You Guys? Finding Love Doesn’t Need To Be As Complicated As You’re Making It, Ok?

Irina Bg
Irina Bg

If anyone tells you that they know the secret to finding everlasting love, run the fuck away. They’re lying. Love isn’t something that can be quantified. There are no steps you can take which will guarantee that love exists at the end of the course. You can find yourself doing all the “right” things and still be without the love you desire. You can love yourself and still be alone. You can hate yourself and be in a relationship. All that well-meaning advice on what it takes to find love is purely conjecture.

Because, there is no one way to find love. There shouldn’t be. You shouldn’t need to go through seminars and workshops or read book after book in order to find someone who you love and who loves you. None of these people leading seminars or writing books know enough about you, specifically, in order to give you advice. They will categorize you and lump you into a group, mostly determined by your gender. They will give you problems you don’t have, so they can solve them. They will convince you that you are not good enough, that you need help, and then they will be there in order to glue together the pieces of what they have broken. People like to think they have the answers to all your ailments, but a lack of love is not a symptomatic problem that can be diagnosed and treated. The love you give and the love you take is personal to you. It belongs only to you.

You need to stop giving your life to others. Nobody has the answers to solve your life. Except you. You have all the answers if you just let yourself listen to you. You know when something does not sit right in your bones. You know when someone is worth taking a chance on. You know when you’re being loved. You know when you’re giving all of yourself to someone else. You just know. You really do. Maybe you’re shaking your head right now or you’re getting angry and you’re saying, “No, I fuck everything up, I don’t know!” You don’t fuck everything up. You have to trust the fucking process of your life. You have to trust the timing.

You have to trust YOURSELF.

Yourself.

When all is said and done, you’re the one that has to live your life. Nobody else. Nobody who is telling you their version of your life has to live inside your life. They can say whatever they want, lead you down toxic paths, whatever, because there is nothing in it for them. They are not invested. You have to be 100% invested in your life. You have to stop giving that to someone else to carry.

You have to find ways to get really quiet with yourself. You have to listen to that voice inside of you that is trying to talk over all the noise and bullshit you have constantly buzzing in your head. When the love you want comes into your life, you’ll need that trust in yourself. You’ll want to know who you are and what you are capable of. You’ll want to know how to go inward and recognize when something sits right or not. You’ll want to depend on yourself, so you don’t get lost in that love.

You’ll want to know what your voice sounds like, before you start listening to someone else’s voice. It’s easy to get swept up in the passion of love. It’s easy to lose yourself and not in the good way. This isn’t a romantic comedy. This is your fucking life and you don’t need to lose yourself in another person. You can’t. You got shit to do in this one big life. Romantic love is a part of it. But, you have things to give, love to give elsewhere, energy to be spent on a big life. This is it. This is your life. Rise to it. Listen to yourself. Trust yourself. Find ways to hear that voice inside of you and you’ll never need others to tell you who you are, what you can sustain, or what is best for you. Because you’ll know. You’ll always know. TC mark


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Jamie Varon

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Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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