Why I Learned To Forgive Myself Instead Of Blaming You

 Anastasia Vârlan
Anastasia Vârlan

I have learnt to forgive myself instead of blaming you. No I don’t hate you either. I love you too much to hate you, I love you too much to be mad at you.

All those times I thought I was mad at you, I was actually mad at myself. I remember the time where I begged you to stay, you told me you couldn’t. I held you so tight and hope somehow that will make you stay.

I thought I was mad at you, but I was mad at myself that nothing I say or do could make you want to stay. That I couldn’t give you a good enough reason to stay.

I remember the time where I run to your house unknowingly, crying at your doorstep hoping you would open the door once again but you told me to go home.

I thought I was mad at you but I was mad at myself for being emotionally attached, so clingy, so weak. I remember the period where I could never put my phone down no matter where I was, in hope you would finally call me and tell me how you made a mistake.

I thought I was mad at you when the call never came, but I was mad at myself for still having expectations from you.

I remember the time where I would tell my best friends about how you broke my heart and they would put you down and I would jump without hesitation to your defense.

I thought I was mad at you, but I was mad at myself for thinking I wasn’t good enough for you, that I was the inadequate one. That I was the one who let you down. All in all, I was mad at myself for being so embarrassingly weak. Mad at myself for loving you with all I have, loving you blindly, loving you too much that I put my best friends’ good intentions second place and you, first place.

Not today. I finally woke up from my foolish slumber and learnt to forgive myself. I forgave myself for being foolish, I forgave myself for letting you hurt me over and over again.

I forgave myself for thinking I wasn’t enough for you.It wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough, you just didn’t love me enough.

It wasn’t that I didn’t try my best, you just didn’t love me enough.

It wasn’t that I did wrong, you just didn’t love me enough.

It wasn’t that I was too clingy, you just didn’t love me enough.

But it isn’t your fault, despite what I’ve said – not at all. You just didn’t love me enough.

And that’s not your fault. It’s my fault for thinking you did. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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