Sex? So What.

A girl who is unimpressed with sex? Shocker. I don’t even have an interesting twist to it, as in that is just it: I’m a girl, and sex hasn’t lived up to its hype for me. It’s actually something that I attribute most of my relationship problems to, and I never thought I would desperately wish for sex to be like it is in eight-dollar romance novels. I would probably be a slut if I thought it would help—if somehow sex could just be so mind-blowing that I could do nothing but do it constantly, I might be able to sustain a healthy, mature, meaningful relationship longer than a year. But it doesn’t work like that (read: DAMMIT).

My first “official” encounter with the so-far sub-stellar wet blanket that is sex was the summer between sophomore year and junior year when I turned sixteen (standard exposure for a girl in this day and age). He was a going-nowhere derelict who had attracted me with his live fast, die young philosophy, but it was the most awkward, uncomfortable thing I’d ever put myself through, and I cut it short because it was just so awful. The next day at track practice, my sprinting spandex was coated in a cakey layer of half-dried blood. I consulted a promiscuous friend, who confirmed I did indeed break my cherry with that guy, who later went on to text me his intentions to break up after he had just dropped me off at my house. Junior year was all about feeling terrible for having given a part of myself to someone who could barely respect himself, and spurning the aggressive sexual advances of a crazy guy who thought he could get to my heart through my legs.

Senior year, I lost myself, and got back with my on-again, off-again high school boyfriend, and just decided that since my v-card wasn’t going to magically reappear, I wasn’t opposed to keeping a vestal appetite. One day, we were at his house alone watching hockey when he just randomly ripped his shirt off. The rest of the night went exactly as you can imagine, and the rest of the month went similarly, pregnancy scare and all. He even told his parents, and that was the end of them viewing me as his upstanding, over-achieving girlfriend. The summer lit us on fire and we burnt down slowly as we sprinted in opposite directions to college.

Past that, I’ve had very few hook ups that ended in an attempt at sex (we were too drunk, he mispronounced my name, it just got too awkward or quiet, I had a sudden moment of self-respect) but I did have two guys who I hooked up with regularly, one in a relationship context and the other in a “I’m a freshman, you’ve got a condom, yay” kind of setting, and sex with them was much different than in high school—the lead up and foreplay was incredibly potent and I would go into each situation expecting the sex to be even better. But it was just frustrating, embarrassing, and kind of tiring after a while, having a sweaty boy twisting and shoving at me for two to six of the longest minutes of my life as my turn on died with every laboured breath he’d use to whisper some creepy, rehearsed dirty line. Some days, we would be bored and start up a round for the hell of it, but I wouldn’t have the patience or will to concentrate on feeling good or pleasing him, and we would just roll away, tired and defeated, which was worse than being bored in the first place. These relationships died because I was slowly trained to dislike sex, then physical closeness with them at all, which fostered emotional detachment. It was like punching a hole in the bottom of a paper cup and watching it slowly spill all over the floor.

But this is mostly my fault—instead of being open and honest with them about my opinions/feelings/experiences and working with them to achieve something marginally more pleasurable…

I faked it. Every time.

Not once in my life have I had an orgasm, and I think I’ve clocked about 50 hours trying. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, considering 100% of those hours went towards trying to come during sex (I don’t do girl masturbating, I think it’s awkward and weird and not my job), but I definitely feel as though I have made a dedicated effort to try, at least on my side of things. After the initial slide in, which always felt good and full, sex just went downhill from there for me. I don’t know why—maybe it’s because I don’t jerk off and therefore have no idea how to please myself, much less direct a guy to do it for me or if, God forbid, I am just doomed never to feel the tidal wave big-O. My girlfriends tell me about the amazing sex they’ve had with their boyfriends and hookups, and I get to hear my roommates go at it every now and then just to feel even more alone—will I ever get to experience the amazing closeness good sex can bring? It’s sad that the question has devolved from “when?” to “will I ever?” because it’s really just been that flat and, at times, tedious.

It sucks even more because, discounting high school, I have been told that I’m amazing in bed. In a way, it’s almost understandable; I paid attention to my partner after the initial couple of minutes feeling hot and slowly wanting it to be over. I learned to sync rhythm and speed, all with a cute pout and a sexy, borderline-slutty moan. A boyfriend once actually told me that watching me come was the hottest thing he’d ever seen. It was sad because not only was it all a show to speed things along, but he was comparing me to all the girls he’d watched on his computer when I turned down an invite to sleep over to study. I’ll never be as tan or as busty or as airbrushed-smooth as the girls in the videos, but I’m real, I hope that counts for something. And if I could just find someone who can change all of this, who can make me scream for real and feel so fucking good I want to explode until I finally do, I might have a shot at something real, too. But I’m still trapped in the mute hell of mediocrity.

I’ve discussed these problems with my girl friends, and it was suggested that I should sleep around more. Statistically, it makes sense, but part of sex to me is experiencing something with someone you care about. That’s not to say that all sex should be slow and gentle with candles and chill music—in fact, it’s the sex that is more like straight primal fucking that intrigues me most—but if you can do it with anyone, it’s not special. And sex can be special whether you’re screwing like horny rabbits in a grease pit or making love to Barry White tunes, so long as you’ve got something with the one you’re sharing it with. I think that’s what I want the most: to just be almost unable to deal with how amazing the sex is, then to look up in his eyes, knowing that he’s doing this to me, and there isn’t a thing in the universe that matters outside the little world we’ve made here, and there isn’t a single person I would want to make me feel like this, not a single name I’d rather call out when I do—finally—come.

Until then… sex? So what. TC mark

image – The Brown Bunny

January Nelson

January Nelson is a writer, editor, dreamer, and occasional exotic dancer. Her work has appeared on Facebook, ...

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  • nickmendez

    “I don’t do girl masturbating, I think it’s awkward and weird and not my job.”

    Well there's your problem.

    • Kelsey

      i stopped reading after you said you don't masturbate. girl, it IS your job. how do you think a person will figure out what you like if you haven't even done that for yourself? besides, sometimes it's better than sex anyway; if you practice enough you can get off every time and voila, boy problems dissolved.

  • http://twitter.com/darkheadlights Erin B.

    This was annoying to read.

  • Drea

    you should have sex with someone you care about that cares about you too. doesn't even have to be a boyfriend. as long as you trust them.

    oh yeah. you need to masturbate too.

  • chelseafagan

    “I don’t do girl masturbating, I think it’s awkward and weird and not my job.”

    What what whaaaaaat!?

    This is insane. This is truly madness.

    I don't think you're ever going to enjoy sex with another person until you can enjoy it with yourself…until you figure out what you like and don't like and know what everything is SUPPOSED to feel like. And I contest the fact that something can even be considered “awkward” if you're the only one present for it…even if you did something truly awkward, like poop yourself in your sleep or something, if you're the only one there…tree falls in the forest kinda thing, you know?

    Anyway, your friends are idiots, don't sleep around more. In fact, don't eat, sleep, or breathe again until you've had several hot, dirty, sweaty sex sessions with yourself.

    Now. YOU'RE WASTING PRECIOUS TIME.

    • http://twitter.com/anthrobber Dinelle Lucchesi

      It's like the problem is just glaring at us from the start of this article. She thinks touching her own body is awkward so how the hell does she expect somebody else to be amazing at touching her?

    • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

      I thought she meant girlmasturbating as in performing it for the guy? Obviously no one could be so silly to call masturbating alone awkward (right?!).

  • Lea

    You need a little self-lovin'.

    Use those hands, girl

  • http://profiles.google.com/mcblaloc Meghan Blalock

    Oh honey. “I don’t do girl masturbating, I think it’s awkward and weird and not my job.” There's the core of all your problems right there. If you can't make yourself come, no one else will ever be able to.

    I would recommend seeing a therapist or reading some books or finding someone you can trust to talk to about why you think masturbation is “awkward and weird.” Re: it being your “job,” your diction here reveals a lot. You view it as an obligation, and not only that, but one that someone else has to you and that you do not have to yourself. Sexual pleasure is not an obligation but a privilege. Until you see yourself as someone who deserves all the wonderful things you clearly want from sex, including orgasms, you will not get said things.

  • http://twitter.com/srslydrew Andrew F.

    In many ways, I agree. Sex in general is overrated, hooking up takes away the best part of sex (emotional intimacy), and the cliches people are full of going into sex can render the whole act pointless.

    Sexual hang ups are the pits. I hope you find somebody who helps you feel something real.

  • Twentysomeodd

    buy a vibrator.

  • http://twitter.com/dcmjs Matt Stevenson

    Such a shame darling. Hope you figure out your issue. In the meantime, you're not helping anybody by faking it.

    • chelseafagan

      True that. You know who faking it really fucks things up for? HIS NEXT GIRLFRIEND. You know, the one that is made to feel like a robot because she can't orgasm from three awkward minutes of rabbit thrusting when “all his other girlfriends came that way.”

      I can't even.

  • Lindsay

    Ummm….yeah. What the others said. Girl, until you start masturbating and know how to make yourself have an orgasm, you won't be able to do it with any guy. Trust us on this one. There is nothing dirty or wrong about masturbation and frankly, it IS your job to know how to make yourself feel good.

  • Ger

    no shit you've never orgasmed if you haven't masturbated. i thought this was common knowledge.

  • Tanesha Shireman

    It's kind of like fucking duh that you're not enjoying sex when you've got that attitude. Yeah, at first sex sucks, losing my v-card almost made me not want to have sex anymore. Sex is all what you make of it, and from what I'm hearing you're not making much of it at all. My advice? 1) Don't sleep around, obviously that's not going to solve your problem. 2) Get over yourself and get a dildo or something, you can't expect someone else to please you when you're not willing to please yourself. The only way you're going to know what needs to be done during sex is if you experiment with yourself. 3) Stop faking it. Seriously. Stop. and finally 4) Get the stick outta your ass. It might help.

  • anon

    I've got the cure….https://thoughtcatalog.com/2011

  • Alli

    it's weird & awkward at first – for alot of ppl – i was married 10yrs to a guy who was a sex fiend & never enjoyed sex until after – i decided i was tired of not knowing what all the fuss was & started exploring myself – get a bullet & explore – i promise you, just do it when u'r bored & eventually u'll get urself started & then later, when a guy starts doing something right, u'll reach it with him too. TRUST ME!! i had 2kids before i knew about good sex.. and now i have mind blowing sex – with or without a man – just do it!!

  • http://profiles.google.com/mcblaloc Meghan Blalock

    Oh and PS get a vibrator. Not a dildo, a vibrator. Just a little bullet one that costs like $20. Put it on your clit, not inside you, and you won't even have to do anything and hopefully soon you'll be coming whether you want to or not. :)

  • lexie

    “because it’s really just been that flat and, at times, tedious.”

    I was seriously beginning to think I was one of the only ones who felt this way.

  • heydooley

    Ohhh girl. Gotta learn how to get yourself off. Once you have an orgasm you'll be so much more motivated to have one when someone else is there. AND be more comfortable touching yourself during sex, which is something that most women need, as the majority don't get off without clitoral stimulation. And even if your dude is trying, how do you know whether he's doing it right?

    Anyway, guys go nuts for that stuff. I've had several guys ask me to just get myself off in front of them because they think it's so hot. And so will you. Because you'll have seen what you've been missing.

    If you're with a good partner, they'll be concerned for your pleasure as well as their own, so it's always good to be able to give them some direction.

    And on a sappy note, if you ARE with a boyfriend and you can come with him, it will be that much more incredible and you'll feel a closeness and intimacy with that person that you haven't felt before. And I say that as someone who only recently for the first time orgasmed during sex. And I'm in my mid-twenties. And I get myself off, like, every day. So. Don't think everything's all over for you. I assume if text message break-ups existed when you were in high school, you're not that old.

    Lastly, DON'T EVER FAKE. Not only are you doing yourself a disservice, you are also doing your partner a disservice, and all of his future sexual partners. Do it for yourself. Do it for your fellow females.

    Best of luck!

  • http://twitter.com/cmyungtweet C M Yung

    “I don’t know why—maybe it’s because I don’t jerk off and therefore have no idea how to please myself, much less direct a guy to do it for me” – That's your problem, girlfriend.

    The poor guys don't know if it should be harder, slower, faster, etc because you're just fake moaning the whole time. You need to know what an orgasm feels like, and what it takes to get you to come! Do it yourself. (Be creative if you need to be: my first O was with a shower head). Dan Savage said it best in one of his podcasts: guys masturbate all the time, so they know what angles, how much pressure, etc. When they're with a girl, they're moving around until it feels good to them. You need to be selfish like that.

    Just in case this isn't common knowledge: Most girls don't orgasm from sex alone—there usually needs to be some clitoral stimulation in there. Maybe you only come when he goes down on you, maybe he has to rub you while he's penetrating to get you to reach the Big O… but you'll figure it out.

    • heydooley

      Oooo that reminds me (good point C M!!) start listening to Dan Savage's podcast (the Savage LoveCast). Changed my life. Really opened my mind and made me much more comfortable/less judgmental with my own (and other peoples!) sexuality.

  • http://anthrob.tumblr.com Anthrob

    You seem to like it when men enjoy watching you during sex. In my experience one of the things that gets men going more than anything is seeing you touching your clit while he is inside you to get yourself off. I don't know where you got the impression that anyone has a “job” during sex but that sounds pretty uptight and you can't enjoy sex if you are too uptight.

  • Ugh

    You sound insufferable…

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    Is this a common occurrence, the fact that men don't seem to be able to last very long and/or are not proficient at the arts of lovemaking? Damn, sucks bro. I have the opposite problem. I can't nut in less than 20 minutes, if the girl is on top, if I'm getting head (Ok, head is 50/50), and if I had a lot to drink, forget it, my boner is never going down. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be at this extreme end of the spectrum than the other, but a middle area would be nice too.

    And shit how do you not enjoy masturbation? I thought that was like the universal thread in the human experience. Cuz not everyone gets laid in their lifetime. But I'll bet anything that even the pope has jerked off.

    • Alli

      haha – where do YOU live? ;0)

      • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

        As of now New Jersey, but soon to be the mountains. Sorry :(

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    yup, as everyone else said.. masturbate. duh.

  • xra

    how big of a deal do you think you are girl?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506705809 Michael Wilson

    I can just imagine how many guys will read this and say to themselves, “I can totally please this girl!” Unbeknownst to them, one of them is a past lover.

    I've had several friends that tell me how bad their sex is, one specifically, told me she didn't enjoy sex AT ALL until she met this one boy-toy (they're not really dating, just hanging out and screwing). He's got depression and I can't remember specifically what the exact reason was (medication or condition), but he can't come, so she just gets to keep going and do what she wants and he can last as long as she needs him to. I think they've since figured it out and he can finish now, but maybe you just need to find a depressed or broken individual and fuck his brains out? My last ex told a mutual friend that I was good at sex, disregarding she still broke up with me – it's still nice to know I could still get her off.

  • http://twitter.com/dcmjs Matt Stevenson

    is anyone else hearing the lesbian alarm going off full-blast right now? I wonder if she's explored that route.

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