At the very start, you have to wear the reality like a blanket; suddenly engulfing every pain and truth after knowing what is really happening. You begin to see that the nights filled with unexplainable tears and cries that have their own meanings. It is not about being too sensitive or fragile.
It is more than blaming yourself and your soft heart for its weakness.
The struggle of accepting your condition seems to be so difficult yet refreshing at the same time. You do not have to ask yourself a million of questions why you are always awake in the wee hours of the night and why you are feeling a deep and excruciating pain within you.
The attachment you have with people becomes so isolated and distant until you find yourself giving up.
There are these days that you are so angry with yourself and there are moments you feel so pitiful you cannot even get up and work for the rest of the day.
What I have learned from depression is that you can still work and continue living but you will feel all the emptiness lurking and guarding you. You can always be happy in front of many people. You tend to love things so much and end up hating them after all.
You cannot hear the music and beauty of your own laughter anymore. You hate yourself for being so selfless and for trusting on people. You do not appreciate the bloom of sunflowers during its season. You hate sunrise for it means you have to survive another day again. Everything will never be the same as before.
You lose a lot of friends and they let you. You keep on asking yourself why the people you love the most eventually leave you hanging and that you have to strive to be good enough for everyone you know.
You discover how the closest people in your life begin to doubt your own feelings. They do not believe you and you have to fight every single day alone, again and again, until it is so hard for you to live.
But do not get me wrong, because no matter hard it is to fight the battle with no one else to be with you, there will always be those who will support you and make you feel you deserved to be loved.
Little things from few friends who stayed will always hold you back from doing cruel things to yourself. Tight hugs, free mangoes for lunch, a motivation note on your office table, short conversations, and the presence of your beloved dog after a tiring day keep you from surviving. These little things when combined altogether form the biggest gifts.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and I think it’s okay.