1. I’m a hoe?! You’re easier to get into than a community college.

2. Copernicus called, turns out you’re not the center of the universe.

3. I always hear ‘punch me in the face’ when you’re speaking, but it’s usually subtext.

4. Simply put, you have all the sexuality of all those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate.

5. If you were a spice, you’d be flour.

6. Don’t talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.

7. I don’t like you. I don’t hate you. I nothing you.

8. Sometimes I wish you were smarter so that you would know how dumb you really are.

9. Somewhere out there there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.

10. I’m not questioning your honor. I’m denying its existence.

11. Your secret is safe with my indifference.

12. You must have been born on the highway, because that’s where most accidents happen.

13. Men are rats, listen to me, they’re fleas on rats, worse than that, they’re amoebas on fleas on rats.

14. If you were a trophy at the end of a race, I’d walk backwards.

15. Sir, it seems that you’re are a no better a judge of human beings than you are a specimen of one.

16. You know what you are? A beard with an idiot hanging off it.

17. You couldn’t drain the contents of a boot if the directions were written on the heel.

18. Are you even in the vicinity of a point?

19. It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level.

20. I’m more woman than you’ll ever get, and more man than you’ll ever be.

21. Shut up. If I wanted you to speak, I’ll wave a Snausage over your nose.

22. I swear you were born out your mammas asshole because her pussy was too busy.

23. Anybody who told you to just be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

24. If people actually knew how smart I was, it would be harder to control them.

25. I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

26. Just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have.

27. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves that live in your hair.

28. You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.

29. The jerk store called and they’re running out of you!

30. I see the muscle shirt came today, muscles coming tomorrow?