Be My Boyfriend

I feel like I’m dead most of the time. Actually, that’s too harsh of a word. “Going through the motions” would be a more accurate thing to say. Less dramatic. Less of a cause for alarm, right? The “hilarious” part is that I don’t even really know that I’m going through the motions until something wakes me up. Only when I feel alive do I realize I had ever been dead. Isn’t that typically the way though? Sometimes you don’t even realize something is dirty until it’s been cleaned. Then you’re like, “Oh, I guess that’s the way it’s always supposed to look. Who knew?”

I won’t lie to you. This is about a boy. It always is. It will always be about a boy. Wanting, needing, getting, and eventually losing. The second I met this boy, I knew he was going to be an important part of my life. I rarely feel this way so when I do, I pay attention. I listen to myself. I investigate. “Who is this person and why do I think they’ll matter so much to me?” It’s so uncommon that I ever feel compelled to really get to know someone. I’ll meet them first and if we develop a good rapport, that’s great. If not, okay. It wasn’t meant to be. But with some people, I feel like I’m meant to know them and will pursue them relentlessly. Is this weird? Do others experience this? It makes me sound creepy. I swear I’m not. I just know what I like. (And it’s easy to know what you like when you seldom like anything.)

So this boy — I want to date him. I want to know his childhood secrets, his best friends, his family. I want to sit in his room and just absorb everything I see. I want to be a detective and look through his stuff. They’ll help give me clues as to who this person really is and provide me with shortcuts. I want to take care of him. Seriously, I want to take him in my arms and just… help him. I want to put his head on my chest and lay in bed with him and turn everything else in the world off so we are the only ones who are vibrating. I want to fall asleep with you in the backseat of the cab and I want to make you cum and I want you to know that if you ever happened to choke on a sandwich alone in your apartment and die, your body wouldn’t just sit there for days like a lonely, sad, single person. I would find you immediately. (SIGH, ROMANCE.)

I know I sound ridiculous. Maybe I’ve watched too many romantic comedies or something but I don’t think that’s exactly why I’m turning into such a pile of mush. Having a crush, potentially loving someone, is, like, the great equalizer for humans. We all act the same way, we all think the same sentimental crap. I’m just the one who writes about it.

Simply put, I want to make this dude into my boyfriend. I want to “wife” him up, as they say in 2012. I want to be his motherf-cking plus one. And you know what? I think I actually have a good chance of making it happen. I have a good feeling about this. There’s a tingling in my bones. I feel misunderstood 99% of the time, like a misanthropic nightmare, but I think I may have found someone who’s tuned into the same frequency as me.

Life feels easier to go through alone. I know many disagree and while I’m the first to admit that I’m not the happiest person ever, I still honestly prefer being single to settling with someone. I’ve done it before and it feels awful. Like someone gently dragging you across hot concrete. I’d rather be honest with myself than dishonest to another person. I don’t have it in me. Maybe I did when I was 19, 21, 23, but not anymore. Now I can only love the right ones. The only problem being, of course, that so few are actually right.

But not you. You sir are just right. And I just can’t wait love the hell out of you. TC Mark

image – Boris SV

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  • Alli

    We are the same, this is exactly how I am. I needed this right now.

    • Lauren

      I can tell you right now that I have been in this exact situation, and it WILL happen. And if you sincerely feel that this guy is the one for you, chances are he probably is. And it may not happen immediately or exactly how you might expect it to, but just trust me. If it’s meant to be, it will. :)

  • Erika

    Wow!! I am feeling the exact same way about someone at this moment. It sounds stupid but from the second I laid eyes on him my breathe was taken away.

    • Hannah

      I felt exactly the same when I saw mine, hoping it works out =)

  • Sarah

    I miss that feeling, and desperately hope I get it again. It’s refreshing to see something hopeful like this on Thought Catalog. Great piece, and good luck to you!

  • Smriti

    I feel like i am reading something I wrote myself.

    • Julia

      I was about to comment the exact same thing. I cannot believe how accurately this matches something I’ve been wanting to write for a while, but I think I’m going to abandon that because this is obviously perfect. “and it’s easy to know when you seldom like anything”–that’s the worst part. I have plenty of friends and acquaintances that I enjoy spending time with, but the number of people who I can’t find fault in, whose whole beings I adore, who I always identify with and understand…I never find that. And when I do, it’s fucking hard to let it go.

  • http://blogsbytara.wordpress.com tml

    it’s always good to know there are people out there feeling the exact same way. thank you for this! it was eerily similar to my exact thoughts at this very moment.

  • Nicole

    I know this feeling well and I discovered in therapy it’s called having an anxious attachment style.

    • K

      Nicole: hahahahahahahahah. that’s also in the book “Attached” – great read too.

      To the author: But, honestly, I thought this was a great article. SMRITI said it best: “I feel like i am reading something I wrote myself.” That has to be a great compliment to you. You have just put a universal and honest experience into words.

      • Chrissy

        Great piece. I’m afraid I’ve been too jaded to feel this way again. I havent felt this way since last year. And you’re so right…this is such a universal experience.

  • Michaelwg

    “Like someone gently dragging you across hot concrete” is the best description i’ve ever heard for what relationships feel like.

  • Eunice

    :’)

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/07/be-my-boyfriend/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] Thought Catalog » Love & Sex Add a comment […]

  • http://twitter.com/veebloom vee bloom (@veebloom)

    This. Right now. My heart is so swollen because of it.

  • Mei

    This was beautifully written. Hopefully it’ll all pull through and he will be your boyfriend. Best wishes!

  • Hannah

    I know that feel!

  • GQ

    This was so lovely and refreshing, I feel like you’ve febreezed me. At one point I actually believed I was reading my own thoughts. more please! X

  • Erin

    This is fantastic

  • http://twitter.com/Z_paws Zawkward (@Z_paws)

    This is me. Right now.

  • Ally

    Ohh I’m so jealous of this feeling.

  • John

    Truth. (Snaps)

  • Nahid

    “I feel misunderstood 99% of the time, like a misanthropic nightmare…” = me. Fantastic piece.

  • funnyshit

    LMAOOOOO @ mutha fuckin plus one

  • http://www.relationship-advice-free.com/?p=6461 Be My Boyfriend | Thought Catalog : : Relationship Advice – Free

    […] Be My Boyfriend | Thought Catalog […]

  • Dalia

    Incredible piece. It resonates so much with me. I think more people feel this way than they are willing to admit. Good luck to you :)

  • Meg

    Preach, girrrl!

  • http://twitter.com/mexifrida FC

    I feel weird for stuff like this too.
    People think I exaggerate but I can tell instantly.
    Unfortunately, I usually can’t do anything about it due to it being bad timing.

  • http://theperfectlymad.wordpress.com theperfectlymad

    Reblogged this on The Perfectly Mad and commented:
    Be your plus one.

    • http://mangopeels.wordpress.com mathewpaulk

      this article would have been totally awesome and i would have loved it, if I was a girl.
      After reading all the comments, its so obvious how girls so totally want this type of thing

  • http://tearingattheseams.wordpress.com/2012/07/07/be-my-boyfriend-by-january-nelson/ “Be My Boyfriend” by January Nelson « tearing at the seams

    […] excerpts from an article on Thought Catalog by January Nelson entitled “Be My Boyfriend” “I feel like I’m dead most of the time. Actually, that’s too harsh of a word. “Going […]

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