A Guide To College Drinking

Drinking at college is like an Olympic sport married with 1920s bootleg culture. There are relays, some illicit drugs, smuggling, you name it. Truth be told, I can barely remember what drinking in college was like – which means I was probably really good at it. Here’s what my memory has managed to preserve.

Get a fake ID (but don’t tell too many people about it)

You’ll want to have an ID for obvious reasons, but don’t strut around campus gloating about it unless you want to be the resident beer bitch for the next few years. People haven’t learned social graces yet, so someone you hardly know will have no problem ringing you up like clockwork every week and asking you to purchase their $6 bottle of pregame Popov.

Get creative

College is one of those places where indeed, you must fight for your right to party. One small battle is getting beer into the dorms. A friend of mine would use duct tape to affix a six-pack to his waist (he did this on our trips to the movies, but it would work in a dorm scenario as well). Another popular trick for sneaking beer into the dorms was The Gym Bag or The Pizza Box. Use whatever resources you have – you typically can’t carry a 30 rack past dorm security, so iMaGiNaTiOn ReQuiReD if you want to get drunk in your room.

Don’t let your guard down

Here’s a secret about getting drunk in a small room: after two hours, six people sounds like 18 people. You will get caught. Remember that episode of Saved by the Bell when Lisa sold her wardrobe out of a bank of lockers? They had a remote control that would shut the operation down whenever Mr. Belding walked by? That needs to be you, when you’re drinking in the dorms. Have an exit strategy and an excuse at all times.

Make friends who live off-campus

These people are your lifeline. Much of the anxiety associated with collegiate drinking is alleviated when you’re not under the watchful eye of campus security, your RA, and your socially inept, law abiding roommate.

Don’t fall asleep with your shoes on

You will get drawn on. No one is safe.

Take advantage of games

Play Edward Fortyhands. Play asshole. Play beer pong. Play kings or circle of death or whatever you guys call it. Play flip cup. Play that game where you brand each other with a burnt wine cork. Participate in that house crawl. Go to that off-campus keg festival and sign up for the three-legged race. Wrestle that midget in an inflatable pool full of KY Jelly. These games exist post-college, but your enthusiasm for them might not.

Don’t get too drunk

If any of the following occurs, you got too drunk: vomiting, peeing on yourself, blacking out, getting drawn on, drooling while conscious, fighting with someone you usually get along with, crying in public, falling and requiring medical attention, getting thrown out of a bar, getting arrested.

If you’re really drunk but haven’t crossed the line, feel free to do the following: eat at the diner, eat pretty much anywhere, hook up with someone you like, make a pound of Mac ‘n’ Cheese for your entire floor, spoon with a hot friend, invite someone to lovingly stroke your head, watch Biodome. TC mark

image – Greg Ma

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  • http://twitter.com/yvonne1503 yvonne

    “Vomiting… blacking out, crying in public, falling and requiring medical attention, getting thrown out of a bar, getting arrested.”
    Alright done all these in a night – best story for my future kids though

    • RH

      ‘wow’

  • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

    “make a pound of Mac ‘n’ Cheese for your entire floor”

    My high school alternative: disappear for an hour and come back with a crave case even though you are a vegetarian.

    • http://twitter.com/layzrr Matthew

      One time at the end of a night I found a recently run-over Crave Case in the middle of campus’s busiest thoroughfare.

      Needless to say, what was left of the burgers needed reheating.

  • http://FuncDegen.com FuncDegen

    “make a pound of Mac ‘n’ Cheese for your entire floor”
    -or just for yourself… either way.

    “If any of the following occurs, you got too drunk: vomiting, peeing on yourself, blacking out, getting drawn on, drooling while conscious, fighting with someone you usually get along with, crying in public, falling and requiring medical attention, getting thrown out of a bar, getting arrested.”
    -a.k.a. a completed section of my bucket list.

  • http://FuncDegen.com FuncDegen

    “make a pound of Mac ‘n’ Cheese for your entire floor”
    -or just for yourself… either way.

    “If any of the following occurs, you got too drunk: vomiting, peeing on yourself, blacking out, getting drawn on, drooling while conscious, fighting with someone you usually get along with, crying in public, falling and requiring medical attention, getting thrown out of a bar, getting arrested.”
    -a.k.a. a completed section of my bucket list.

  • http://FuncDegen.com FuncDegen

    “make a pound of Mac ‘n’ Cheese for your entire floor”
    -or just for yourself… either way.

    “If any of the following occurs, you got too drunk: vomiting, peeing on yourself, blacking out, getting drawn on, drooling while conscious, fighting with someone you usually get along with, crying in public, falling and requiring medical attention, getting thrown out of a bar, getting arrested.”
    -a.k.a. a completed section of my bucket list.

  • http://michaelynch.com Michael Lynch

    I remember using the old gym bag trick to bring a mini keg into the Trailer Park Boys movie. Ricky would have been proud.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    don’t remember doing any of this but it’s okay

  • stanford ftw

    this is totally irrelevant for some universities with open door policies.

  • Guestropod

    we could just walk freely about campus with a rack of beer

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=704016484 Joe Ott

    At the undergraduate institution I attended it was necessary to take measures like this in order to preserve your virgin accumulated disciplinary point stock and maintain a savvy relationship with those beings endowed with the function of providing the money for your future debachurous endeavors. Perhaps individuals at open door schools can not relate to these sorts of things, but it is really their loss, because the policies, or rather their violation, engenders a degree of trust between the newly freed college crop.

    My advice would be to maintain a working knowledge of the rule book, because, in the event of a violation, it is important to know for instance how the school defines knowing presence of illicit activity and other inchoate offenses. This knowledge saved me on at least 2 occasions, the latter of which involved whiskey, adderal, the police and my drawing large phallic symbols on the door of a girl I no longer liked.

    Charged with 3 times the requisite amount of points to be dismissed from the school, I was able to lower the amount of points received throughout the appeal stages by simply denying that some of the things that had occurred had, in fact, occurred, and alleging that the arresting RA had an unpardonable bias against me that resulted in her lodging significantly more offenses than we’re actually punishable.

    This worked only because the code required the person charged prove themselves out of the charges, rather than the school prove them into them, and because the standard for getting out of these charges was that it was more likely than not that the offense occurred. This code was obviously poor by design, and prone to numerous subtle manipulations, but the lesson is that simply reading the code gives you a leg up. So read it before you get caught, because, as the article seems to imply, you probably will. Don’t cite it to the arresting personal, they will find it annoying. Simply stipulate that you would like to submit a personal statement, and write one that denies the most serious and the less easily provable offenses, and you can get away with quite a lot.

    • Guesttt

      joe OTT, what a fitting name you have.

    • douchegirl

       “…involved whiskey, adderal, the police and my drawing large phallic symbols on the door of a girl I no longer liked.”
      When can we party?

  • Anonymous

    Asshole is such a great game to play no matter if you’re drinking or not. I’d never heard of that game before college. Thank god for college.

  • A.

    so glad i live in canada

  • Angie Kuhlmann

    Someone I know snuck a keg into the dorms by putting it in a mini-fridge box.

  • http://www.facebook.com/hannaraddness Hanna Nichole Mullins

    Watch bio-dome. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    biodome was unexpected

  • Jackie

    THIS IS MY LIFE. except i carry 32 packs into my room no problem. 

  • burt brady stepien

    lol this is so gay

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