So you’ve decided to ignore my advice about dating feminist men and you are okay with shitty sex and kinda really like the whole no accountability and no consequences deal, and you are wondering if perhaps your feminist boyfriend might make a pretty terrific feminist husband and father for whatever children you give birth to. No need to make sure the children are biologically his, because a true feminist understands that infidelity and paternity fraud are just a bit of fair play after centuries of abuse and oppression. He will focus all his energies and efforts on the little ones, and that really should give you pause. Here are 9 reasons you do not want a feminist to be the father of your children.
1. He will worry if you have a boy. He believes you could be raising a future rapist.
He will wholeheartedly support genital mutilation of your son because it’s just one small step in reducing his sexual pleasures and urges, and it’s good for an infant boy’s first experience to be one of agony and suffering. It will help him relate to the suffering of women, and it will please his future sex partners aesthetically. Besides he won’t remember it anyways, and since we permit drunk women to be raped on the logic that they don’t remember it happening, this is perfectly acceptable. He will make certain to shame and censure all normal expressions of sexuality and teach your son that he is always to supplicate to the sexual whims and desires of women.
2. He will worry if you have a girl because she will be so disadvantaged in our society.
Your feminist father will never even for one second consider genital mutilation for your infant daughter because what kind of barbarian thinks cutting the sexual organs of a helpless infant is a sane thing to do? Your infant daughter will receive every advantage it is possible to give her from birth – more food, better food, more skin to skin contact, more soothing, more cuddling, more of everything to ameliorate the disadvantages she will soon face in an educational system, labor market and governance structure designed to reflect her needs and desires. She will be taught to evaluate her environment carefully and find the structural inequalities that are to blame for her failures and she will be protected from ever thinking her own actions might have contributed to any negative outcomes. “There, there sweetie. That swing hit you in the face because of gravity, which is patriarchal construct designed to hold you down, and not because you ran in front of it without looking.” You may want to set aside a special fund to pay for the inevitable stitches and dental surgery ignoring gravity is likely to result in.
3. He’ll side with your son’s teacher: he has a problem sitting still and doing his deskwork like the others. He’ll drive the boy to the doctor for Ritalin instead of signing him up for sports.
Your feminist father will fret endlessly when your son turns sticks into guns and insists on issuing his gender neutral, realistically proportioned dolls (that he will be given alongside every set of Legos) with mortars and launchers. He will fret even more when your son turns his Fischer Price Kitchen into a meth lab where he makes poisonous concoctions and strategizes about how to defeat the bad guys. Your son will happily make Play-doh flowers with his Sitting Pretty Gardening set and then have his T-Rex dolls gleefully tear their heads off. When the teacher notices that your son seems overly interested in engaging with the world in a physical, exploratory, hands-on way, your feminist husband will agree this can only lead to bad outcomes like engineering and building rockets that land on comets and will insist on drugging the boy into a stupor so he can develop conformity, obedience and docility.
4. He will tell your daughter that any trouble with math or science homework is because she was discouraged by seeing a man’s bowling shirt on TV.
Your feminist father will reassure your daughter that experiencing difficulties with math or science homework, or experiencing a lack of interest in these subjects is the result of the patriarchy refusing to acknowledge or support women in these traditionally masculine pursuits. He will spend a considerable amount of time going through the vast number of publicly financed programs and courses designed to engage girls with STEM, and attempt to reconcile her interest with all things pink, sparkly and pretty with the centripetal force requirement needed to analyze the motion of objects in circles. He will attempt to use hula hoops, rhinestones and hair clippies to engage her and she will continue to turn her dump trucks (which she will be given with every plastic baking set she receives) into comfy beds for her unicorn collection.
5. He will be happy when your prepubescent daughter starts dressing like a slut. He knows this is empowerment for her.
Eventually your daughter will morph from frilly Princess dresses into push up bras, thongs, tummy-baring tank tops and leather pants and the sooner this happens, the more satisfied your feminist father will be. He will be pleased when his third grader demonstrates an understanding of human sexuality and reclaims the pedophilic gaze for herself. He will be proud when perfect strangers stammer “She’s how old? My, that’s a lot of mascara” in the grocery store and he will encourage her to explore the artificiality and performativity of gender in her manner of dress and comportment. He will take her on slut walks and teach her that what she wears has no effect on how people treat her and anyone who thinks it is inappropriate for a 9 year old to wear an “I <3 Cock” t-shirt is a misogynist who hates women and should be denounced publicly as such. He will happily make the denouncement for her.
6. He will take your son to a “walk a mile in her shoes event.” Humiliation is good for the male psyche.
Your feminist father will make face a conundrum when your son sees a cool astrophysicist on TV wearing an awesome shirt that he went and ordered with his bitcoin stash, clearly demonstrating that he does not understand how clothing choices can have an impact, often severe, on those around him. He will want to punish your son by refusing to take him to the “Walk A Mile In Her Shoes” event, thereby denying him the opportunity to understand how patriarchal beauty standards negatively affect women and effectively cripple them by forcing them to choose to wear impractical and often painful footwear. Your feminist father will ultimately decide that is important for your son to experience the humiliation and disabling effects of patriarchy, but not before forcing your son to burn his beloved shirt and repeat “I must not make women uncomfortable with my clothing choices” one thousand times.
7. He will teach your daughter that her sexual choices have no consequence and she may change her mind later. If she feels regret she may call it rape.
Your feminist father will become visibly upset when your daughter asks to be enrolled in mixed martial arts classes so she can deal with asshats, both male and female, who might threaten her with harm or actively attempt to harm her. He will patiently explain to her that self-defence contributes to rape culture and victim-blaming and that she must never even think that risk management behaviours are appropriate or intelligent. He will reassure her that all sexual choices are contingent upon how she feels at any particular moment before, during or after said choices are made, and that she does not need any way to back up her decisions and should simply demand compliance, although this request for compliance does not need to be stated or indicated in any way. Your daughter will learn that it is the responsibility of her sexual partners to determine how she feels or may come to feel about any given situation and she is not to blame for any adverse outcomes that may arise.
8. If by virtue of practice and hard work your son accomplishes some goal, he will be told to check his privilege.
Your feminist father, especially if he is white and heterosexual, will convey to your son at every opportunity that he is privileged over all women everywhere in all circumstances and he must take steps to address his privilege and advance the needs and rights of those less privileged than himself. He will be taken to view homeless men living in a city park and be given real world examples of how men participate in street harassment creating uncomfortable and mildly annoying conditions for women who must navigate public spaces in expensive shoes on their way to buy four dollar beverages that smell like cheap potpourri and taste even worse. Your son will be instructed in how to blame the poor and disadvantaged (as long as they’re men) for all irritations that cause women the slightest degree of discomfort. He will learn that his accomplishments are not the result of hard work, effort, intelligence and perseverance, but the result of the patriarchy producing unearned benefits for people who work hard and persevere in the face of obstacles.
9. Your son will be taught that violence against women is wrong, but violence against men is expected.
Your feminist husband will teach your son that he must never, ever hit a woman under any circumstances and even if he ends up with a black eye or a hatchet in the head or a beer glass embedded in his face, he must always ask what he did to deserve it and resolve to be a better person henceforth. He will be taught “bystander intervention” and he will learn that he is expected to physically and forcefully intervene without concern for risk to his own person whenever he sees a woman being subjected to anything that might be considered unpleasant or exasperating. He will sign his selective service card grateful for the opportunity to die so that women can finally be equal.
Your feminist husband will be confident in his approach to raising your children (remember there is no requirement that the children be biologically his and even if they are, they are still your property and you may enforce your ownership with the assistance of family courts and law), but your children will be miserable, guilt and anxiety ridden trainwrecks who have no idea how to navigate a world in which the majority of people want to ban the word “feminist” because feminists kinda suck. Those are the same people who think you and your feminist husband are batshit insane.
And they’re right.