1. Whenever my dad and my husband are having a conversation, and I walk into the room, my dad will loudly say, “Just make sure she never finds out…” Then he will look at me and say, “OH HI HONEY!”
2. When offered anything edible (coffee, chocolate, fruit, dessert, etc) that he doesn’t want, he’ll say, “No thanks, I still have to drive.”
3. Anytime someone says, “See you later,” he says, “Thanks for the warning.”
4. Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said, “Are you going to put it up yourself?” My dad said, “Don’t be disgusting. I’m going to put it in the living room.”
5. Whenever he drops or fumbles something he says, “I should work for Allstate.”
You know, the good hands people. I’ve been charitably laughing at it for years.
6. My Dad’s Chinese and anytime he shows someone how to do something easier, he says, “Ancient Chinese secret.”
7. Me: “What’s the movie about?”
Dad: “About two and a half hours. HAAA!”
8. Someone says they’re going to go take a shower.
My dad’s response: “Be sure to put it back when you’re done!”
As far as I know, he’s used this for 30+ years and probably won’t stop until he’s worm food.
9. Every time I wear ripped jeans he says to my mom, “Our poor daughter can’t even afford pants!”
10. “$5” every time we ask for something.
“Can I have the tv?” “$5”
“What’s for dinner?” “$5”
11. Anyone: “I have a question.”
My dad, always: “Does it involve a woodchuck?”
12. “Hope it works, we just found it in the parking lot.”
When paying with a credit card at just about everywhere.
13. “Dad, where is [literally anything that is missing]?”
“It was delicious.”
14. Every time I ask him where one of my brothers is he responds “oh shit! I forgot him” and won’t tell me where they actually are. Every. Single. Time.
15. “Dad, can you make me breakfast?”
“Abracadabra, you’re breakfast!”
We’re all grown and out of the house with kids of our own, I think my father’s favorite thing about being a grandfather is being able to reuse these jokes.
16. “Pinch Me and Poke Me went down to the lake. If Pinch Me drowned, who was safe?”
Kid says, “Poke Me.”
Dad moves in for the tummy poke.
17. “Do you have holes in your socks?” No. “Then how to you put them on?”
I knew it was a lost cause when my then-6-yr-old son asked our cashier this at the grocery store.
18. Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
19. “You’re my favorite son.” I’m his only son.
20. Every time I wear a pony tail…
Dad: Do you know what’s under a pony’s tail?
21. Me: Dad, I just stubbed my toe on the coffee table.
Dad: Don’t do that. It hurts.
22. Whenever I ask him who somebody is, literally every time for my 32 years on this Earth:
Me: “Who’s Jeff Smith?”
Dad: “Oh, he’s one of Mrs. Smith’s little boys”.
Every god damn time for 30+ years with no signs of stopping.
23. Whenever I told my dad I was hungry, he never failed to respond with “Hi hungry!” He loved saying that.
24. When he meets my friends or sees them again: “Thanks for putting up with him!”
25. Anytime someone says something like “let’s talk about something more positive.”
26. “Hey Dad, what’s for dinner?”
27. Dad: What does that sign say?
Me: <tells him what sign says>
Dad: IT DOESN’T SAY A THING YOU HAFTA READ IT!
28. “Hey dad.”
29. Whenever I start dating a new girl, this is the conversation:
Dad: “Is she pretty?”
Dad: “I bet her mom is pretty too.”
Me: “Um, sure.”
Dad: “Great, then you can date the mom and I’ll date the daughter!”
30. It’s not really a joke, but he ends almost every encounter with, “See you when the Cubs win the pennant.”
They did it, Dad. They won the fucking pennant. Just move on.
31. Me: “You know that one president that oversaw the construction of the Panama Canal?”
Dad: “Teddy Roosevelt?”
Dad: “Never heard of him.”
32. Does your face hurt? ‘Cause it’s killin me!
33. Every time I belched, he’d say “Bring it up again and we’ll vote on it.”
34. Every time at the cash register.
Cashier: “How are you doing?”
Dad: “Not as rich as I wanna be, healthier than I should be.”
35. If anyone says “I’m hungry”, he goes “hi, I’m Cliff, drop over some time!”. My mom confirms he’s done this since before he was a dad.
Also, every time he calls me ever since I’ve had my own phone/cellphone, he always breathes heavily and goes “I am your father” when I pick up.
36. Oh, GOD. Whenever we were on a road trip, whenever we asked how long it was until we reached our destination, the answer was “Three quarters of an hour”.
I hated it.
37. Every time we get Chinese food, my dad opens the fortune cookie and reads “Help! I am a prisoner in a Chinese bakery!”
38. So many, and most of them he inherited from my grandfather. A few that come right to mind…
When opening a present after removing the wrapping paper: “A box! Just what I always wanted!”
Whenever halibut is listed on the menu: “I may order this just for the halibut!”
Whenever someone blows their nose: “You think it’s a cold, but it’s snot.”
39. Any time a server asks if he wants a to-go box for leftovers.
“Do you wanna box for the burger?”
“No, but I’ll wrestle you for the fries”
40. If anyone ever offers my dad a beer anywhere, he would say something along the lines of “thanks that’s my favorite kind of beer.” The host or whoever would say, oh “Budweiser/IPA/lager or whatever is your favorite?” He’d respond “No, my favorite is free beer.”
41. It’s actually a shirt with a joke on it. My dad has a shirt that says, “I’m not a gynecologist, but I can take a look.”
My mom has thrown the shirt out multiple times. I have no idea where he gets them. He doesn’t know how to use the internet.
My dad is a senior citizen. Help.
42. “I am more pissed off than a piano player in a marching band.” Literally makes him laugh every time.
43. One time he ordered pizza with a side of cheese bread that came with Marinara sauce. He was like “I’m eating pizza with a side of pizza.” We all laughed but it was 4 years ago and he brings it up every god damn time.
44. Dad here. I won’t let go of the New Year’s jokes.
“Happy New Year! Wow, I’m so tired. I haven’t slept all year!”
The next morning
“Everyone’s probably very hungry. We haven’t eaten all year.”
“Time for a shower, kids! You haven’t bathed all year!”
Repeat until my wife and kids yell for me to stop. Then repeat two more times.
45. “Are you cold? Go in the corner, it’s 90°!”
46. Server: “Can I get you guys anything else?”
My Dad: “You got anything for free?” Arms folded across his stomach, deep barrel chest laugh
47. When at a restaurant:
Server: How is/was everything?
Dad, motioning at clear plate: Terrible. You should take it back and have them make another.
Everyone does a rolling eye laugh. Server brings the check.
Dad: Is this negotiable?
Every damn time.
48. Background knowledge: I have a peanut allergy
Every time I am eating a cookie or really anything (without peanuts) my dad will say “How’s that peanut butter cookie taste?”
49. “Is that felt?”
“Now it is!”
50. Whenever we talk about hearing problems he goes like “Huh.” in an overly exaggerated voice.
51. Returning home from picking up a pizza, opens box, notices piece missing and exclaims: “They ripped us off! It’s missing a piece!” No, dad, we know you ate it in the car on the way home.
52. “Trust me, I’m a doctor”
He is not a doctor.
53. Me: “I am hungry.”
Dad: “me too. We have so much in common it’s like we’re related.”
54. Waiter: “If you need anything, my name is Joe.”
Dad: “Ok. What’s your name if we don’t need anything?”
55. “Keep the paper so we can use it next year.” Every year at Christmas.
56. “Was the water wet?”
Every time I return from the shower, a pool, etc.
57. Someone: This taste good, how do you make it?
Dad: With my hands.
58. Every time I used to pick up food that was too hot as a kid, and drop the hot food back on my plate. My dad would go “heavy?” I always laughed.
59. In the car:
“Dad, where are we going?”
“We’re going crazy”
Every damn time.
60. Whenever we drove past a farm he would say “Look at that fat cow.”
61. Me: sitting sloppily like on couch
Mom: sit right!!
Dad: can she sit left?
62. Literally song comes on and my sister and I start singing along.
Dad – Who sings this song?
Us – Insert artist name here.
Dad – THEN LET ‘EM SING IT!
63. Whenever it’s time to leave “We’ll, I’m off. Then again I’ve always been a little off.”
64. Every Cemetery we passed… “Oh man, people are just dying to get in there.”
65. We get ready to go somewhere but don’t know where. “Dad where are we going?”
Dad: “To hell if we don’t change our ways!”
66. Cashier swipes final shopping items.
“The manager said that item was free.”
Any time I’m with him when he says that I feel the need to apologise to the cashier, since they have probably heard it countless times.
67. *Hands the cashier a $100 bill so they have to check it*
Dad: It’s legit. I just made it this morning.
68. My grandfather loved this one until the day he died:
“I don’t have a sweet tooth. I have a whole mouth full!”
69. “You got any naked pictures of your girlfriend?”
“You want some?”
70. Waiter/waitress: What can I get you?
Dad: The numbers to the lottery.
All grown up and he still tells the same joke. Every. Single. Time.