I Don’t Love You Anymore, And That’s Fine

People say one’s great love is very, very hard to forget. You cannot pretend to not remember how they made you feel the first time they looked at you in a different way. You cannot disregard the fact that butterflies are all over your body the first time you held hands. And you cannot deny that your first kiss was as zoological as ever. Just like how I cannot forget, not pretend, disregard, and deny all of these with my own old story.

Life happened. We fell apart. We had a reason, and that’s what’s keeping us apart until today. It happened for a reason. It shall stay because of that reason.

We spared moments separately, had different lives, engaged in things that further pushed our connections apart. We stayed so far from each other, unintentionally, that the thin line that once linked us both just broke. And I knew for sure, there is no return. There is no turning back to that familiar area.

That’s when I started to remember. The initial gazes, the butterflies, the kisses, and even the reason. I started to believe his remembrance is with me for life and I started to know it sucks that we became strangers again. I thought it was painful to realize that you’re not the way you both used to be anymore. I started to fuss about being strangers forever with someone you are so familiar with. But then again, looking back, I realized I never really want to go back. Because I have long forgotten all about that person anymore. Not our memories together. But that person individually.

I had long forgotten about how he smells. Long forgotten about his favorite place. Sporadic moments reminding me of his favorite color are unreliable anymore. I wouldn’t even know for sure what his favorite meal is. I had forgotten about his mannerisms. About what irritates him, and what can make his mood turn good when his day is crap. I can’t remember the color of his eyes, the redness of his lips. I don’t even know if his hands are longer than mine when they used to intertwine. I don’t know his favorite movie, what he likes to eat when it’s a hot day. Does he like ice cream more than Cola? Does he wear jeans or shorts? Did he ever finish a book? Did he like this chick flick that we watched together long ago? I can’t recall. I had forgotten about what his sighs mean, what his eye contacts want to say. I could never determine anymore what his actions signify. I don’t know him anymore.

He really is a total stranger to me now. A foreigner in the land that is my life. An alien in the planet that is my mind. And that’s just plain fine.

It’s not that I had forgotten about our first date. The first time he told me he loved me. It’s not that I could not remember the first time he cried over me. They were all part of my life and what’s part of mine can never be forgotten. Just like how the new memories being made right now, which create a part of me, can never be forgotten in the future.

It’s just that, I simply don’t know him anymore. It’s fine because you remember some, then you forget some. I still remember my first doll, but I can’t recall the name of my first playmate who played dolls with me. I loved how my very first pair of shoes made me believe I’m the most special girl in the room, but I don’t know its brand name anymore, or even its color. I loved him. I really did. But I just don’t recollect him any longer. I remember our love, but I don’t remember him as a person. I somehow bear in mind how he made me feel, but I can no longer see in my memory how he even looked like. It’s like being in a dream and meeting someone there whose face you can’t anymore picture the moment you wake up. But you know what you felt in that dream. You just can’t go back to keeping that face in mind. And I don’t think I can ever go back to knowing him again. He is not the same familiar thing I once wanted to go back to.

He’s someone I can never know again. Someone I will never know. I once knew him, and now I don’t. That’s totally okay. Because that only gave my mind some memory space to know someone new. Someone whose sighs I know the meaning of. Someone whose favorite color I remember, whose favorite movie I can verify. Someone whose mannerisms I can decipher, no matter how annoying they are. And hopefully, someone who will not be another stranger in the future. Maybe I really have to lose that memory, so that I can set a better one in my brain. Just like in technology, you have to delete some data to give space for an improved application.

And should there come a time that this one becomes a stranger as well, at least it would be easier for me to understand and accept that fact. Because it’s a perfect sign that indeed, in life, you lose some things to acquire new and better ones. TC mark

featured image – Eleazar

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