I Hope You Find The Happiness You Never Found In Me

girl on a balcony
Jacob Rank

It’s raining again. I talked to my class about chemicals and its reacting phases. We talked about how fun they’ve spent their Christmas and New Year just a few days ago. They told me about their 2018 resolutions and asked what’s mine. They told me things because they knew that the rain always bothered me and it keeps reminding me of memories. Sometimes it’s random, most of the time it’s haunting.

It’s funny how people tell me that I am your home when it is never actually that way. I thought at once that maybe it’s a good thing. People seeing us coming back always at each other despite everything. But no, not even once.

I was never your home only your shelter. The kind one you come into because it is the most convenient. Although I see it that way, I pretend I don’t because I am trying to understand you. I believe that deep inside both of us, is a line of friendship telling us to save one from loneliness.

You are always the one leaving yet I am the one saving you from loneliness. And it’s consuming me.

If I was your home, then why don’t you come home when you’re happy? If I was your home, why do you have to find another place to stay? If I was your home, why do you only come home when you want to? Truth be told, because you know that I will always be there for you when nobody else will. And we both know that it can’t always be that way.

Because things don’t work in a one way street.

It’s New Year, and it’s time for another 365 brand new days to spend. I will always remember you in ways nobody else will. Like how you always tell me, to live no matter what people say. Thank you for everything. I wouldn’t be brave to face everyone if it’s not because of you. I wouldn’t be as strong as today if not because of what we’ve gone through.

I guess this is it, four years ago, you are my new beginning, and today, that beginning already came to its end. I’m doing this not just for you or me but for everyone involved. They’ve been tired of us. To our kind of love that was never brave to take the risk. And they understood everything for us.

To the greatest love that I had, thank you for all the lessons learned.

Thank you for giving me good days to remember. I have already done my part. And my heart is scared that if I don’t stop loving you right now, I couldn’t give the love my next partner deserves. It’s time for me to let you go. To let the idea of ‘us’ go.

I hope you will truly find the happiness that you never found in me. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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