1. The beach.
Since I’m from Southern California, I would love to give the impression that I spent my youth as a surfer chick/mermaid who lived in the ocean and went to clambakes in the summertime, but I’d be lying. The truth is that I HATE the beach. I always have and probably always will. Besides feeling the typical girl anxiety of being in a bikini, I hate getting sand stuck to my body and I positively HATE the ocean. I mean, it’s nice to look at from some chic beach house but I would never dare step foot in it. Waves terrify me, drowning terrifies me, the possibility of swallowing salt walter makes me gag, and oh yeah, there’s sharks! Today, when people ask me to go to the beach, I feel like an asshole for having to come up with a lie, so I’m just going to tell the truth: The beach sucks. I’d rather watch Carrot Top’s sex tape than feel sandy and bored and sweaty and salty for five hours.
2. Eating healthy.
When did people just decide that it was fun to eat healthy? When did people gladly give up cheeseburgers in exchange for kale salad? Did I miss this part of the transition to adulthood, the liking of healthy foods? It’s not like I want to be eating McDonald’s 24/7 but when I eat healthy, it’s not out of preference. I’d rather eat pasta than veggies any day but I choose the latter because my metabolism is slowing down and I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. My friends, however, claim that eating healthy comes naturally to them and that they don’t miss fatty foods at all. Am I a jerk for thinking they’re full of crap? Why are they acting as if this lifestyle change is effortless? It’s not for me! I order that salad and then I’m open about the fact that I’m still starving afterwards and could go for some fourth meal at Taco Bell. I know I’m not alone in this. I know you freaks want to be on that fourth meal tip. Just join me and then we can all be weirdly overweight together! WHO’S WITH ME?
3. My best friend’s other best friend.
I don’t like my best friend’s other best friend. There. I said it. It’s not because I’m jealous of their friendship and want my BFF all to myself. It’s because she actually sucks. She’s known my best friend since they were in the 1st grade (Yes, it’s one of those friendships) and they’ve remained close, despite having nothing in common anymore. They keep their friendship alive seemingly out of necessity, like they’ve already logged in all of these bonding hours so they might as well keep it going. I want to like this chick, I really do, but she’s pretty insufferable. Talking to her is like watching paint dry, or worse, a Sofia Coppola movie. I think my best friend gets the vibe that I don’t like her so she keeps us separate. But still, I feel kind of guilty for not liking her.
4. True Blood.
I don’t get why people are losing their crap over True Blood. I’ve been watching since season one, out of some misguided desire to be a part of the conversation, and I honestly have never understood its appeal. Like, I love that it’s gay and campy but overall the characters are so unlikable and uninteresting. This season, in particular, has been painful to watch. It’s like all the writers took a bunch of Adderall and were like, “OMG, and we should do a storyline about Iraq! Yeah, and then like have possessed demon fairies running around in S & M gear!” It just seems like they’re trying to shock us but you can only do that if you care about what’s going on, which I don’t. For some reason though, no one, myself included, will admit that the show is a total bore so we keep watching it. It’s like the vampires are glamouring the viewers!
5. The internet.
Look, obviously I’m cool with the Internet because I’m writing on it, but I don’t care to keep up with the 1,000 memes that are happening every day. I don’t care about this new video of a cat playing a guitar or have a desire to Instagram my food or make a playlist on Spotify. When it comes to the Internet, I’m a minimalist. I get in, scan my favorite website, check my email and get the hell out. I don’t even have Twitter. I just don’t use the internet in that way, in making it my alternative universe. I just want to have one life and that’s the one I lead offline. The more time I dedicate to developing an internet presence, the less my actual real presence becomes.