It’s that time of year: Somehow, everyone and their dog has landed a paid internship with NASA over the summer. If you’re like me, your plan is of the “part-time student and volunteer” variety. You have some research experience, but you don’t wake up sweating in the middle of the night because someone, somewhere, is getting ahead in YOUR field. The next time a walking cover letter asks how you plan to stay productive this summer, tell them you plan to…
1. Grow your fingernails.
If you’re a girl, you can finally do those manicures involving toothpicks and sponges. If you’re a guy, you can finally attract a mate with incredible back scratches.
2. Eat an entire watermelon.
Chances are, you’ve never had the opportunity to eat as much watermelon as you want. That’s because innate social norms limit us to four, maybe five slices per sitting. Whether you’re a barbarian who adds salt or a PBR drinker who eats the seeds, the time is now. The productive part: watermelon maybe helps to prevent cancer.
3. Become a movie extra.
Why, no, I haven’t thought about starting a $401K. POTC 5, on the other hand…
4. Get to know your mailman/woman.
How many times has this person delivered the lingerie catalogues and Pizza Hut coupons you’ve come to rely on? It’s time you sent them off with some appreciation along with your weekly Angelina Jolie fan letter.
5. Cover penis graffiti.
If you’re returning to old haunts this summer, your cognitive map includes the location of every tasteless, balloon-animal-looking penis Sharpied onto nearby playgrounds. Maybe you’re responsible for a few of them. But don’t think of it as concealing the past – think of it as paving the way for future generations of balloon-animal-penis graffiti.
6. Write an instruction manual for your future SO.
What could be more productive than skipping months of trial-and-error frustration? They’ll thank you for having a flowchart to consult when you mope over the death of a book character/nearly fracture a vertebrae scrutinizing your bum for cellulite. If you’re already in a shaky relationship, consider writing an instruction manual to your SO’s future SO. If you’re in a solid relationship…I don’t know, make out more often.
7. Learn common bird calls.
When summer is over and the same person is describing their four-week romp in New Orleans under the guise of civil engineering, interrupt them to point out the nearby song of a Baltimore Oriole.