knife and I am right-handed.”

14. A woman in an office was drinking a glass of milk, so the boss who had like a Slavic accent comes up and says, “So you like milk?” and after she responds he just takes the glass proceeds to put his dick inside it.

15. The chick was getting pounded from behind and kept screaming, “Oh God,” over and over.

And then the guy was like, “There is no God here,” and kept going.

I dunno why, but it made me laugh.

16. From a Nixon-themed porno:

Guy who looks vaguely like Nixon: “I am not a crook!”

Woman riding him: “No you’re not, ’cause I’m giving you my ass.”

17. There was a chick that tried to steal a dude’s sports car.

Dude busted the chick, she asked if there was anything she could do to make sure he didn’t turn her in.

He proposes getting some ass and he would even give her the car.

They fuck.

Then she asks for the keys and the dude digs in his bag and pulls out the ignition switch and wires (he stole the car).

18. “Watch how easily the knife chops through the carrots.”

“I dunno, is there something bigger and harder you can show me?”

“This titanium rod.”

19. “Are you serious? Right in front of my salad?”

20. Mother approaches daughters bedroom door.

Mother: What are you doing in there?

Sister is Fucking Brother.

Sister: Nothing Mom! Just Masturbating!

Mother: Oh, well good luck!

Mother leaves the door.

21. Girl: “Fuck me.”

Guy: “Gross, no.”

Guy behind the camera: “John, please.”

22. “Knock knock.”

“Whos there?”

“Sherwood.”

“Sherwood who?”

“Sherwood like you to come over here and suck our cocks.”

23. One time I was watching a porn where the dude is fucking his stepmom and she looks at him and says, “Don’t feel weird, feel good.”

I still use that line, even outside of sexual contexts.

24. Taps dick on girl’s forehead: “Knock, knock… daddy’s home!”

25. “I haven’t seen carpet in a bathroom in a long time, that’s awesome!”

26. “How about a Scooby Snack?'”

“Nooo.”

“How about 2 Scooby Snacks?”

“Nooooooo.”

“Well, what if I showed you my ass?”

“…Okaaay.”

Fred looks at them from the driver’s seat.

27. “A man once convinced me to touch his pet dragon. It turned out to be his penis.”

28. “Please don’t tell anyone I was fucking a fruit.”

29. My friend directed and starred in a porno where she plays an escaped mental patient. Another woman mistakes her for her gynecologist and lets her give her a pelvic exam. My friend put her ear to the other lady’s vagina and said, “I can hear the ocean!”

30. Someone from off-screen saying: “Stay in character.”