26 Sex Puns That Are Almost As Good As An Orgasm

By January Nelson Updated January 16, 2024

Nothing is better than sex. But these sex puns come close.

If you aren’t getting laid, you should laugh at these sex puns to distract you from your loneliness. After all, ladies love a good sense of humor. Even if you aren’t going to get a strong orgasm tonight, at least you’ll get a strong laugh.

1. What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can just keep the tip.

2. Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.

3. Who does anal?

Assholes.

4. A kiss makes your day…

But anal makes your hole weak.

5. My boyfriend went to bed naked.

I think he has a boner to pick with me.

6. Is having a penis fun?

It has its ups and downs.

7. Have you ever given a blowjob?

They are a mouthful.

8. I would tell you a penis joke…

But I don’t want to come across as cocky.

9. Why is sex similar to a thunderstorm?

You can never know how many inches you will get or how long it will last.

10. How do you get ‘Dick’ from ‘Richard?’

You ask nicely.

11. What do you call a ghost’s erection?

A booooner.

12. What’s the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke.

13. Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated?

It came out of nowhere.

14. My wife is a sex object.

Every time I ask for sex… she objects.

15. I tried phone sex once.

But the holes in the dialer were too small.

16. My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That’s the best I’ve done so far.

17. If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…

I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.

18. My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

19. Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.

I was in the women’s bathroom.

20. What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

“If we don’t get some support here people are going to think we’re nuts.”

21. What kind of bees produce milk?

Boobies.

22. What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A cherry float.

23. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

24. I got a handjob from a blind girl last night She said, “You have the biggest dick I’ve ever put my hands on.”

I said, “Nah. You’re just pulling my leg.”

25. I told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

26. What’s the difference between your dick and a joke?

Nobody laughs at your jokes.

More Humorous, Punny Jokes

Below are more clever puns to share with loved ones and make them smile.