No matter how old you get it still feels like a big fucking deal when you and your sister have your parent’s house to yourselves. Opportunities to act like a lunatic and act destructive seem to arise out of thin air. It seems as if your parents drawers are audibly begging you to open them. The only food items you are able to perceive and consume are cheese and corn syrup. The kitty litter sits untouched— for days. Mischief ahead.
1. Solely consume microwave burritos and mac and cheese.
2. Make ‘fancy’ cocktails with your parents ‘hidden’ stash of hard alcohol.
3. Lie on the couch for hours in your dad’s cashmere sweaters, drinking your parents’ wine and purchasing unnecessarily expensive movies on Amazon.
4. Obvious one: Throw a party—invite all of the boys your dad sent away/banned from the house in high school.
5. Cut each other’s hair (and leave it on the floor for a while).
6. Innocently ‘scope out’ the drawer you know your mom keeps extra cash in…
7. Clip your toenails on the couch.
8. Sweet talk your neighbors into not making that noise complaint.
9. Give your sister a second piercing (sleep-away camp flashbacks).
10. Smoke weed inside while watching TV, cooking dinner, taking a bath…
11. Shower beer!
12. Blast music and dance around in your underwear.
13. Nap all day.
14. Raid your mom’s closet (and the hidden stash of clothes in the basement she thinks you guys don’t know about).
15. Eat 5 extra gummy vitamins.
16. Scan your butts.
17. Take the embarrassing pictures of yourself from your awkward middle school phase when you randomly had brown hair and a huge nose and hide them away in your drawer.
18. Call your parents periodically to assure them that everything is going peachy and that you two are getting along.
19. Bring all the comforters, blankets and pillows into the tv room and indulge in the pure comfort.
20. Leave your dishes in the sink for a while–you’ll get around to them…
21. Eat goldfish over the rug.
22. Order obscene amounts of food from your parents’ seamless account.
23. Clean everything up right before your parents come home so they believe you’ve been nothing but angels.