I’ll always be here, no matter what.
I am well aware that there are times you get a little too lonely. When you feel like no one is there for you. When you think that the only thing you can hold onto is the sharp edge of the blade you bought for yourself last Christmas. Or the noose you have tied and untied way too many times on the ceiling of your messy bedroom.
I know every single pain you have tried to hide. All those silent tears rolling down your cheeks when you’re walking home from school alone. Those muffled shouts you release into your pillow when you can’t handle that heavy feeling on your chest anymore. Your muted cries for help that were once as loud as blaring speakers.
I’m sorry that you had no other choice but to mute them. I’m sorry that your cries either fell on deaf ears or were interpreted as drama by the exact people you have believed to always have your back.
I have noticed all those times you spaced out in between conversations. Not the kind you do when we talk about destiny and fate. When we mention the Universe and all the matter within it. No, not as wonderful as that. Instead, it’s when your eyes turn blank even though your lips are curved into such a sweet and reassuring smile. When I can see myself reflected in them without seeing even a single glint of recognition.
I am familiar with those deadly thoughts you have at the back of your mind. The ones you always try to disguise with a smile, a shrug and the most innocent laugh I have ever heard.
Who would have thought that someone like you would have those kinds of ideas. Someone so friendly, so kind, so considerate. Who would have thought that the girl with that big smile and that ribbon headband would think of pulling the trigger on her own life? Who would have thought?
If by chance that I didn’t get to know you too well, I’d say that I would have had a hard time finding out. It’s not really impossible for you’ve handed out way too many clues. Sadly, people have ignored them the same way you’ve ignored your own well being. When you think of them before yourself. When you reject being listened to because you believe that you are simply a bother. When instead of letting everything out, you try your best to keep them bottled up while you listen to everyone else. Listen to them so that they wouldn’t feel the same way you do.
I know. I know.
I have heard your cries and I know that I won’t ever know exactly what you’re going through. I can only guess with what I have observed and with what you tell me. I am not aware of the pain for my demons are nothing compared to yours. I never have tried doing what you have already done. My thoughts have never entered that zone of danger whilst yours consider it as home base.
You’ve had nights where you couldn’t even fathom existing in this world anymore. Midnight thoughts that were more profound and deadly than weapons brought into wars. Moments when you couldn’t even breathe. All you did was cry silently as you hugged yourself. Trying your very best not to be heard by your family in the next room. There were times when you poured everything into your art so that you wouldn’t do anything rash. But there were also times when you couldn’t handle all the emotions. Times when your insecurities and your demons got the better of you. Times when you gave in and turned to what I wished you never have done.
I can’t blame you. I apologize for whatever reaction I had then but I just want to tell you now that I understand. I do not approve of it but I do, in fact, understand. You had no one and I am sorry.
I know it’s been rough but I want you to know that I am here. I want you to understand that those cuts and bruises you’ve inflicted on yourself are not implications of your self-worth. Instead, they are implications of all the struggles and problems you’ve gone through.
All of your insecurities and dark times that you have survived. And as you are reading this, I hope that my words, my warmth and my love are somehow reaching you through the screen. I hope my sentences wrap themselves around you similar to a loving embrace.
You’ve been alone all these years and I’m sure you’re no longer used to company.
You’ve tried to handle all your problems alone so that you wouldn’t get into anyone’s way.
You’ve burnt yourself just to satisfy the people around you and you got even more disappointed when you finally realized that you could never please everyone.
You’ve smiled and laughed and acted strong all these years even though you were on the brink of shutting down.
You’ve build up walls around yourself just to create the illusion that you are strong. Just to hide the fact that you are soft-hearted even thought it’s already obvious to the world whose ready to take advantage of it the very moment it could.
You’ve handled everything on your own for far too long. I want you to know that I am here.
I can be a shoulder to cry on whenever you feel like breaking down. I’ll be your concrete wall whenever you feel like collapsing from all the exhaustion. I’ll listen. I swear I’ll listen to understand and never to judge. I will be here even through the miles between us.
This is no longer a question of friendship or identity. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I hope you understand that you are loved and appreciated dearly.
When the time comes that you can no longer take it. When you feel your common sense slipping through your fingers… Lower the gun, untie the noose, close the pill bottle, throw away the vices, hide the blade and go talk to me.
I don’t care if we know each other or not. If we haven’t talked for a year or a day. If I am busy or just lazing around. I will be here to listen and to just make you feel my presence.
Whatever happens, I am begging you, please know that I am here for you.
I always will be.