1. I read too much. Growing up, I was the child who was never allowed to play outside, books were my refuge and its characters were my friends. So now, why would I go out and actually meet someone, when I could just pick up a book and imagine myself a boyfriend? I mean has anyone ever read Perks of Being a Wallflower? Ok, yes Charlie is a little bit on the sensitive side. And he has a whole lot of personal issues going on, but really who doesn’t.
2. I went to an all girls high school. I totally missed out on meeting amazing 15 year old boys who would have really helped me be more comfortable in my skin. Adolescence was so much harder going to school with only girls, instead of being competitive with other girls over boys, I had to be competitive over grades and actual school work. As a result, now I really don’t know how to make or foster male friendships, I only know how to make friendships with other girls who I have a lot in common with and make me feel like a reasonable person.
3. I get a crush if someone breathes in my direction. This is a direct result of (#2) It literally could be anyone, anywhere at anytime. I could be standing next to a guy on the subway for 10 minutes, I’ll see that he’s reading, instant love affair. A gentleman could accidentally step on my foot and turn to me to say sorry, I’d start planning our first date.
4. I’m painfully shy when it comes to the opposite sex. I have no problem talking to people ever. I can stand up for myself. I’m friendly and outgoing. How am I shy, right? There is this thing my brain does where it shuts down if I’m talking to someone I’m even the slightest bit attracted to, (please see #3). #singledom.
5. I hate everyone. I really just can’t be bothered most of the time. Talking to people, making plans, leaving my apartment, it’s all just so much. The thought of everything just makes me so tired.
6. I’ve never met someone I was interested in. This goes against # 3 but my reasoning is, that developing a crush super easily is mostly superficial. Someone liking the same music or making eye contact on a crowded train does not really make for a real reason to be in a relationship.
7. I don’t know many people. We often overestimate how deep our friend-pool really is. I went a small liberal art school in Manhattan, I did not live on campus, and I did not make a large enough effort to meet more people. This is no ones fault but my own, I’m simply stating the obvious. #nonewfriends more like #nofriendsatall
8. I may come off as intimidating? This was said to me, so I don’t know how true it is. But this person also told me I come across as really smart in a self aware way “you’re like real” (lol wut?) Apparently not smiling and being happy all the time or just being really focused and goal oriented comes off as unapproachable. I do wear some black and I’m mostly by myself a lot but that’s mainly because I just don’t make friends really easily.
9. I’m not brave. I am more of the sufferer in silence type. I know there’s the whole going for what you want, grabbing life by the balls, taking initiative thing. But that is easier said than done. It’s so hard to even think about telling someone how you feel and risking them not reciprocating the feelings. Much less, to actually go for it, do it and tell them, and then having to see that rejection right in front of your face/cellphone screen. I’m reeling from the embarrassment just thinking about it now.
10. I’ve never had a boyfriend. Just like impossible task of getting an internship or a job. To get the position you need experience, to get experience you need the position.
BONUS: It’s just not that important to me. I can eat, sleep, do my work, pass my classes and sufficiently survive without the validation of my existence by a guy. Of course it’s not only validation, but a certain set of perks: see (snuggles, kisses, human gloves for the winter, someone to send funny pictures or cool songs to). At the end of the day, I am happy and am alive.