The Pain And Embarrassment Of Not Getting An ‘I Love You’ Back

Flickr / sunlight cardigan
Flickr / sunlight cardigan

You’re rolling around in bed just doing your thing with your boo, not thinking about anything else going on in the World. He grabs you from behind and hugs you like he will never let you go. You can’t stop smiling and giggling because you feel more than happiness, you feel loved. You would love it if the dorky eskimo kisses, hand holding and intense eye contact could continue on for forever. Suddenly, you think to yourself, Is this love? We are sharing intimate and unnecessary affection so it must mean something right?

You feel as though you two are more than just a fling and that this could be going somewhere. The sad thing is, is that you’re so caught up in the moment that you forget to protect your feelings and forget about the possibility of rejection. Receiving affection and attention from a whole other being is one of the most exhilarating and overwhelmingly pleasant feelings you get to experience. Remember when you were in middle school and your crush finally passed you a note in class telling you that he thinks you’re cute? Well, it’s similar to that feeling but times a kajillion-billion more intense.

Feeling like you’re falling for someone can be the most exciting but also the most terrifying experience you could ever go through. You’re so caught up in your delusional happiness that in those moments, you can’t even attempt to interpret what the other person may or may not be feeling because your judgment is clouded with temporary infatuation. It’s unfortunate that we aren’t mind readers because you don’t know if the other person will reciprocate the same feelings and emotions. What do you do or say when you know you are falling head over heels for someone? You want to experience the moment and so you decide to grow a pair and somehow figure out a plan to get yourself the fairytale ending that you deserve. You let your guard down and allow yourself to become vulnerable and susceptible to pain because you just want to continue feeling what you have been feeling all day in bed; loved.

You’re not sure how to proceed but you are more than willing to invest the time, effort and the possibility of having your heart broken into a million places due to a huge let down. You established your feelings but sometimes those feelings can be misguided and painfully misjudged. So what happens when “I love you” slips out of your giggling mouth while you are rolling around in bed with your lover? Well, I can tell you that there are two plausible scenarios. Either they longingly stare into your soul and reciprocate those same feelings that you have been longing to feel and hear or, what actually happens or at least what happened to me; they freeze and don’t say anything.

Saying “I love you” to another human being who you have acquired and chosen to love isn’t easy. It’s not like saying it to your parents, friends or pets. You cultivated an actual emotion that you have formed for essentially, a complete stranger. You beat yourself up because you feel as though you have convinced yourself that you were in love with this person and in some way, you feel manipulated and used by him and your own subconscious. I think we all know that it sucks to feel abandoned, unwanted, damaged, and worst of all; unloved.

Even though I didn’t mean for those words to come out, it doesn’t mean I didn’t want it to happen or that I didn’t really feel that way. Well, now after the fact I definitely wish it didn’t happen but it did and no response at all is worse than any other possible response I could’ve prepared for. Like, what’s up with that? It takes courageous people to put themselves out there in the unknown and mentally prepare for the possible negative outcomes. I took an accidental chance to follow my misguided heart and instincts but only to be left heartbroken and embarrassed based on my misinterpretations and false revelation.

One moment you were encaptured by affection and attention and the next, you are left out in the cold without a cuddle buddy. You think to yourself, “Did he and will he ever love me? Why did I feel like I was in love? Were we not on the same page? Damn, I hate having feelings!”

You bombard yourself with a million questions and go over every detail, every look that was exchanged, and any possible misleading conversation that you had. Trust me, there is no use in torturing yourself by trying to understand where and when your feelings got side railed. The answer maybe more simple than what I would like to admit: he doesn’t love me. I honestly don’t know to this day and I don’t really want to know because I thought I was special and I wanted to be for him what he was for me. We can’t control other people but we can control ourselves and what goes on in our lives. All I can say is that if you went through the same traumatizing ordeal, at least we’re not scared bitches and we did put ourselves out there. Speaking on the behalf of all the rejected love and heartbroken individuals out there, one day we will get the “I love you” that we have been waiting for and deserve. We took this huge risk in this confusing game of love by sacrificing our feelings, emotions and now, broken heart. But, one day this momentary feeling of disappointment and true sadness will subside because we deserve to be deliriously happy while rolling in bed with someone who can’t and won’t stop returning our love and affection. TC mark

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