There are men who are asleep to the fact they have any work to do.
Then there are men who become awake to it and think “Holy fuck, I have to learn to navigate my wounds, beliefs, emotions and triggers. There is so much here!”
These men are in the kindergarten of emotional intelligence.
I am over these ones.
I mean at some points it was cool, because I had so much to share and that meant I was also often in control and able to be less vulnerable — oh yeah, that’s a thing.
When you date these men they are like puppies and constantly pee everywhere, not to hurt you or piss you off of course–but because they are still becoming acquainted with themselves.
This can be cute and exhausting and gratifying but is still a lot of work.
If you’re going to date the second category get ready to hold a lot of space. And it’s great–because they are aware they need to do “the work” and are also willing, but if you’ve been doing your work for a decade you end up being more of the supporter, and teacher and not being met by someone with the same tools–this get’s old.
They will probably get it, and maybe turn into a great partner but woman, get ready to roll your fucking sleeves up.
I had a conversation with a man in my life a few months ago—category 3 so far, you following?
I asked him what he was stepping into and working on.
I was blown away by his answer.
What he said but didn’t say was, “Hey, I woke up, and then I enrolled in emotional intelligence kindergarten, and then I graduated emotional intelligence kindergarten and then I did a few decades of my work. I have a relative grip over my shit. I am stilling learning, and humble in that, but I am showing up in this world knowing I have gone inside and worked and now I am free to dream and think grandiose and beautiful ideas and step deeper into who I am.”
I let out the biggest sigh of relief.
He didn’t need to have any space held for him, he was standing on both feet.
He wasn’t going to eat my shoe and refuse that he had eaten the shoe for 4 hours and then finally realize he had eaten the shoe and apologize and want to snuggle.
Category 3 are the men and humans that when we meet them after doing 10 years of punching pillows and looking at our wounds and having tea with them and staring into strangers eyes becoming comfortable with intimacy and hours and hours and hours of work–can meet us and understand our languages, and our grip on ourselves.
It is someone who is more or a less equal to the path that we are on and have stepping into so far in our work.
This isn’t meant to be a condescending piece–but I am sure a bunch of you will freak out.
So before you call me a enlightened asshole (I really hate those people and write lots of funny poems about them. They usually hang out in vegan cafes talking about how evolved they are), the reality is–this world is ASLEEP to emotional intelligence.
That isn’t a condescending thing—it’s a FACT.
We learn the wrong shit in schools, and if you know a lot of people doing the work–it’s because you’re in about a 5% group of people probably on the west coast in California hanging out around each other.
The rest of this world has no fucking clue.
This is actuality of what it means to exist in a world where a lot of people don’t even know what a belief system is–who haven’t delved into their work and wounds.
And then you try and date them.
And then realize 6 months in when they are triggered (but they won’t know they are triggered because they don’t even know what a trigger is) and you get flipped on your hearts ass that you wish you choose a man and not a puppy and not someone still asleep that their is even “work” to do.
We are all constantly in our own versions of growth, expansion and back at square one–but there are people who are in those first steps of even knowing there is a square one and you are not always a match romantically.
Grade 1 and Grade 10 are different levels y’all–that’s common sense.
We learn different shit as we evolve.
I am a work in process but I have a strong grip on my emotions. I have emotional intelligence and I sure as fuck want a partner who also does.
If you read my last post and objected because you’ve had a partner you learnt a lot from who was
2) a puppy
Fucking awesome–good for you. Me too. Lots of learning.
Lost lots of shoes and threw out a lot of rugs with pee on them.
And now I am ready to be met with someone whose like,
“Love languages? I read that when I was 10. Loving touch and acts of service. When I am doing long distance–words of affirmation.
Attached? I used to be avoidant, because my father was avoidant and I experienced his withdrawing in his relationship and adopted it as my own. I’ve done a lot of work on now showing up and holding space as a secure partner, even when I want to withdraw. I am able to acknowledge when it happens and stop myself because I know it is a trigger from my past.”
And then we can drink coffee and work on other things together–and fuck up and fall down and fall in love, but know that we are beginning with some awareness about who the fuck we are, where we came from, our wounds and how we operate in intimacy.
Fuck yeah, I choose a man whose graduated from emotional kindergarten and who has begun and is in “his work.”