1. Two Nuns are out cycling.
One says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
Second Nun says, “It must be the cobbles.”
2. How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair? He cuts holes in his pockets.
3. What did the deer say when she came out of the woods? I’ll never do that for two bucks again.
4. How does a woman hold her liquor? By the ears.
5. A girl asks for a Barbie and GI Joe doll set.
Mom: “But Barbie comes with Ken.”
Girl: “Nah, Barbie FAKES it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe.”
6. What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Gahk!!!
7. Why did the sperm cross the road? I wore the wrong sock today.
8. What two things in the air can get a girl pregnant? Her knees.
9. What does an elephant say to a naked man? How do you breathe with that thing?
10. Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because B shells would be too small.
11. A nurse walks into the doctor’s office where a very sick man has been waiting patiently. She approaches him with a clipboard with all of his information attached to it. As she greets him she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her shirt pocket then says, “Oh great, some asshole has my pen.”
12. A woman sat down and said, “Bartender, I’ll have a double entendre.” So he gave it to her.
13. What’s better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
14. Why is Santa’s sack so heavy? He only comes once a year.
15. What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I don’t pay $200 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
16. How do you find a blind guy at a nude beach? It’s not hard.
17. Reproductive health clinic with a sign that says: “For family planning and contraceptives, come through back door.”
18. A penguin takes the car to the mechanic. The mechanic says, “Give me an hour to diagnose the problem.” The penguin goes to dairy queen but gets the ice cream all over his face and body because he has to eat it without hands. So he goes back to check on his car. The mechanic says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin replies, “No it’s just a little ice cream.”
19. A cab driver is driving a lone woman to her destination. The cab gets a flat tire, so the cabbie gets out to fix it. The woman, trying to be helpful, asks, “Do you need a screwdriver?” The cabbie replies, “Thanks, but I need to fix this flat first.”
20. How do they separate the men from the boys in the Navy? With a crowbar.
21. What do you do when a whale comes in your window? Swim.
22. Judge: So let me get this straight Mickey, you want to divorce Minnie because she’s crazy?
Mickey Mouse: No, your honor, I said she was fucking goofy.
23. What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full…
24. Girl: My lips are very dry. Boy: Doesn’t it hurt when you walk then?
25. Did you hear that they found a hole in the wall of a nudist colony? Police are looking into it.
26. How can you tell the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? By the taste.
27. You know how to tell male deer from female deer? The males are hornier.
28. How do you make a hormone? Don’t pay her.
29. I came into some money recently. Next time I’ll use a towel.
30. “Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?”
“Because your mum loves Easter and it’s an anagram of Easter.”
“No problem Alan.”
31. What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down.
32. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
33. Two deer come out of a bar. “Can’t believe I blew 20 bucks in there,” says one to the other.