1. “Am I in hell?”

I responded, “No you’re not, you’re just in recovery.”

“…That sounds like something the devil would say. Count backwards from 100 to prove it.”

2. Patient was heavily sedated in ICU, nurse gave an enema. Half conscious response: “Honey you know I don’t like it that way.”

3. One patient stroked my unshaved arm while I was trying to keep him from pulling at his IV, and muttered, “You’d make such a great carpet.”

4. During my wisdom teeth surgery they were playing music, and Billy Jean comes on. I said, “Glad Michael Jackson could join us” and that was the last thing I remember.

5. This is actually something I supposedly said when I came out of my wisdom teeth surgery and woke up:

“My bones feel wet, can I have a napkin?”

I still wonder what I was thinking.

6. Happened today. Patient has a broken ankle fixed and was coming out of anesthesia when he was being wheeled out. The anesthesiologist accidentally hit the door frame on the way out.

Patient: Did you just do surgery on my leg?

Anesthesiologist: Yes you had surgery and are waking up from it.

Patient: Then why are you running into things?

7. Colonoscopy. Very prim and proper lady under sedation.

As the scope was introduced, she exclaimed, “Oooh! Darling you said you wouldn’t do that anymore.”

8. My dad works with that stuff, funniest thing he’s heard is: “Hey mister doctor? My ass itches and I’m too high to scratch.”

9. Had a patient wake up violently. When he came to he said, “Sorry, I thought I was a shark.”

10. Nurse anesthetist here. When I was in school I was getting ready to get a lady off to sleep and was going through my regular spiel. I had the mask on her face and I said, “nice big breaths,” as I pushed propofol. Right before she went out she said, “Thanks, I just had them done.” I looked at my preceptor, we looked at the circulator, and we all burst out laughing. I now say, “slow deep breaths,” instead. I love telling that story, that lady made all our days.

11. I knew a guy who had surgery and afterwards wanted to go home. Just… He wasn’t recovered enough to and the nurse wasn’t gonna let him get up yet.

He turned to the nurse and said: “You may not realize this, but I’m a ninja and we heal three times faster than normal people.”

At that the nurse stopped trying to keep him in bed, he stood and immediately ate the floor.

12. My wife is an anesthesiologist and her best line from a patient is: “This is better than meth.”

13. When I went in for my gallbladder surgery the nurse was an old coworker and I blurted out on the table: “I knew you’d see me naked” before I was out.

14. I broke my hand tumbling once and had to get surgery. He goes to put the mask on my face and says, “This is oxygen.” I cough as the mask goes on. He pulls the mask away and I said, “I trusted you. You lying fuck.” That’s the last thing I remember.

15. When I was about to go out for surgery they were strapping me down, and told me it was so that I don’t fall off the table. My last words were, it’s ok, 5 second rule.

16. My husband kept telling the medical staff after his procedure that: “It’s okay, my wife’s a doctor. She knows what you’re talking about.” I’m a lawyer.

17. When my husband was in the recovery room coming out of anesthesia, he looked me in the eyes and very seriously said, “Drugs are a hell of a drug.” I was trying not to laugh too hard but it was hilarious. I still quote that at him sometimes!

18. When I was giving birth I was pretty out of it. The radio was playing in the operating room, and Uncle Kracker came on. I apparently yelled, “I am not bringing my child into the world to this shit!” They turned the radio off.

19. Me coming to after getting wisdom teeth out:

“So how long until the anesthetic kicks in?”

“Oh, your surgery is already done.”

“Already? Man that was fast.”

“It’s been two hours.”

“WOAH, DID I JUST TIME-TRAVEL?!”

20. Before my emergency appendectomy and right as they wheeled me away, I grabbed my husband and said (very loudly): “Don’t forget to tell them our backup plan. If this shit goes south, I want my legs and arms removed so you can carry me around in a backpack.” The student doctor accidentally wheeled me into the wall cause he was laughing so hard.

21. The anesthesiologist that came in to check me over had bright blue teeth and lips. Keep in mind I was high as fuck. I asked him how Smurfette was last night. I passed out hearing the nurses laughing.

22. Right after giving midazolam I had a patient say, “WOW, this feels like the 70’s!”

23. I was about to be put under for a colonoscopy while the nurse was trying to position me in a way to make it easiest for them to work. I had my knees to my chest and was passing out from the gas when I asked the nurse to paint me like one of her French girls, then passed out. Still makes me cringe.

24. I’m an anesthesiologist. I was recently taking care of a 17 year old kid and he looks at me and says, “Dude, I am high as fuck.” They almost never remember it afterward.

25. When I woke up from surgery, the doctors asked if I wanted anything to eat.

“You got those crackers that come in packs of six with the cheese?”

“No, we don’t have those.”

“Aw fuck man, that’s bullshit.”

“We have the peanut butter ones, though.”

“AH, YEAH, BITCHIN’!”

26. When I was 9 and having jaw surgery, the surgeon was putting me under and said, “Say bye to your mommy!” And apparently 9-year-old me thought that meant they were going to kill me. My mother says I gave her a look of absolute terror and then passed out.

27. When I was coming up from shoulder surgery on a pretty substantial dose of fentanyl, my wife told me that I looked at the head nurse and said, “Your boobs are spectacular, I want to see them.” I have no memory of it, but apparently the wife was mortified, and the nurse thought it was hysterical. She also said it wasn’t particular unusual to get comments of that sort.

28. When I was going under for a surgery, my anesthesiologist asked what I wanted to eat after this surgery and apparently I said “A steak… with peanut butter.”

He laughed and said, “Where do you get THOSE steaks?!”

29. When my stepdad was going under for a surgery, he was almost out but at a sweet point that the doctor told my mom she could ask him anything and he wouldn’t be able to help but answer truthfully. She asked, “Do you love me?” My stepdad replied, “You need to go on and get your little Yoda shoes.” I’m pretty sure Yoda doesn’t even wear shoes…

30. My brother went under and on his way out he said, “Holy fuck, you are beautiful and I’m in love” to the nurse anesthetist.

31. My uncle said someone started singing phantom of the opera. Then immediately started rapping mumbled lines.

32. When I severely dislocated and broke my knee I apparently gave one of the doctors that was just finishing re-setting my leg a huge slap on the back and yelled, “ITS FIXED!!! YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST DOCTORS I’VE EVER SEEN. GIVING A 5 STAR REVIEW.”

Wife said the nurses were cracking up. I’m a pretty big guy and the doctor I gave the “friendly” pat on the back was a relatively small dude.

33. My wife couldn’t take me for my first colonoscopy due to work so my mother did, and apparently coming out of anesthesia, when they were removing my IV, I told the nurse, “Oh, that’s neat. I’ve taken a lot of those out, but I’ve never had it done to me, and my patients are always dead.”

Apparently she looked very concerned by this information and my mother had to explain that I’ve been a licensed funeral director for many years and hospitals and other facilities often do not remove tubing.

Apparently I then followed that up by telling the (young) nurse she had a nice butt, but not as nice as my wife’s. My mother felt free to share that with EVERYONE.

So yeah. I creeped out a nurse by talking about my occupation, and then even more by commenting on her butt in a backhanded compliment.

34. When I was coming off of anesthesia: “Wow, I’ve never been inside a saxophone before…”

What I meant was a hospital room. The saxophone part came from the jazz wait music (featuring a saxophone) that you often get when you call any Kaiser line. Somehow my brain smooshed those two together. My boyfriend still teases me about it.

35. I went under for a nasal canal surgery and apparently after the surgery I was holding the nurses hand and repeating, “I love you, don’t leave me” over and over.

36. My wife is an anesthesiologist. When she was in fellowship she had a patient say they saw dicks dripping off the ceiling.

37. My adult sister had a pretty checkered past involving drugs. Anyway, she was coming OUT of anesthesia after a wisdom tooth removal, and as one of the doctors was helping my mom wheel her out to the car she says very loudly, “Man, this is wild. I mean, and I’ve taken some PRETTY CRAZY STUFF!” My mom was like – smdh.

38. I was coming out of general anesthesia after a surgery to repair a broken leg. I woke up in my room with about a dozen very caring, kind friends and relatives who had all come to see that I was ok. I looked around, saw everyone giving shits about me, said, “Fuck this” (loudly and very clearly), and went right back to sleep. My friends thought it was hilarious. My mom was mortified.

39. After getting my wisdom teeth removed I looked at my mother-in-law and said, “How did you get on my rocket ship?”

40. I had a patient coming out of anesthesia who opened his eyes as I was switching him from a mask to nasal cannula tell me: “This hospital has the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen.”

Made me blush I was so flattered, and made the rest of my day awkward with my coworkers teasing me about it.

Whoever you are sleepy man, I simultaneously thank you and hate you.

41. In high school I had a reconstructive surgery on my knee as I tore my ACL and meniscus in a sports injury. After the surgery I woke up in post op, which was a fairly large room with probably 6 to 7 other patients in beds waiting to become conscious again. I was lying there all groggy and confused when two nurses walked over pushing one of those carts with a computer on it. They stood over me and were typing into the computer when one nurse said to the other in a sort of frantic whisper, “We’ve got to plug this thing in or this one is going to die!” Naturally, semi conscious me thought that the “thing” was me and I started to incoherently yell for the nurses to unplug whatever they needed to in order to find an outlet to keep me alive.

Turns out it was the battery on the laptop that was going to die. Apparently the death rate for an ACL repair is pretty low.

42. I had to take my mom to the hospital and while I was speaking to the doctor about her medical history, my mom was ~real~ insistent about them knowing her tennis elbow.

Doctor: So is she on any medication?

Mom: TENNIS ELBOW!

Me: No, she’s-

Mom: TENNIS ELBOW!

Me: She has tennis elbow.

Doctor: I can tell.

Mom: TENNIS ELBOW

43. Last year they were knocking me out for a colonoscopy. It was the third time I had been put under in a year.

As such I had a curiosity: I had heard that when they knock you out you are still awake for awhile, you just don’t remember.

So in the spirit of science I proposed a test with the anesthesiologist: when she started the medicine I would begin counting backward. When I would wake up we would compare what I remembered to what she observed.

Plunger down – 99, 98, 97 – I remembered nothing more.

Minutes later I awoke. The anesthesiologist espied me and came over quickly.

“What did you remember?” she asked.

“97.”

She began laughing.

“You got down to 7!”

44. I had surgery last week for the first time. Apparently, right after they gave me the drugs I started talking about how cute my boyfriend’s butt is. I was telling this to 3 male doctors.

45. After one of my dads (many) hand surgeries, he was being a little too frisky with one of the nurses, so she came in the room to check on him and loudly pronounced that the sex change operation was a resounding success.

Without missing a beat, while looking terrified, pops reached down and counted “1….2…3….yep all still there.”

I’ve never seen a medical professional lose it like that before or since.

46. I had to go under for ear surgery once. I thought it’d be funny if I asked, “Does anyone need anything while I’m out?” right before I went under.

47. I had a patient a couple of weeks ago quote Bran Stark and say, “I am going to go now.” He timed it perfectly because his eyes rolled back as soon as he said it. Me and the other nurses laughed for about 5 minutes straight.

48. Some 14 year old kid whispered, “I fucked your mom.”

49. Woke up after wisdom teeth surgery alone in a small recovery room. I called out for my mom and dad and when they didn’t immediately come to my side, I called out for Captain Kirk.

50. “I don’t want you to be too surprised by my tattoo.” — conservative looking Asian man with a Pinocchio tattoo around his penis, with his penis as the nose.

51. I’m told that when waking up from getting my wisdom teeth out, I rattled off a very long list of the girls in my high school I wanted to bang, one of which was the dentist’s daughter.

52. My dad’s an anesthesiologist. He was treating a woman, and he said, “I’m putting you to sleep now.” She replied with the most horrified look on her face, “Like a dog?!”

53. I was coming out after my wisdom teeth surgery last year (aged 21) and the surgeon popped his head in and said, “Hello little one you’re awake” and I said, “I’m not little I’m 5’11 but thank you.” Apparently it was funny.

54. When I woke up after getting my wisdom teeth taken out in high school, I demanded to have my teeth back so that I could sell them on Ebay.

55. My first surgery they were putting me to sleep and I heard a James Taylor song playing and I said, “I hope this isn’t the last thing I ever hear.”

56. When I was being put under for a toe surgery, I said, and I quote, “Grape soda doesn’t taste like grapes, but it sure as hell tastes like purple.”

From what I was told, the doctor had to excuse himself because he started laughing really hard.

57. My old man had a vasectomy after my younger brother was born and when he woke up after the surgery he couldn’t find his dick… because it had been taped to his leg.

Immediately starts freaking out, as one does when their penis is M.I.A

“NURSE! NURSE! WHERE’S MY DICK?!”

58. I was recently being put under for a colonoscopy. They were adjusting my legs and such so my ass would be in prime camera insertion positioning.

Just as they had me move my knees a bit higher up I said, “Yup, just like prom night”

Got the anesthesiologist to laugh before I went under.

59. I was the patient. I was getting my gallbladder removed and as they were wheeling me back, I started to cry and said, “I’m gonna wake up with my lips stitched to someone’s asshole.”

60. I’ve had patients say, “here we go!!!” and “weee!!!” as I give them anesthesia.