1. Having makeup sex instead of talking through your problems. There’s nothing wrong with celebrating the fact that your argument is over. However, you shouldn’t skip over the conversation, the apologies, and the compromises. You shouldn’t jump into bed in order to forget your problems, and then sweep them under the rug after the deed is done because it feels like everything is fine now. You need to talk about your issues or you’re never going to overcome them.
2. Snooping through their phone and drawers and computer files. If you don’t trust your person to be honest with you, you have to ask yourself why you’re so skeptical. If someone else hurt you in the past, then you should work on your trust issues in order to give your partner the respect they deserve. However, if it’s because they’ve been crossing boundaries and doing things that make you uncomfortable, then you should ask yourself whether you really want to be with them. If you honestly think they’ll cheat, then why would you want to date them?
3. Starting drama because you’re bored (or because you’re trying to test them). Healthy relationships might feel a bit boring when you’re used to constant fights. However, you have to remember that there’s a difference between passion and arguments. There’s a difference between excitement and toxicity. You should never be picking fights with your person to get a rise out of them. You should want them to be happy. You should want them to feel safe.
4. Buying their affection. When you make a mistake, your partner is going to appreciate a genuine apology and a change in behavior more than they appreciate expensive presents. You shouldn’t try to make them happy by doing the easy thing and using your credit card. You should put in the effort to make real change.
5. Complaining to everyone about how frustrated you are with your partner (instead of talking to your partner). It can be nice to vent to someone you trust, but you shouldn’t talk about your partner’s faults to your friends instead of sitting your actual partner down and having a mature discussion. If they don’t know you’re upset, they can’t fix their behavior. You have to be honest with them. You have to tell them how you’re feeling. No matter how well they know you, they can’t read your mind.
6. You make comparisons to exes or friends’ partners. Your relationship is yours alone. You shouldn’t be comparing it to the people around you or to your old loves. You can tell your partner you’re happy with how they’re acting (or unhappy with how they’re acting) without bringing other people into the conversation. You don’t want to make your partner feel like they’re competing with someone else in your life. It’s unfair to them.
7. Keeping score. You want your relationship to be 50-50 overall. However, it’s not going to be 50-50 every second of every day. If your partner spends a little less than you on anniversary gifts, or if they forget to take out the trash once or twice when it’s their turn, it doesn’t mean they aren’t pulling their weight. Don’t be extra hard on them when they’ve been treating you well overall.