Never in a million years did I believe I can make it through. Being in a long distance relationship makes you feel a different kind of loneliness. It’s gut-wrenching. It feels like you’re out of breath, as if there’s a huge hole in your chest. A kind of loneliness that I don’t ever want to experience again.
I was in a long distance relationship for two years. It felt longer though. Just writing this makes my breathing shallow. That’s how miserable it was. Days then seemed to move at a snail’s pace. Nights were colder and longer. Occasions were boring. Life was tedious.
The whole experience was awful. The distance twisted my reasoning and drained me, physically and mentally.
And that’s just the start.
Us becomes you and me.
What once was strong as fire
Our flames were as blue as Sapphire
Now we’re bound to an endless mire
An intricate story, sickening and dire
When you’re in a long distance relationship the us part splits to you and me. You will grow without each other. Your attitudes will change. Priorities will change. You will discover new things about yourself. Even if you two are miles apart, the universe is sad and all, but life still happens. I became anxious of what the future entails. We loved each other for who we are then, but are we still going to love each other for who we will become? I can’t imagine how will the pieces fit when the puzzle is constantly changing.
The humdrum of missing each other.
Feel my touch, You can’t
Feel my kiss, You can’t
Let the distance be our torment
In this deafening silence of lament
One year in the relationship, I was getting tired of hearing the same questions, same stories, same small talks. I started lying to excuse myself from another phone call. I got tired of the deafening silence when we ran out of things to say. The line “I love you” became more of a habit — a responsibility. A reminder that we’re still together. I love him. God I love him so much, but there are moments when I don’t but I still say those three words to assure him everything is alright.
Happiness equals guilt.
I started questioning myself if I’m too happy. Am I allowed to be happy when he’s not here? Melancholia filled me and the slightest inkling of happiness makes me judge myself. Do I deserve it? I guess not because it feels like cheating in a different, twisted kind of way. It’s alarming when I realized I can be happy. I can be happy without him by my side. Then it hit me. He can also be happy without me. If we can find happiness without each other, what’s the point then?
You feel like you’re in movie, except you’re not.
The sky is red
The birds have fled
A wreath of roses in my bed
Sweet and sorrow it read
I remember our first Valentine’s day apart; I went for a drive-thru at McDonald’s after work. I was beginning to feel the blues so I chose calories. And there I was, stuck in traffic watching couples hold hands, laugh, just seeing these people together — I started crying. I bawled my eyes out inside my car while I munch on my burger and fries. It was raining that day. You’d thought I’m in a romantic comedy, but no, it was real. That was my life.
It feels like you’re not in a real relationship.
Time is my rival
Resolve is my reprisal
Go forth the dream of survival
The last gasp for the final
It felt more like a virtual relationship because it exists online. Intimacy is crucial and long distance can easily break that without even trying. Sure, the latest technology can make it doable but physical absence makes love weaker and uncertainty stronger. We were forced to believe what each other is saying and the slightest discrepancies made us question everything. It was no longer a trust game; it was more of who will doubt the other first.
You will get used to it and it sucks.
When you tell other people how difficult it is to be in a long distance relationship, they try to empathize by saying, “You’ll get used to it.” I thought getting used to our situation was a good thing, but no. Getting used to being apart is the worst that can happen. It’s like saying, “I’m okay without you. It does not matter you’re not here anymore because I’m used to it.”
No, I don’t want that so I did what any sane person will do to keep the relationship going — I held on to the loneliness, embraced the pain, and reminded myself every day that I’m alone. The distance makes love anticlimactic and life monotonous.
Poem Credit: “Roses” by Royal Essence