I can still remember the night you told me that there was someone else. That you only saw me as a friend and that you were sorry about hurting me. I knew it was coming and there was hardly any apologies needed. We both consensually agreed to have fun.
“It should only be fun and games.” I thought I was ready for that, but I have never been so wrong in my life.
The butterflies I felt in my stomach suddenly turned into a wrench pulling my gut out. I knew in between fun times, in between silly text messages, I was slowly falling for you. Who wouldn’t? You are adorable, and brilliant, and so full of life. It was refreshing to spend time with you. I would love to spend more time with you, but I guess that’s not possible now.
I would’ve wanted to do more things together. Take you to the museums, walk around different parks, drive endlessly, random beach trips, eat exotic food, watch really sappy TV shows, play board games, et al. I would’ve wanted to do things with you — things I have only read about or have only seen on the internet. The idea of “us” together has never left my mind.
Days have passed and everything remained the same — except for the fact that you are seeing him, and not me. The texts are still as frequent – the good mornings, the goodnights, and the in-betweens. But I knew in my heart that I have lost the fight. How can I win against the guy with the PERFECT EVERYTHING? Yet somehow I still clung to the slightest ray of hope that you would see me in the same light.
I’m sure you don’t know, but a lot of times I’m still up at 3am trying to figure out what went wrong.
What was wrong with me. There were nights I couldn’t help but cry with the thought that you were seeing him, holding his hand, knowing deep inside that it could have been me. It should have been me. It would have been us. There were days I couldn’t help but stare at our pictures together, remembering the day I first held your hand. Reminiscing the day when I was desperately trying to make you smile when I knew you were having the worst day of your life.
I couldn’t help but look back to that night when you called me up after having a really bad dream and how you were scared to go back to sleep again. I could still recall all the times we closed our eyes during 11:11 and silently uttered our hearts’ desires. Little did you know, I was wishing for you.
We had really great memories together and it was silly of me to think that there could be a chance. But then I got slapped with the monumental truth — you were running while I was falling and I didn’t see it.
My fairy tale suddenly turned into a nightmare in a snap of a finger. I wish I could hate you, but my heart is filled with so much love for you still. I guess I could say it now — yes, I love you. I love you now and I will still probably love you for a long time. I love you, and sometimes, for a few times, I felt you almost loved me, too.