1. My sister-in-law made an appointment for marriage counseling because her husband greeted their dog before her when coming home from work.
2. It’s always the dishes. I don’t see couples anymore because I cannot have one more conversation with adult human beings about the various philosophies of dish washing.
3. My uncle and his wife, reasoning: She lost a frying pan.
4. Couldn’t decide on which chicken to buy for their chicken farm.
5. A pimp and one of his sex workers scheduled a session to see me because they were having jealousy issues. They were legally married and he was unhappy with how she couldn’t “leave work at work.” Best. Couple. Ever.
6. My cousin went to counseling because her husband cuts the sandwich straight inside of diagonal. When I first heard it, I thought it was a joke.
7. Because naps. On weekends, I take a nap in the afternoon. Boyfriend was not ok with that and insisted I stop. I’ll never forget the surreal feeling of his roommates watching me leave his house while he yelled at me.
8. There was a couple who fought because the husband stopped liking cheese for some reason.
9. My aunt and uncle do weekly visits because my aunt doesn’t like that my uncle masturbates. They have been going for 3 years, and my uncle isn’t gonna budge. I don’t know why he keeps paying money to a counselor who clearly isnt ever going to convince him to stop.
10. They got into a domestic because he wouldn’t try her jam.
11. Not a counselor, but my friend is one, and a couple came to her (unofficially) because the wife wouldn’t tell her hubby when her mum was coming over because she knew he’d be “sick” or “out” that day.
12. He was “gone too much at work.” That is also the reason why she cheated on him. Eleven times. With his brother.
13. Couldn’t decide to buy a dog or cat.
14. Guy I knew from an inbred part of the country. Everyone had the same last name, went to a counselor to deal with the issue that his brother was screwing his girlfriend, she was their cousin. Counselor said, “Nope, too weird for me,” and sent him on his way.
15. Bananas… Someone bought the wrong amount of bananas.
16. Not a marriage counsellor, but my ex gave me so much abuse for having an affair with another woman in her dreams. Needless to say I helped her pack and paid for the taxi to take her away. Bat shit crazy, certainly dodged a bullet with that one.
17. I think my favorite was a woman who married a man whose dad and brothers worked in a successful family business. Husband didn’t work in the family business and didn’t want to. Wife married him anyway expecting him to be her meal ticket. Eleven years later he still hasn’t gone into the family business and she feels BETRAYED.
18. Didn’t know how to decide whether to have salt and pepper or just salt or pepper on eggs.
19. A buddy of mine was in therapy with his wife. She told me later that my friend (let’s call him Gary) has a drinking problem.
Me: “Wait. What? Since when is Gary drinking? I never saw him drink alcohol.”
Her: “That’s the problem.”
Oh Gary, I hope you are fine now.
20. They were arguing over who got the TV remote.
21. Well, my SO and I went to counseling because he wanted to change our oldest child’s first name. I didn’t want to and trying to have a reasonable conversation about it wasn’t happening. I think it’s a pretty stupid reason to get counseling BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK CHANGES THEIR THREE YEAR OLDS NAME.
22. Not a counselor but my ex-wife made an appointment because she felt like me hanging out with my family was wrong and I needed to stay home with her 24/7.
23. One time a couple decided to get divorced while sitting in my office because they disagreed on the better way to cook a hot dog. He was pro-boil. She was pro-grill. They could not find a suitable compromise and that was the husband’s final straw.
24. A couple went in because the wife wouldn’t make coffee in the mornings, the husband thought it was “grounds” for divorce…
25. My dad took my mom to one because she liked to ride in the car with the window down. They didn’t last long.
26. When my ex and I were having problems, she suggested marriage counseling. We went to a few sessions. I found out after the divorce she only went because she thought it would make her look better in the divorce. Indiana is a no fault state so all it did was cost me money.
27. Not me but my buddy’s wife demanded counseling after he refused to “fix” his habit of leaving the seat up. Apparently the straw that broke the camel’s back was he didn’t realize his poo ‘came back up’ and she fell into the toilet on his old, waterlogged shit.
28. My mum still talks about the Christmas where my dad didn’t help her peel and prepare a bag of sprouts. They were divorced and he’s dead and it still comes up from time to time.
29. Vaccinate their child. Dad says go, mom says no.
30. My ex made an appointment for us when he got his side girl pregnant. I was 26 and in grad school, lonely, stressed, and horribly gaslit, and went along. At the time the therapist would say, ‘If he hasn’t changed by now he’s not going to. Usually I’m trying to keep people together but I’m not sure I can now.’ I would get mad. Now I look back and think come on girl, run.