When a breakup occurs (and love hurts), many women unknowingly take a misguided approach toward getting over their ex. Instead of opening up to love, this approach causes them to guard their hearts, trying to avoid being hurt again.
If you can relate, chances are, you’re unintentionally doing these same things and it’s blocking you from finding the healthy love you desire (and deserve).
So, what are the 10 entirely useless ways to get over a breakup? I’ll list them below. These are, mostly, learned behaviors and you may not understand why they aren’t working for you.
You’ve maybe experienced temporary relief from these methods. But if you want true healing for yourself, you’ll want to stop doing these things immediately:
1. Distracting yourself by keeping busy with work, activities or exercise.
Distractions keep you from processing painful emotions buried inside of you. When these emotions are left inside, they fester and cause you to build walls.
2. Dating (or having sex with) new people when you’re not ready.
How to know if you’re not ready or don’t feel like meeting new people and dating? Time with them feels like going through the motions … very, meh. You won’t feel excited or hopeful about your dating. It feels empty. Forced.
3. Wishing things were different.
Denying the truth of what is keeps you clinging onto the very thing that’s causing your heartache. What you resist, persists — wishing things were different continues the “cycle of pain.”
4. Numbing out with alcohol, smoking, or sex.
Substances may numb your pain in the moment, but they ultimately just help you avoid reality. The afterglow of numbing out is soon replaced by sadness, disappointment, anger, frustration, doubt, etc. The feelings always come back until you address them head on.
5. Crying, crying and more crying.
True crying is an effective way to release emotions that are bringing you down. However, if you can’t seem to stop crying, that’s a sign you’re carrying emotional baggage that you must release.
6. Going on a self-help book binge.
Reading books, listening to podcasts with the good intention of putting the teachings into practice is difficult. The demands of everyday life keep you from practicing the advice you’ve read. There is no instant gratification fix for how you’re feeling. You’ll feel better faster when you’re expectations are realistic.
7. Talking about it with friends (over and over).
Commiserating and talking with friends actually does more harm than good, especially when they have an unhealthy bias about love, if they are not in a good place in their own love life, or they don’t have your best interest at heart. Even having conversations with friends who ARE in a good place can jeopardize your friendship because they soon feel exhausted by conversations that ultimately go nowhere.
8. Faking it ’til you make it.
It may seem like you’re coming across as open and positive when you’re putting yourself out there. But if the hurt energy is still trapped inside you, it quickly overrides the act you’re putting on. In other words, how you truly feel (sad, unworthy, etc.) soon starts shining through.
9. Constantly “going within” by praying, meditating, journaling.
Changing at a deeper level is difficult because it’s hard to see yourself clearly. Doing it on your own often feels overwhelming and discouraging when you’re unaware of your unhealthy habits and patterns, and how they cause you to show up in love.
10. Trying to forgive your ex and yourself prematurely.
Forgiveness requires compassion, and not being OK with what’s happened and what “is” isn’t conducive to authentically forgiving your ex or yourself. If you’re not in a good place, don’t force forgiveness.
I believe everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment, even when it doesn’t seem like it. If you’re feeling bad about yourself because you’ve resorted to one of the 10 behaviors above, please be compassionate with yourself. Remember, you’ve been doing the best you can.
The good news is you now have a greater awareness about the approach you may have been taking. With this awareness, you can now do things differently to release the disappointment, sadness, anger or grief within your heart. What’s your big takeaway from this article?