I never thought about a life without you. I always saw my life with you. I saw having a future with you. I saw us getting married, having kids, and growing old together. I admit I’m a hopeless romantic. I’ve watched so many dramas where there were problems, but in the end it got resolved. Oh how I wish that would have happened to us. The hopeless romantic in me still believes we will have a happy ending and I will still have you in my life. But the realist in me is saying “Stop thinking that, you have to live a life without him.”
Now here I am, trying to live without you. It’s hard. You were the one person I confided to in everything about. I told you everything that made me happy. I told you everything that made me sad for the day. I told you what made mad in that day. I told you pretty much everything. And now? Now I have to just write it out in a journal or talk to myself in my head.
You see. The life I imagined was you and me going on adventures. I saw us driving around and finding something to do. I saw us going on picnics and exploring the city. I saw you comforting me during the storms (literally and figuratively). I saw myself waking up to you in the morning. I saw you there helping me through the crowd. I saw myself supporting you in your entire future career and I saw you supporting me a well. I saw us working through all the ups and downs through life. The ups and downs we would have, as well as the ups and downs that life would throw at us. I saw us working through all of them. I remembered thinking you were going to be the ones to wipe my tears away.
But when you were the one who let those tears appear on my face, when you let me cry and didn’t do anything and just watched me cry. I knew at that moment, I had lost you and you were stepping out of my life. I’m still so silly to hold on to some hope that we might be together again. I remember that last hug you gave, and I remember how tight that hug was. And that’s why I feel that you still care.
But you let me cry. You stepped out my life. Now I’m here trying to convince myself to live without you.
You said you were sorry for making me cry and I vaguely remember if you said that you did not want to make me cry anymore. But, every day is another struggle. Every day is another day where tears threaten to escape my eyes.
My life without you is me holding back tears every day. But a life without you is also so much more.
A life without you is…
Facing my fears alone,
Becoming more active,
Being more social,
Learning to love everything about life,
Learning to find happiness in everyday things,
Learning to be more adventurous,
Filling the void you left behind
Trying to love all the hobbies I use to do before my heart shattered,
Learning to believe that there is still love out there,
A life without you is hard. But, maybe it is what I need. Maybe a life without me is what you need too. Maybe right now we need to find ourselves. I hope we find ourselves now that we are broken up. I hope that in this process of healing and living without you, I learn more about life and learn to love again.