1. “Stupid people can believe in anything, so you can believe in yourself!”
2. “I think we’ve all got something to bring to this discussion, and from now on I think the thing you should bring is silence.”
3. I was once told I was more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
4. Somewhere in France, a cathedral is missing a gargoyle.
5. If Mr. Rogers was your neighbor, he’d move.
6. You’re like a lighthouse in the middle of a desert; Bright, but not a lot of use.
7. “Your life is more about regret management than goal achievement, isn’t it?”
8. A young girl asked me if I had Chicken Pox due to my acne.
9. The best I’ve ever heard is, “Everyone that has ever loved you was wrong.”
10. “You’re less a person and more a loose collection of personality flaws.”
11. “You’re not pretty enough to get away with being that stupid.”
12. “The world is a better place when you’re asleep.”
13. “Apologize to that tree over there for wasting the oxygen that it worked so hard to make.”
14. I died when I heard a kid say, “You look like you came from a donation pile.”
15. “This is why everyone talks about you behind your back.”
16. “You will have a sparsely attended funeral.”
17. A friend once said I was not being the person Mister Rogers knew I could be.
18. You’re no trial and all error.
19. “Do you have life insurance?”
“Congratulations, you are objectively worth more dead than alive.”
20. “I hope every single light is red on your way home today. No, all week!”
21. “What color was the crayon you used on your application?”
22. “You’re the patient 0 of dumbness aren’t you?”
23. “I hope you get run over by a parked car.”
24. A nun once told me “Jesus would absolutely despise you.” I was in kindergarten and didn’t know what despise meant.
25. “See, this right here. This is why you’re destined to be a bitter old man, cold and alone as you slowly waste away. No one will notice when you die, and the only thing you will leave behind is a history of petty, pointless hate. The world will be a little bit better when you’re gone.”
26. “Are you going out looking like that?” After having worked hard on my hair/makeup/outfit.
27. Someone was trying to insult me, I responded with “I don’t respect you enough to be insulted by you.”
28. My dad called someone a “model human being”, and then muttered “yeah, a non-working facsimile of the real thing” under his breath.
29. I was having a conversation with my wife on one occasion, and I asked her a question.
She responded with “I don’t know, I wasn’t listening. You stopped saying things of value two sentences ago.”
30. A toddler once told my sister, “I like your mustache” while gently poking her upper lip.
31. “Bob Ross would call you a mistake.”
32. ‘You’re not even your Mom’s favorite child.’ He was an only child. LOL.
33. “Retake the picture so I can be in it. It’ll look a lot better” – my younger sister when I was taking a selfie.
34. “The only culture you have is bacteria.”
35. “You sneeze like a squirrel.” It wasn’t the words so much as it was the sheer look of disdain and the disgust in that 9 year old’s voice.
36. “Daddy, you are boring, and you have stinky feet.”
I swear I want that on my tombstone.
37. My card was declined buying a coffee and a 14 year old girl next to me offered to pay for it because: “She could tell I really needed a win.”
38. May you be living proof that man can endure anything.
39. I was called a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake… harsh.
40. “The worst thing about your guitar playing is that you don’t know how bad you are at it.”
41. I was pestering my then girlfriend/now wife and she turned to me and said “You need to go home and think about everything you are. Then change it.”
My jaw dropped and she immediately started apologizing. She had meant it to be kinda snotty, but realized how harsh it had come out and felt bad. I actually thought it was kinda funny, but I still tease her about it some times.
42. It’s impossible to underestimate you.
43. I work in an an office with kind of separate pods, but it’s not uncommon for someone from another pod to talk to someone in mine. Best one I’ve heard so far, called out in a dead silent office:
“I’m going to invite your mum out for dinner and then not turn up.”
44. Got into the office, go to sit down, and before I can even get in the chair a guy walks into the office and goes “Did you go to college? Because it must haven taken years of training for anyone to be this useless. You clearly got the Master’s Degree.”
I’d never met or seen this man before in my life. He apparently thought I was somebody else in the IT office, and just decided to lay into me.
45. “I wish you were a speed bump for my tricycle.” From my sister when we were 4 or 5.
46. Someone called me a crunchy lizard once, in reference to my hair gel.
I asked why that was a bad thing.
She said, “A crunchy lizard is not a happy lizard.”
47. Not me, but my wife.
My wife’s father died about twelve years ago from cancer. We’ve been open with the kids about it, since they never got to know their grandpa (he passed before my wife and I married.)
A couple of weeks ago, I accepted a job out of state and I’m currently geographically separated from my family. I’m going to move them here once the school year ends.
Well, the day I left, my wife was feeling pretty blue and was listening to a sad song while she did the laundry. My little girl walked into the room and asked to use the computer.
“After this song is over,” my wife replied.
“It’s a sad song,” my little girl observed.
“I feel a little sad today.”
“Why are you sad, Mommy? Is it because your dad is dead and your husband left?”
It’s since become a running family joke.
48. That quote from full metal jacket always gets me good.
“Your parents have any kids that lived?”
“I bet they regret that.”
49. My 7yo sister had kissed a boy in school and I was joking about it, like ‘oooh, you kissed him on the lips’. She then proceeded to write me a note next to her drawing of me: “I kissed a boy but you are 26 and still don’t have a boyfriend. That’s a funnier joke.” It really hurt.
50. Me : “What are you doing on Friday?”
Girl: “I’m washing my hair.”
(Oblivious) Me: “So what about Saturday?”
Girl: “I’ll think of something.”