What Your Attachment Style Says About Your Sex Life

Abdi Lopez

Attachment theory suggests that there are four main classifications of dynamics between long-term and short-term relationships: Secure, Anxious-Ambivalent, Anxious-Avoidant, and Disorganized. Studies have shown that being aware of you and your partner’s attachment styles leads to an overall improvement in relationship and sexual satisfaction.

Secure

As is obvious from just the name alone, those with a secure attachment style are very comfortable being close with other people. People with this attachment style usually are the most satisfied in their relationships and enjoy establishing a connection to other people right off the bat. They don’t prioritize themselves nor do they prioritize their partners, they allow balance within the relationship — both emotionally and physically. They are comfortable working with what their partner is feeling and putting into account with how they’re feeling. They are typically very open individuals who are comfortable with intimacy.

Avoidant

Those with an avoidant attachment style are typically reluctant or hesitant to become close to others, mostly out of fear of being abandoned. These are the types of people in relationships who prefer not to reveal a lot of their personal feelings to their partner, no matter how open their partner is or how long they’ve been together for. Those with avoidant attachment are less likely to initiate sex with their partner and feel very intimidated and uncomfortable with both emotional and physical intimacy. But, avoidant individuals are more likely to feel the most comfortable leaving an unsatisfactory relationship, in order to find someone who can better accomodate them and make them feel valued — unlike the anxious individuals, who would prioritize being dependent on someone no matter what, than being alone. Those who are avoidantly attached lean towards being self-reliant in most matters including their sexual needs — according to a study, those with avoidant attachment styles sometimes prefer relying on masturbation and porn to satisfy their needs, rather than a partner — and prioritize what they want over their significant other.

Anxious

Those with an anxious attachment style are usually more dependent on other people in relationships and are very afraid of being left alone. Similar to the avoidant attachment style, those with anxious attachment styles have trouble establishing physical intimacy with their partners. The difference between the two is that anxious types are more likely to equate sex with romantic love, and can reduce their sexual insecurities by genuinely feeling close to their partner on an emotional level. Sex, to the anxiously attached, is a very key way to making them feel very loved and comfortable. Unfortunately, this also means that anxiously attached people are more likely to use sex as a means of reducing their fears of being left alone — even if it’s clearly with the wrong person. Anxiously attached individuals will prioritize their partner’s sexual needs over their own and are more likely to agree to have sex, even if they don’t necessarily want to.

Disorganized

This type is the most anxious and avoidant of any form of intimate relationship — both emotional and physical. It takes a lot of time and patience before those with disorganized attachment styles to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and open towards their partner. Moving too quickly, both emotionally and physically, will scare these individuals away immediately. They are incredibly scared of being abandoned and panic that if things move too fast, they might never get over the pain of you leaving them. They have incredible difficulty with long-term commitment. TC mark

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