Pros And Cons Of Childhood Halloween Candy

Victory Candy Cigarettes
Pro: Look like a boss
Con: Head shakes and eye rolls from strangers

Push Pop
Pro: Can be saved for later
Con: Leaves a layer of colored spittle on your finger

Ring Pop
Pro: Can pretend to be fancy and/ or the object of someone’s affection
Con: All airs of sophistication are tossed aside while eating due to drooling and accidental gnawing on plastic

Fun Dip
Pro: Enough sugar to last you three days
Con: Temptation to eat white, chalky sticks before finishing off the “fun dip” difficult to ignore

Bazooka Joe
Pro: Comics
Con: Loses flavor after ~3 seconds

Candy Buttons
Pro: Eating them takes so long that you feel a sense of accomplishment upon completion
Con: 25% of what you’re consuming is paper

Pro: Rewarding, chewable center
Con: Dangerous

Pro: Get to keep the dispenser as a souvenir
Con: Get to keep the dispenser as a souvenir

Pop Rocks
Pro: Classmates fawn over you when they’re in your mouth
Con: Head explodes if mixed with soda

Pro: Fun to crush and ingest via nasal cavity
Con: Size/ weight of individual Smarties always left you wanting more

Cow Tails
Pro: Creamy ass center
Con: Only seems appropriate after Little League baseball games

Tootsie Rolls
Pro: Universally accepted currency among classmates; the exciting event of coming across the flavored ones
Con: Become unacceptably hard after a certain period of time

Tootsie Pops
Pro: The special star you can find on the wrapper redeemable for a free Tootsie Pop
Con: The special star’s all hype — pretty sure it counts for nothing

Pro: Exciting
Con: The searing tongue pain

Pro: Incredibly exciting
Con: Elicits tears, makes your friends call you a wimp

Candy Corn
Pro: Creamy, delicious, succulent ass candy corn
Con: Classmates and friends mob you for it

Red Vines
Pro: Easy to share
Con: It’s licorice TC mark

image – Juushika Redgrave

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  • Kaity Wong

    This is utterly fantastic and so true.

  • Gregory Costa

    I agree with everything except the candy corn.  You can have my candy corn. 

  • Rishtopher

    Pro: Fun to crush and ingest via nasal cavity”

    Please tell me that is a joke… That sounds so painful.
    Also find it odd that Tootsie Rolls/Pops could be used as currency. To everyone I knew, they were the bane of our lives. Reese’s cups where like $1000 bills.

    • Rishtopher

      Oh I forgot to mention that I’m Canadian. Apparently, your “Smarties” are known to us as “Rockets”. Smarties, for us, are like M&M’s, but with a harder candy shell (think Reese’s Pieces). I guess snorting sugar powder seems marginally less painful/wrong than snorting chocolate and the (sharp) shards of their sugary shells…

      • animalcollective

        Teenage boys are idiots. I have a bunch of friends who will crush them up and snort them. Also pixie sticks.

  • animalcollective

    I found this strangely humorous.

  • elisabeth

    where the f is laffy taffy the only feasible con is banana

    • NoSexCity

      You ALWAYS get banana. Therefore, Laffy Taffy = all con.

  • Anonymous
  • Anonymous
  • Joanna

    I live in Africa. There is no candy corn here. It’s the worst thing, ever.

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