If you are the type of person who experiences attraction to someone only after connection with them on a level that dives deep below the surface, you may be a demisexual.
By definition, a demisexual is someone who exists at the halfway point between asexuality and sexuality. Sex does not repulse you, like it would for someone who was asexual, but you can only engage in it under certain circumstances — unlike sexual beings, who are driven by passion and physical gratification. For you, sex only occurs if you have formed a deep, emotional bond with the person you are having sex with.
Here are 13 signs that prove you may be a demisexual — because to you, nothing turns you off more than the idea of bar hookups and having to flirt with people who just want to talk to you about the weather.
1. You don’t crave, or particularly like, being physically touched.
While physical advances might excite some people, you find them anxious and stressful. You do not crave that kind of intimacy, and you would much rather just have a soulful conversation with someone. The thought of being felt up, or kissed at the end of a date, genuinely makes you want to crawl out of your skin.
2. You always felt different growing up.
From a young age, you learned very quickly that you thought differently about sexuality and intimacy. While most of your friends were interested in boys or girls, their first kisses, etc you always felt pulled to other things in life, and never quite understood their fascination. You always felt like an outsider, and sometimes questioned if there was something wrong with you because the same things that excited your friends did not gratify you.
3. Sex is only enjoyable to you under certain circumstances.
Being a demisexual does not mean that you are completely repulsed by sex. However, you only enjoy sex when you feel a deep and emotional bond with the person you are intimate with. If that connection fails to exist with someone, the thought of even being naked in front of them makes you uncomfortable. So, while you enjoy sex, it has to be with the right person, under the right terms.
4. You don’t rate your attraction to someone off of their appearance.
You have never understood apps like Tinder or Bumble, and whenever you friends make comments about a strangers appearance, you are incapable of relating to them. For you, someone’s attractive nature is only ever to be found within, and you could never swipe left or right on another person without ever having developed a connection with them. Physical appearance plays a very small, if not nonexistent, role in what draws you to someone.
5. You’ve been called a “prude” before.
Because you aren’t swiping left and right every weekend, and you lack the ability to get excited over potential sexual partners, you are often called a prude. This is because demisexuality is very misunderstood, and those who do not comprehend it think that it means you are uptight. We know this is not true — in reality you just don’t find surface level intimacy even remotely interesting.
6. You are hopeful for deep relationships.
While some may think that not needing to be physically touched or flirted with would make you asexual, the truth is that you actually long for deep and meaningful relationships. You long for the comfort and the intimacy you imagine yourself having with someone who emotionally understands you. Sometimes it is difficult for you and causes you anxiety, because while you don’t crave to be flirted with or touched, you do crave pragmatic love, and genuinely want to find it one day.
7. You have never participated in hookup culture.
Nothing repulses you more than the thought of having to flirt at a bar, or get someone’s phone number. The concept of leaving with a stranger and being intimate with them warps your mind. Instead, your idea of a fun night at the bar is simply just you spending time with your friends dancing, talking, and enjoying each other, rather than looking for conquests.
8. While others crave sex, you just aren’t on the same level.
When you’re a demisexual in a world that is so, for lack of a better word, horny — you often feel less sexually charged compared to others. People are so deeply ingrained in a culture that favors blatant sexuality and you have never understood that. Seeing your friends try to hard to hookup with others, or simply seeing just how much emphasis is put on sex in the media and in society as a whole, has never resonated with you.
9. You long for deep, emotional bonds with others.
You want someone who trust you, and who feels emotionally connected with you. That is what you crave. You do not crave skin on skin contact, you do not crave a steamy or sexy rendezvous with a stranger; no — you crave pure intimacy. You would rather be admire for your intelligence, your wit, and your heart, than anything physical attribute you have. When you experience this kind of emotional intimacy, it send vibrations throughout you. You feel understood, seen, and nothing excited you more than a deep conversation with someone who simply just mirrors you.
10. You would prefer to satisfy yourself sexually.
When you do crave sexual gratification, you don’t go searching for others to satisfy you. Instead, you’d rather save those moments for those who deeply care about you, so you have learned how to physically please yourself and you are always content with doing so.
11. When you do have sex, it is about connection, not gratification.
Sleeping with someone for you is a way that you deepen an emotional bond. Finally, you have found someone that sees you on a level that most don’t, and that is where your sexuality opens up. Sex is a channel for you to connect with another human being, and to get as close as possible to them. It makes you feel like you are truly one with them, and that is all you have ever wanted in a relationship.
12. You don’t know how to flirt.
You never know when someone is flirting with you, and you don’t really care to know either. Surface-level conversations don’t inspire you. While your friends may enjoy the conquest of chasing someone, and flirting with them before going home with them, you’d much rather just skip the whole thing and find something that emotionally stimulates you.You don’t have time to worry if someone likes you or not. You long for something that exists in a different realm of love.
13. You’ve only ever dated friends.
Because you are the kind of person who craves emotional connection, you often find yourself attracted to those in your life who have taken the time to get to know you and care for you in a pragmatic way. Whenever you have entered into a serious relationship, it has almost always occurred with a friend because you both respect and love each other even before the capacity to be intimate existed between you two.