1. What they believe a committed relationship looks like, their goals and aspirations in life, if they want to be in a committed relationship with you.
Something like, “I want to take our relationship to the next level, what do you imagine a committed relationship looks like?”
2. If you aren’t sexually active with each other yet, it would be good to know her plans in that area. If she’s waiting for marriage you best know that now.
In general in regards to future plans – remember that’s not a contract, that’s a good general bit of background about what she’d like in the future. People change – especially if you are young.
Also – you might be overthinking this. You aren’t committing to a lifetime together. Presumably you are talking about committing to seeing each other exclusively, so you don’t need to be on the same page with everything future-wise.
The biggest question you should ask yourself is: Do I like this person enough to stop seeing other people, do I want to get to know her better, and do I trust her enough to open up and let her know me better? You can learn all that other future stuff on the way – this isn’t a job interview for her.
3. These topics aren’t a “yes” or “no” answer, but more things you’ll have to assess based on how you know her. Personally, I find these value areas to be the source of the demise or success of most relationships:
Outlook on money and budgeting. You should be mostly similar if you want to build anything together.
Maturity. Life isn’t a Disney fairytale. Is she ready to be your partner or does she want you to always put out her fires because “you are the man”? Some guys disagree with me here though and are looking for a more traditional housewife type, so you may disagree and that’s fine but, to me, this is important because I’m not looking for a dependent.
Confidence. Is she confident enough to not demand to, or secretly do so, go through your phone every time you innocently come home late or want to hang out with your friends? Jealousy doesn’t show how much you love someone, it shows how insecure you are about yourself as being valuable.
Emotional stability. How does she react to negative in her life? If she melts down when Starbucks forgets her straw, that anger will eventfully be turned on you when you don’t act as she wants. If her ex was always wrong, you will probably always be wrong in disagreements too.
Love language. You should be able to make each other feel appreciated naturally. If you feel appreciation through acts of service, she should recognize and respect that without too much work. If she does through words of affirmation, you should be able to roll off compliments without too much work too.
Religious/Political Values: if either of these are important to you or her, you should be almost identical. It’s hard to reconcile these differences. Some people do, but it’s still hard.
4. Go on a holiday together. A boring one, like a week on a lake or island with nothing around or rent a tiny room in some boring city to “spend time together”
A week in close quarters and a very very boring environment brings out the worst in you and her, you will fight and if you manage to get through that you’ll have a pretty good idea of each other’s worst habits and annoyances. You want someone on your time who fights to stay together the same as you do.
5. What’s your FICO credit score?
6. I’m a single mom of a little boy. Before I start dating a guy seriously I evaluate his behavior with this one question: would I be proud of my son if he grew up to be a man like this?
Look at your girl in that way. Would you be proud of your future daughter if she grew up to act like this young lady? Would you want your son to bring home a woman like her?
Even if you’re not planning on having children, this is still a very powerful way to evaluate someone you’re considering spending a considerable portion of your life with.
7. Ask her if she thinks she can live without sex. If you’re a man of average libido or higher, you want a woman who at least struggles with the answer. If you get a quick “yes, of course,” then you’re dating a future low libido person. You should at least be aware that that is in your future. Often in the throes of your first year or two it is difficult to know what a person’s steady-state view of sex will be… over time it is generally not the same as when you first meet… it is invariably lower.
8. Do you live together? If not I would definitely havea serious conversation about morning habits, cleaning routines, pet preferences, dishes, laundry, etc thoughts. I know these are probably not as important as some of the others said but if you have never lived together, you would have no idea. Not deal breakers but worth a conversation.
9. Girl here: how she feels about her exes. If she hates them all with a passion, calls them insane etc there’s a chance she’s over playing it and will add you to the list when you break up because she can’t handle rejection. Healthy, adjusted adults should be able to leave a relationship on good terms.
10. Ask are you in debt? Student loans, IRS, credit cards.
11. Does she even want a committed relationship? It’s possible that she may not, or that she may not want one with you.
12. I would ask if she hooked up in the recent past or if she’s multi dating. For me they’re deal breakers.
13. Why did your ex break up with you? You can tell a whole lot from that answer.
14. Find out if she masturbates regularly. These types tend to have higher libido, IME.
15. How much texting is expected? That’s a big one I guess. Are you meant to be available all day and respond right away? Can you reply later? My girlfriend texts like a teenager. I text like someone who grew up without it. This can lead to issues as a larger part of communication in general.
16. Do you use the snooze button on your alarm clock, and if so how much?
17. Here are my top ten questions :
Are you a cat person or a dog person ?
How would you describe your relationship with your father using only 6 words ?
Are you a jealous person ?
Will you eventually be telling me what to wear ?
Are you a material girl ?
Are you sexually uninhibited ?
How do you feel about body hair – mine and yours ?
Do you smoke ?
Do you currently use recreational drugs ? If yes, which ? And how frequently?
Are you now or have you ever been on any anti-depression or anti-anxiety meds ?
18. Sexual kinks and compatibility. No one thinks to talk about this or ask before a relationship. You’d be surprised how much sex or fetishes/kinks can make or break a relationship.
19. How does she handle money? Seriously, this one is huge. If you’re a spender and she’s a saver then it has the potential to cause issues, if you’re both spenders that’s a definitely going to result in problems, if you’re both savers you’ll need to make sure you’re on the same page about what you’re saving for. Does she pay bills on time? Do you? If you have credit cards do you pay them off monthly or keep a balance? These are potentially big issues that need to be discussed before lifelong commitments are made.
20. “Are you in love with me?”
“Do you find me attractive?”
“Is marriage forever, or just a thing that’s right for you right now?”
21. Do you have a STD?
22. Depending on how far along we are, like if we are together and committed and feelings are getting caught, I always ask about credit and debt. People think I’m nuts but, it’s a legitimate question.
I own a home with about 80k left on the note. No other debt outside my car loan. No cc debt, no student loan debt. My home is worth around 300k so I am sitting on a small comfortable pile of money.
Two years ago I’m dating this girl, I’m super into her. Like ready to move out of state together and start a life in Montana into her. And at dinner one night I asked her what her financial situation was for housing for the move. Did she want to buy, rent, etc. She laughed and said she could never buy a house in her lifetime. I asked why and she said she had like 100k in student loan debt and hadn’t paid anything on it in years. Huge huge huge red flag from me.
No matter how much I like a person, I am NOT taking on their debt. That’s insane to me. Another buddy of mine is going through an utterly nasty divorce. He paid her way through 4 years of college, he paid all her cc debt down to the tune of like 30k, and in the divorce, where he was the 90% breadwinner, she’s getting half of everything, and she has the degree, he has a trade.
No fucking deal. Even when that was going on we all warned him… Once she gets her debt paid, degree done, she’s gone. And it happened. She used him like an ATM and a sperm donor and boom. Gone. Half gone. Lost his house he paid 20k down for out his pocket and he’ll never see a nickel.
So at this point I will never get close to someone is they have a big pile of debt over their heads.
23. Who did you vote for?
24. Kids, money, marriage.
I’ve ended countless potential romantic interests based off those three words.
I can’t stand children so I got snipped which is a huge deal breaker for a lot of women. Im no Richie Rich but I would expect my partner to share the same money related values as I do (saving, investing into retirement accounts, smart with money, ect). Lastly marriage, this is a good one to gauge expectations on in general.
25. What to do if you get pregnant. And KEEP having this conversation, because after some time the answers may change. It will make any accidents so much simply when everybody is happily on the same page. If you feel like you differ even slightly from your partner, take an ACTIVE and CONSISTSBT role in the birth control. That means no slacking, ever.
26. Pretty big one is what your ideal marriage looks like?
Also how important family is to both of y’all. Splitting holidays and birthdays and if both families could coexist and like each other.
How do you (if wanted) want to raise your kids one day.
Just different philosophies on things.
27. Are you currently under indictment for a major crime or in the midst of a lengthy legal battle? It’s nice to know up front. My partner revealed this to me in the first few weeks. I respect her taking the chance that it might have been a deal breaker and was honest anyway.
28. Do you tuck the blankets and sheets in the bottom of the bed and make them all tight and uniform?
Made the mistake of not asking this one and now I’m stuck with a blanket tucker.
29. What’s your stance on what to do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy when neither you nor your partner are prepared to become parents?
Do you know the extent of your contraceptive options? If not, are you willing to learn about them? What contraception have you used in the past? Are you on any form of hormonal birth control right now or have a copper IUD? Have you had any bad experiences with any form of contraception or have anything going on healthwise that indicates that you absolutely should not use hormonal contraception or been told by your doctor not to take it? What forms of contraception are you open to using? How do you feel about using two compatible forms of contraception?
What she believes good communication in a relationship looks like and how comfortable she is talking about sex.
30. Are you single?
31. Toilet paper – over or under?
32. Do you have any STDs?
Do you have any trauma or mental illnesses that may impact our relationship?
What’s your relationship with religion?
How far can you see yourself going in defense of yourself, your property, or your loved ones? (I don’t date pacifists).
What are your thoughts on non-monogamous relationships?
These are just a few.
33. Before I would commit, I would need to know:
Thoughts on children
Thoughts on pets
Do you like multi colored flashy and blinky lights on the Christmas tree or just plain clear lights?
34. What does your ideal day look like?
35. Pay attention to her and to yourself when you have an argument.
If you get mad at each other, but can still listen to what the other has to say, you will have a long marriage.
36. Ask them what they want up front and determine whether or not you can fulfill it, and tell her what you want as well and determine if she can fill it. That’s the point.
37. Did you vote?
38. The most important question most people miss is if their in a poly or a mono relationship.
39. My therapist gave me the “three legs that hold up a relationship” and I think it stands pretty true.
Have a good sex life.
Share the same goals/dreams in life.
Be able to engage philosophically with each other.
40. You should ask yourself what is most important to you for your life then ask her how she feels about these things. This could be religion, wanting to own your own home, having children, traveling the world, etc.
You should also talk about how you want the relationship to work. For example, exclusive, mutual trust, decisions made together, etc.
As others have said, in many relationships this is found out and agreed upon over time so know that if you want to short-cut that with one conversation then it’s going to be pretty intense. Good luck my dude!
41. Not really a question, but the people she hangs around with can be a good indication of what she is ‘really’ like and not just how she acts around you.
42. Politics, Need vs. Want, Like & Love, previous relationships/number count, Meds (insulin, anti-psychotics, etc.). Understanding what sacrifice means is a huge one.
43. I asked about equality, I like my partner to be equal and don’t want her to think I need to act a certain way because I’m a man. I have known women to be hugely about women’s rights but still want a man to do traditional “man things” be massively hypercritical!
Sex things. You have to be in the same boat.
If it’s with an American, I have to make sure she doesn’t believe in genital mutilation on baby boys. I won’t be with someone who is pro sexually assaulting children. Especially if they go shouting “my body, my choice” about women’s bodies like a hypercrit.
Money, everything is 50:50 always.
She should make my life better, not worse. I am fine 90% of the time so I am not downgrading.
44. More so you should ask these before you even think of committing to a relationship, but:
“Are you cool with your parents?”
“Are they still together?”
Also, ask about who their friends are. Chances are, they are all pretty similar. Are her friends people you want to be around or see yourself around? Are they people that would bring positive influence to YOU?
Often times you won’t exactly know who their friends are until later on of knowing a person.
If her friends bother you in any way that makes you question the potential partner herself, skedaddle.
This doesn’t mean ditching someone just because their friends dress like shit, it means ditching em if her friends strike a deeper negative chord in you, not petty stuff, but things that will communicate to you what sort of standards your potential partner has in friends will tell you the sort of standards he / she has for themselves.
A bunch of druggy friends, life failures, promiscuous friends don’t exactly instill confidence in me that a potential mate is a good choice, but these are things that strike a negative chord in me, personally. It will be different for everybody.
This also obviously not exactly 100% true but this will tell you how likely she is to have ‘Daddy Issues’ or a fucked up family / friend life that results in all sorts of issues. Chances are, there’s millions of people directly around you, don’t get lost in infatuation, it’ll make you ignore any red flags, that’s why it is so important to screen a partner early on.
45. Depends on what you want and are looking for in a woman.
For example: if you are looking for a partner instead of a dependent, you might want to ask what her education, career, goals and ambitions are.
I dated a girl for about 6 months before my current wife and I met. We’ll call this girl Gillian. Gillian and I got a little drunk one night and out of nowhere she tells me that if we’re going to keep on having sex, then theirs always a chance that she could get pregnant (yeah, I’m aware of how that all works). And, if she gets pregnant then their is “absolutely, no way I’m going to poison that child with a cocktail full of drugs that aren’t proven by science to do anything for a baby!”.
We broke up the next day.
47. Girls often end up taking on their mothers body type. Not always. But it’s a good indicator.
And girls often pattern their treatment of you on how their mother treated their father.
Make sure you understand what you are getting.
48. Getting to know her family will be critical if you are considering marriage down the road.
49. Do you have a good life goal?
Do you want kids?
What shower power would you want to have?
50. Ideally you’d want to have a good understanding of the things that are usually taboo in polite conversation, because those things can also be deal-breakers for some people. Religion, politics, etc…