Everyone loves that quirky femme fatale from (insert John Green novel/indie film here).
You freeze-frame the DVD to get a closer look at the vintage outfit she supposedly had laying around. You chant her monologues to herself in the hopes that her quirkiness, her cryptic one-liners and distressed combat boots, will soak into your pores overnight like the personality equivalent of Neutrogena.
Can anyone tell? Absolutely.
1. Alaska Young
The wet dream of every bookworm with a penis. And, really, what’s not to love? She makes candle volcanoes. She drinks wine – and she’s not supposed to! Being drop-dead gorgeous, Alaska disapproves of makeup; being skinny but somehow large-chested, she’s a feminist to boot.
Because John Green’s put so many death-flirtatious words in her mouth, you’ve forgotten that Alaska is…well, ‘popular.’ She’s a rule-breaking social butterfly, and throughout the novel she does her very best to protect this title. Imagine a straight-edge Alaska Young with a common name like Patricia or Karen. Truth: you can’t, because that’s not Alaska Young. That’s the girl you think you maybe borrowed a pencil from in eighth grade.
2. Ramona Flowers
When you went to BoRics and asked for blue/green/pink streaks in your hair, this is the girl whose grainy photo you showed to the stylist. “Edgy,” you said, and two weeks later the dye was fading from your edgy little head.
The appeal here, I think, is in the silence. She doesn’t have to say much because she’s Ramona goddamn Flowers. When she does speak, it’s in a low voice that might be sexy or something. In the end Michael Cera reveals her commitment problems, but it’s still edgy because, hey, she had an abusive boyfriend.
(Did anyone watching “Scott Pilgrim VS the World” outside of the U.S. mentally chalk her up a few points for being American? I’m a native myself; just curious.)
3. Clementine Kruczynski
This woman also inspired a trip to BoRics, but you had no earthly idea how to explain what you wanted.
Then Clementine had you glorifying the “psycho bitch” thing. She made it look interesting. With lines like “I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped because that’s what happens with me,” you almost *had* to paraphrase them. “I wouldn’t get too close to me,” you told that guy at Warped Tour. “I’ll get bored. That’s what always happens.”
I do give a nod to Kate Winslet – or the casting director, whoever – for ruling out the whole “lanky” (aka malnourished) look. Clementine clearly has a few Oreos under her belt, and as the girl who leaves no stone unturned, she’s able to pull this off. You might remember Knives from ‘Scott Pilgrim’ throwing the word “fat” at Ramona Flowers, but she wasn’t. At all. Because edgy girls are too edgy to think about food, ever.
4. Cassie or Effy from “Skins”
Again with the malnourishment. In lieu of eating lunch, you made a panicked face and told your friends you weren’t hungry while they queued up at Sbarro’s. Maybe you sighed tragically. Maybe you pretended to zone out while the smell of mozzarella kissed your nose hairs. Either way, your friends were a let-down because they didn’t jump to the conclusion that you were anorexic; or, more likely, they knew you playacting Cassie from the Brit-show “Skins” and rolled their eyes when you weren’t looking.
Now, I’m positive that the Skins producers wired John Green’s house for the name of Effy. “But we need a name, Phil,” I imagine a woman in a headset saying to a man in a headset. “We need something really unusual. Something for those Sixteen & Pregnant babies.”
One of my closest friends is constantly asking herself WWED. There should be a hotline for this kind of thing, or at least a “Get help” ad of a white girl in fetal position. She could even be the poster child.
5. Zooey Deschanel
No one wears that many sundresses while drinking that much tea. AIN’T NOBODY.