1. Hang out with other depressed people. I know that misery loves company but unless you want to be residing in the bell jar for an indefinite period of time, I suggest surrounding yourself with positive, uplifting people. Sitting around with your friends and commiserating about how awful your life is like eating a bunch of candy: it feels really good for a second but then you’re like, “Ew, I feel sick.”
2. Be in denial about the fact that you’re depressed. Contrary to what you might think, sobbing in public at 3:00 in the afternoon is not “LOL, weird!” It’s scary and it’s something you should pay attention to. How can you ever expect to move past something if you can’t acknowledge that it’s there in the first place?
3. Drink. When you do that, you’re like an ant and the booze is the magnifying glass. YOU ARE GONNA FRY, BABY. Drinking is for happy times, stressed times, vacation times, sexy times. It’s not for devastating times.
4. Do drugs. Although it’s tempting to take your feelings and be like “Bye!”, doing drugs to escape just takes you to another darker place than where you were to begin with. Hello, haven’t you seen Intervention? I don’t want you to be walking on THAT kind of sunshine.
5. Call your ex. I know you’re feeling vulnerable and grasping at straws to talk to someone who “really knows you” but that phone call has a price that you can’t afford to pay. Put the phone down and pick up a bottle of Valium. (I mean, oops, don’t do drugs.)
6. Retreat into your room and ignore all of your friends. That can be fine for a minute but then your room will start to resemble an insane asylum and you’ll really start to lose your crap. Plus, no man is an island! If you’re going through a tough time, talk it out!
7. Look at yourself naked in the mirror. Don’t ever do this if you can help it.
8. Wallow in it for too long. Don’t kiss your depression. Don’t tell it to “call me maybe.” Don’t give it a handjob. Kick it the hell out of your brain.
9. Eat a ton of crappy food. Because then you’ll just wake up feeling sick and fat. WHAT’S UP, MORE DEPRESSION.
10. Have empty sex with an asshole stranger. Unless the sex is really good. Then it could be nice for 2.5 seconds.
11. Google “Paris Hilton” and look at pictures of people who have more money than God. Just because life isn’t fair doesn’t mean we have to remind ourselves of it.