1. Because your Aunt has asked you why you are single twelve times and you’d like to forget about all of those reasons. Tonight your significant other is gin. Lots of gin.
2. Because you blatantly left your holiday shopping to the very last minute, and you really, really need some help enduring the seventeen different covers of “Silent Night” they’re playing in the mall.
3. Because alcohol, like the kind found in beer, contains fibre, and fibre will help you digest the six pounds of Toblerone you managed to eat over the span of two hours. Think of it like working out, but with your liver.
4. Because no memorable New Years Eve ever started with a water.
5. Because you just watched Love Actually and you are convinced that you absolutely must text that crush of yours.
6. Because you maybe had too much liquid courage and sent that aforementioned crush of yours the VEVO link to “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” Now you must forget.
7. Because that one overachiever relative of yours keeps talking about their perfect life and their RRSP, and you’d really benefit from drowning your inferiority complex in tequila for the night.
8. Because it’s midnight on New Years Eve and the only kiss you can count on is the one you’re getting from Dom Perignon.
9. Because someone, somewhere is alone for the holidays and you should really be a good person and pour a drink dedicated to them to signify your solidarity.
10. Because no one in your family really expects you the be the sober one, anyway.
11.Because for Christmas your parents got you a book entitled, “Overcoming Social Anxiety for the Socially Inept Millennial.”
12. Because your ugly Christmas sweater caught on fire when you tried to engage its light-show.
13. Because the only stocking you got was an actual stalking from a creep on Instagram who goes by the name of “Footfetishboy.”
14. Because your Grandmother’s seasonal fruit cake can only be endured if you wash it down with copious amounts of wine.
15. Because your Facebook feed is overflowing with pictures of holiday engagement announcements, and there you are – taking a photo under the mistletoe with your Aunts German Shepherd.
16. Because you’ve already made it through most of your work holiday party and you still have your phone, your wallet, and your dignity. What is the worst that could happen?
17. Because you can’t really get drunk off of Eggnog. Right?
18. Because you have to endure your local holiday parade and nothing keeps you warmer when you’re freezing your ass off quite like a flask filled with bourbon does.
19. Because Santa doesn’t exist anymore, but whiskey does.