We have changed. We have grown apart. We have done things with other people that we swore we would do together. We had promises to each other that we fulfilled to new people. We chose not to fix what we know was broken because we gave in to the idea that everything is meant to fade. We went on with our lives holding fragments of each other. We tried searching for each other in every new and available person that comes our way, for we thought that there was a replacement meant to arrive. But geez, how can we replace something as genuine as this? Or rather, as genuine as what we had.
If someone told me 5 years ago that everything him and I have been through wouldn’t matter now, I would’ve laugh. I’d say that’s hilarious. I’d say that no, him and I will always be relevant. I’d say that no matter how much our world would change, him and I will always stick to what we do best; having each other’s backs. You see many people have come our way.
We have loved and have been loved. We have had people and have lost them. We have been on top and on rock bottom. Through all these, we knew we could tell each other everything. It was very comforting. It felt safe and nice to have a person. That maybe someday he’d have a girl and I’d have a guy, but still, he was my person and it was as simple as that. We didn’t care who was around or who would arrive. I thought at our best moments that this is the kind of feeling I want for the rest of my life. We didn’t have to be together for me to want to have you as a constant. We didn’t have to be together for me to love you. I have loved every triumphant moment, every sobbing and falling apart on the floor, every immature antic, every sweet smile, every innocent hug, every annoying persona, and even this person I have met the other day who apparently is the you now.
When you left everything behind, I wanted to erase every memory I had of you in my heart and in my head. When you refused to take my hand when I was trying to reach where you are, I wanted to forget how it felt every time we’d catch each other through every downfall. I wanted to blame the world for its dire need of change. I blamed myself for being insufficient. I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to get mad. I wanted to fight and I did. I did hard. I did despite how stupid I seemed because in my head, you’re my person. I can’t let you slip away. I guess my mistake was that I thought I was yours too.
Since then, I have heard stories about you. I would lie if I’d say I was happy about the things I’ve heard. At times, I would feel the need to find you, hug you, and tell you everything’s going to be okay because I’m here. But there came a point where I got tired. I realized I was worth staying for. I was worth choosing. You didn’t choose me. So, I chose myself and just prayed hard to God that He guides you because, you are so dear to me even if you are such an asshole.
Through all these months that have passed, my heart always whispered a wish to God pertaining to you. I would wish that you wouldn’t waste your life and your abilities because you are magnificent. I’d always see you as someone great despite the reckless choices you have made. I’d tell God that no matter where you are now, I hope you’d always find it in you to get back up and see your greatness. Through this selfless acts that I didn’t know I was capable of doing because of the pain you’ve caused, I realized that I’ll always care for you. I’ll always care and I always will.
So to you, I doubt you’d get to read this but, I’ll always care. It sucks that people have replaced me in your life. It sucks that I’m not your go to person anymore. It sucks that I have to pretend I don’t know what’s going on with your life. It sucks to control myself from sitting beside you or talking to you. But, in my heart, I’ll always look after you. I’ll always wish you are around good people who would love you the way I do. I’ll always pray to God about you. I’ll always strive to remember my positive vision of you every time I hear you doing something iffy. The idea that you’ll never be my person again still hurts every bone in my body. But I guess I have to stop thinking about how I envision us to be and accept what our reality is now.
To the person you were, you are the sweetest and most addictive memory of all.
To the person you are now, you are a stinging proof of uncontrollable change.
To the beautiful person that you are, keep your head up. Someone will always care about you even from afar. That person is me.