The 50 Dumbest True Crime Stories That Will Have You Rolling Your Eyes
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The 50 Dumbest True Crime Stories That Will Have You Rolling Your Eyes

These stupid criminal stories from Ask Reddit will make you feel so much smarter.

1. Can’t go into too much detail, but kid (14) shot another kid (15) in the leg after a fight in their apartment complex. The victim is able to describe the gun the shooter used in detail. We get the shooter’s name from another kid who knows him from school. My partner looks up his Instagram and would you believe it, there he is posing with the gun described to us exactly.

Social media is a treasure trove of wannabe gangsters incriminating themselves.

2. I went to a domestic violence call where the woman claimed her husband hit her. When I asked her how it happened, she told me he couldn’t provide the kind of life she wanted him to give her. She stated since he had a heart attack and got lupus he wasn’t working so she decided she should start inviting some friends over to have sex with her for money. Mind you, she’s telling me, a fully uniformed Officer all of this.

She says he should act as the person who handles the money for her i.e. her pimp. She then calls someone to come over, and tells her husband that after she gets paid for the sex he should hold the guy at knife point and take the rest of his money. She said he refused to help her with this so they got into an argument. He pushed past her to get out of the apartment. She claimed that was the assault she called me for.

I asked her if she understood she just admitted to planning a felony crime. She looked shocked that planning a prostitution and robbery was wrong at all, and did not get why I wasn’t arresting her husband for trying to remove himself from her stupid plan to get them both arrested.

3. My mom’s cousin was a bank robber. The time he got caught he went into a bank, scoped the place out, left to go back to his bike (this motherfucker robbed banks on a fucking bike), he put the mask on, robbed the bank. Police see the tape, see that bank robber was wearing same exact clothes as guy who left less than a minute before. Aaanndddd that was that.

4. We had an inmate that would constantly call Crime Stoppers on his contraband cell phone and try to get them to give him the reward if he confessed to his crimes. He did this several times a month.

5. Everyday I see a big black SUV with Sheriff written on the side parked in the driveway across the street, I don’t know if the guy is the sheriff or works for the sheriff but one night I wake up to a dozen sirens outside. Turns out some idiot tried breaking into sheriff dudes house while he was home and his vehicle was right freaking there.

6. About 10 years ago I got held up and robbed by a group of 3 guys with knives. All they wanted was the money in my wallet, so me being the smart guy not wanting to mess with knives just obliged. At the end of the ordeal he put the knife to my throat and said “If you ever tell the cops my name is <redacted> I will slice your throat right now”.

So I went home, called the cops, told em where it happened and gave them the name they guy told me. The name instantly rung a bell with them since the guy had come into contact with the police in the past. Cops went to the spot where I was robbed and they were laying in ambush for a new guy to appear. They could instantly identify the guy he was arrested and thats about it.

Happened in the Netherlands, don’t know his sentence or anything.

7. Old roommate was/is a cop. He came home to tell me an ATM was robbed (after hours) for $15,240.

The next day the man who robbed the ATM deposited $15,240 into his personal account at the bank he robbed the night prior.

8. Took a vehicle burglary report where the victim found a drivers license sitting on her driver seat that the suspect must have left behind. Seems damning, but if he had any criminal smarts he would just say his license was stolen and the thief must have dropped it while breaking into this new victim’s vehicle. Without any other evidence, the case would have gone nowhere.

The next day I take a report at a church that was a couple of blocks away from the vehicle burglary. This guy stole the video cameras from the building. He must have thought the footage came with the camera, because when we checked the video, there was a High Def close-up of the suspects face as he removed the camera. Good evidence, sure, but I still didn’t know who the guy was… until I looked at the license I collected the day prior and saw it was the same exact guy.

9. My ex stole a car and went to pick up his friend at the police station in the stolen car. He parked right in front of a cop. The cop ran the plates and escorted him into the building. Next day, he was on the news as the most stupid criminal in town.

10. From the local newspaper….

Two young men in a pick up truck on a back road stopped a courting Amish couple in a buggy, and told the couple to give them all of their money.

Spoiler – the Amish don’t generally have money.

They do have good memories, though, and told the cops the license plate number.

The inept criminals were locals, too, and should have known better than to try and rob the Amish.

11. Worked at a 7-Eleven in a rough part of Chicago. Had two guys come in and ask for 2 bottles of Grey Goose. I asked for their ID’s, they handed them over, and I grabbed the two bottles from behind the counter to ring them up. They proceeded to grab the bottles and book it out of there, leaving their ID’s on the counter. I called the police, they came in asking for a description of the thieves and I handed them the ID’s. Cops were in disbelief at the stupidity, left and went to the address on one of the ID’s that was about 2 blocks away. About 15 minutes later they walked in with the two guys and bottles of Grey Goose (poor guys didn’t even have a chance to open them). I confirmed it was them, didn’t press charges, took the bottles of Grey Goose back and went on with my overnight shift.

12. My dad is a cop, and I remember that he called me one night and said that he wanted to tell me how glad he was that I’m not as stupid as the guy he arrested that night. An idiot high schooler was caught stealing alcohol after his fake ID was rejected. His fake ID said he was born in 2001, three years younger than he actually was. Poor guy couldn’t work out why his ID didn’t work. My dad recommended that he pay better attention in math class.

13. We had a guy break into my high school with his buddy and smash a bunch of soda machines. We had cameras all over the school but these guys were smart.

They said, “nah we’re gonna cover up our faces so they don’t know who did it,” and then wore letterman jackets with their names on the back.

14. A friend of mine got his phone stolen one time, so he called to his own phone number and the burglar answered the phone. He then told the burglar that he was willing to pay to get he phone back and the robber agreed. So they decided to meet at some random place to do the exchange and obviously my friend brought the police with him, so they caught the robber with the phone and a Pikachu face.

15. Guy committed a commercial break and enter. He used a hacksaw to cut a hole in the roof. He actually had to cut 2 holes as the first hole went into a stairwell, but the second accessed the office space. I guess he got hot up there doing all that cutting because he took his coat off. Once he got inside dropping to the floor he couldn’t get back up. Ran out the back door setting off alarms. I found his identification in his coat pocket. He was well known to us. Pretty dumb but most that get caught are.

16. I knew this kid in high school who got pulled over for a minor traffic violation. He decides it would be funny to jump out of the car and book it down the street. The cops of course go chasing after him and after a couple of blocks he stops, puts his hands in the air, and yells, “Psych!” The cops didn’t find it funny so they tackled him to ground and put him under arrest. His parents were wealthy so he didn’t get in that much trouble, but it was still so incredibly stupid.

17. I enforce municipal by law. I was once writing a ticket for a blatant fire route violation. Blocking emergency access to a large building, within 10m of a fire safety system. Anyway the guy said, “Hey are you a cop?” I said, “No, I’m writing a ticket for this fire route violation.” So the guy said, “Oh ok good I have a warrant out for my arrest and I thought it was about that.” So I said, “Nope just giving you a fire route ticket.” Then I phoned the police

18. I arrested a guy in a stolen car going to his court date for stealing a car.

19. My friend is studying law and one of her cases was a guy who shoplifted like £500 worth of clothes from North Face. He came in to his trial wearing entirely North Face.

Fucking power move.

20. A man in NC was charged with robbing a woman at gunpoint. He was arrested and brought downtown for “purposes of identification.” Apparently he misunderstood this phrasing. As soon as the woman stepped out he said, “Yep, that’s her. That’s the woman I robbed.”

21. My Criminal Justice teacher told me the best one I’ve heard so far. Back when he was a cop he took a burglary call, goes to the call and guy tells him this person stole a little over a pound of weed from him. Tells him who it is, where he lives and asks him to go arrest him. So he goes and arrests him then call the “victim” and says, “I think I have your weed but I need you to come down to the station and identify it,” so naturally dude is thrilled drives down sees his weed thanks my teacher and confirms yes 100% that is mine, so my teacher arrests him.

22. The initial call came in as “someone is in my back yard stealing my weed”. Sure enough the reporting person (RP) had 6 or 7 massive cannabis plants in his back yard. Each about 6 to 8 feet high. Caught the guy trying to steal one had chopped down one of the plants with an axe and was litterly carrying around the huge plant. He was caught about 2 streets over and you could just follow the cannabis leaves.

Funny thing was the RP got charged with a more serious offence then the thief for cultivation of cannabis, and the thief only got done for unlawfully on premises because you can’t get done for stealing something that is illegal.

23. Not a cop but my Uncle got done for armed robbery.

Cops- we know it was you we found your fingerprints on the shotgun.

Uncle – impossible, I was wearing gloves.

He got 8 years.

24. I saw a guy steal police car even tho there was a police man inside.

25. This guy spent about 10 minutes melting a hole into my mom’s Jeep soft top, with a lighter. He then proceeded to try an force his way through the hole he made, While our neighbors across the street watched and called the cops. He even stuck around long enough to be caught. When the cops showed up and we showed them the video, we all had a pretty good laugh at just how stupid the guy was. The best part about the whole thing was that the door to the Jeep was open, we never keep anything of value in it.

26. One inmate that was charged with fleeing from police told me that he couldn’t believe “running from the cops” was a chargeable offense.

27. Had a tweaker who was breaking into a neighbor’s house claim he lived at mine.

I asked him to pet the dog if he did live there. The look on his face was priceless as he looked at the large German Shepard barking at him. I would have stopped the dog if he had the balls to pet it, but still, the look on his face, still makes me laugh.

28. Had an idiot go speeding past our building at 85 in a 30. We were in the middle of shift change and there were a dozen of us milling around out front. So of course everyone wanted to pull the guy over. Two patrols take off after him, and pull him over.

Moron was one of us from another shift, though we would not stop him. They threw the book at him and he was surprised the whole time.

29. Story from a cop: He and his partner were sent to interview a suspect involved in armed robbery out of state. They show up to his house and find him sitting on the porch. They call him by name and announce themselves as police officers. Then they say, do you know why we are here? The suspect says, “Yeah, that armed robbery in Atlanta.”

The guy apparently was more worried about being seen as out of the loop than being seen as innocent.

30. The guy who tried to mug the Marines running the Toys for Tots drive during the holiday season comes to mind… apparently he was quite clumsy and ‘tripped over the curb’. Eight times.

31. I’m a security guard at a large casino. This woman flags me down and tells me she left 3,000 dollars in a machine, and went to the bathroom. Someone took the ticket, and cashed out. After some investigating, we find that there were three guys, but one dude, in a super obnoxious CA Flag shirt with a matching CA flag hat kept all the money. We put out a BOLO on the guy; hoping maybe we’d find him based on his face and physical descriptors. The next day, I clock in, and start walking around. I’m cruising through a slot section, and I’ll be damned, this dude is sitting there in the exact same outfit, with exactly 2k in his pocket and 1k in the machine. I couldn’t believe it. Called for backup, detained the guy, the police came and arrested him. Easily the dumbest criminal I’ve met. The dude was genuinely surprised that we found him.

32. My ex brother in law was never very bright. But, he decided to rob a petrol station (gas station). Goes in carrying a knife. Walking right past some customers vehicles. Including one with a big blue light on and words Police plastered all over it and the two big guys in black uniforms in there.

33. My dad’s a lawyer and one of his clients who was just out of jail at the time was feeling a little hungry but had no money.

Naturally he goes to the nearest deli and steals and entire roast chicken. Unfortunately for him this deli was a favorite of the local police and there were two officers right outside who immediately began to try to arrest him.

Not wanting to give up his prize he kept running frantically trying to eat as much of the chicken as he could before he got caught. Multiple witness and camera footage of this man sprinting up the high street clutching a whole chicken to his face.

34. We had a inmate who got really high and drunk before breaking into a house. He stumbled over a couch and it flipped onto his legs and he passed out. The couch cut off circulation to his legs and the owners came home to a passed out man in their house. He lost his legs and his prison nickname was “legs”.

35. So this guy was arrested a couple days ago for driving a stolen vehicle. Vehicle gets impounded, guy gets thrown in jail.

Upon release he decides to call the sheriff’s department to ask where the stolen car is because he left his backpack in it in the course of stealing it.

Says it’s his property and I’m stealing it from him….

36. So I get a call of a beer run (shoplifting) from the local CVS. I check the area and see 2 guys matching the description. I detain them and sure enough they had a couple Coronas and some off brand whiskey. I confirm with CVS they were the suspects, the alcohol was their property, and they are desirous of prosecution. All is good, my state requires I take them to the station to book into jail and get fingerprinted, then they are issued a citation and released with a court date a couple months out.

While driving to the station I ask what they were doing stealing the alcohol. One guy says that they are only 20 and since they weren’t old enough to buy it, they just decided to steal it instead. No big deal, young people make stupid mistakes. I get to the jail, book them in and start filling out the citation. The citation requires both birthdate and age. I do the math on the birthday, and sure enough the guy is 21. Meaning he is old enough to buy alcohol. I go back into the jail and verify his birthday. Yup, same one he had listed on his drivers license. I re-do the math out loud. 21 years old. I ask “how old are you again?” He replies “20 sir.” I said “you turned 21 last month.” Again he is adamant “no I turned 20.” I just left it at that…

37. I knew a guy who got busted selling weed. He went to his hearing at the court, and went through the metal detector…with an Altoid tin full of ecstasy pills in his pocket. It set off the metal detector, sheriff’s deputies searched him, found the pills, and arrested him on the spot.

38. Ex police officer here. I pulled over a dude for having a brake light out. Nothing serious, ran his plated and the likes. It all came back clean and nothing seemed off, until he exclaimed, “I haven’t had any alcohol!” In an over enthusiastic tone…. for some reason he thought this was a good idea… so nearly got away with it (vodka doesn’t smell). I breathalized him… legal limit in England is 35 he blew over 60…. Arrested on the spot and his vehicle towed. Idiot.

39. My first step dad was once arrested for selling stolen farm equipment (like massive tractors and shit) to an undercover officer.

Several years later he was again arrested for the exact same crime, by the exact same officer, who was in disguise this time.

Several years after that he was once again arrested for nearly the same crime…by the same officer… who was dressed as a woman. The only difference this time being that he was trying to sell stolen chain link fencing instead of tractors or whatever.

40. I am a nurse in a very busy Emergency Room in a large city. We had a guy come in police custody for multiple reasons, one being that he was combative and very high. Long story short we found various drugs up his ass. His response? “Those aren’t mine.”

41. She called us to get her keys she locked inside her car. Opened the door and instantly smelt weed. Unregistered handgun was in the side panel of the door and she had a warrant out for her arrest

42. My dad is a cop and he was interrogating a robber which was denying he had any involvement since the start.

Dad: “The Man told us that you robbed him of $500!”

Robber: “No it was only $300!”

He basically gave himself away.

43. Not me but my buddy is a cop and told me about this one kid in particular he dealt with for years. No cleverness to him, numerous times he walked into his neighbors garage in broad daylight and just stole his bike. Constantly stole from stores in plain view, even the occasional minor assault or burglary . He always got caught. Like had never gotten away with any of his hundreds of crimes but because he was a minor there were never any real repercussions. A few days before he turned 18 my friend and another officer went to his house to basically remind him that if he does anything after that he will face real punishment as an adult and he’ll get zero breaks. Like a last ditch effort to be helpful. Two days after his 18th birthday he’s caught committing an armed robbery. Pretty sure he’s doing a few decades behind bars.

44. So I’m sitting in the station, doing paperwork. I’m looking out of the window, and a few yards away is a bus stop. A young lad is smashing the glass of the bus stop, as a way of showing off to a couple of girls. So I sigh, walk about 20 yards over to him and arrest him.

45. My father is a police officer. He once told me a story of a call he went to for reports of a man and woman fighting in an apartment (call came from neighbors for noise complaints/concern). He was 3rd shift, so this was at some point very late at night, when all the crazy people are up and at em. When he arrived he could hear the yelling through the door, he knocked and let them know it was the police. There was immediate silence and a man answered the door… completely naked. The naked man didn’t even give my dad a chance to speak or ask questions, the first thing he said was “I don’t have a knife behind my back.” Well, he definitely did have a knife behind his back. And the naked woman he was with had drugs, which was what they were fighting over. They both got arrested that night. Tip: don’t do illegal drugs, and if you do, don’t answer the door for the cops.

46. Once, when I went to the grocery store, there were a few officers inside, getting statements from some of the staff. Apparently some guy had dropped a gallon-sized ziploc bag full of crack on the floor while he was walking out. Staff members noticed it right away and called the police… right before the guy comes back into the store, demanding that the staff return his crack. He was still arguing with and threatening them when the police walked in the door.

47. Went to a job of 2 males attempting to break into a car. Job description said they had been at it for at least an hour.

Got there and the car was theirs. They had apparently locked themselves out. Checks confirmed it did belong to one of the persons’ mum. On their person was stolen mail and heaps of phones and new stuff in boxes in the car so they got arrested for theft anyway.

Ended up that the drivers door they had been trying to break into was the only locked door out of the 4. Was unlocked everywhere else the whole time they were there.

48. Teen gets fired from Red Lobster, returns to rob same restaurant that night. They refuse to give him money from register so he grabs charity coin box (muscular dystrophy or similar) and then he leaves on bicycle. I go to find him and see coins scattered about, follow trail off same which leads me to him hiding in bushes at a church. Bicycle was leaning up against the bush he was in.

49. At a smoke shop. 3 guys broke in through a large window, left blood everywhere just trying to get in. Walked right past the high end fancy expensive glass and proceeded to grab as many cheap Chinese bongs as possible. They went back through the window breaking 2 or 3 bongs in the process of crawling through the tiny hole they made probably cutting themselves even more than they already have and high tailed it across the street. They seemed to have dropped damn near everything while running because there was literally a trail of broken glass leading to the apartment accross the street. Cops came, followed the glass trail leading directly to someones door. Looked over the little fence to their bottom floor balcony and saw 3 guys all cut up smoking from a broken bong. We estimated they took 8 or 9 bongs, they were smoking from the only survivor. They turned out to be regulars. Never seem em again after that

50. There was a kid who sold drugs on my floor of the college dorm who wasn’t the brightest. One night he was driving back to the dorm and a police car comes behind him and turns on their lights. His dumbass stored all of his drugs in his car and assumed they were pulling him over for possession. He proceeds to drive through a red light and pull into the dorm parking lot to “hide.” Mind you, his car was covered in bumper stickers, had a kayak rack, and a vanity plate to top it all off. The parking lot only had one entrance and exit too… Apparently he thought the police car wouldn’t go through a red light to follow him. Long story short, they were just going to warn him for having a taillight out and nothing more. Instead, he ended up in the local jail and expelled from the college. The funniest part is that his “ledger” of all transactions and the dollar amounts, “products”, and buyers was also right there in his car. He was one stupid criminal. TC mark

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January Nelson is a writer, editor, dreamer, and occasional exotic dancer. Her work has appeared on Facebook, ... Read more articles from January on Thought Catalog.