1. Via text message, because email is way too personal and emotional for you.
2. Throwing a brick through their window with “SORRY” written on it in blood.
3. Not doing anything, and waiting for them to just find out that you’re sleeping with someone else through the grapevine, like a true gentleman and scholar.
4. Hooking up with their sibling.
5. Mass email, so as to leave no stone unturned.
6. Skywriting. And make sure to put the little heart with the arrow through it at the end.
7. Waiting until you’ve hidden all of the good DVDs in the collection for yourself and then breaking the news before they have a chance to raid the apartment.
8. Face-to-face, with respect and maturity, conscient of what the two of you had together — LOL JK
9. By telling the most gossipy friend you have that it’s over, and letting nature run its course.
10. Becoming progressively more of an asshole until they are forced, through frustration and exhaustion, to break up with you. You get to be the good guy!
11. Moving to another state without warning.
12. Cry, and don’t stop crying until they leave the room permanently.
13. Tell them you don’t really get why people like The Wire so much.
14. Over the Jumbotron at their favorite team’s homegame — to be accompanied with that “EVERYBODY DANCE NOW” song.
15. Written in a note that is then baked inside some kind of elaborate chocolate dessert, à la an engagement ring.
16. Throwing all of their clothes out of the window which, I have to say, has always looked awesome.
17. Tell them your company is relocating you and then just… never move.
18. Take them to an expensive restaurant and break up with them over dinner. When they begin to make a scene — and oh, they will — retract your resignation, take them home, and sleep with them one last time. Then end it in the morning because, obviously.
19. Tell them you’re enrolling in a witness protection program and that you can’t get into the details because your very life depends on quietly running away like a little bitch.