1. When you are certain you are going to be late—due to unforeseen(!) and unavoidable(!) circumstances—and somehow, like a punctuality magician, arrive just on time. That’s how it’s done, people!
2. When your entire family or friend group is running late and you’re just sitting on the couch perfectly ready to go with time to spare tapping your foot like, “Are we going to leave anytime soon? I’ve literally been ready for 20 minutes. Chop chop!”
3. When you had a strong urge to leave much earlier than you typically would have and, lo and behold, there is traffic and you’re the first to arrive at the restaurant so you get to enjoy a beverage before anyone else arrives and they all come in chaotic and late, but you’re halfway into a buzz like a stress-free boss.
4. When you’re early to anything and you get that smug feeling of satisfaction like, yeah, I’m great at getting to things on time, go me!
5. When you call someone exactly on the dot of your agreed-upon call and they are crazy impressed and say, “Whoa, it’s EXACTLY 3pm!” And you’re like, I know. I am so fucking punctual. In your face late people!
6. When your late friend is late YET AGAIN and you’re just thinking, jeez Becky, BE MORE PREDICTABLE. You know what would BLOW MY MIND, Becky!? IS IF YOU SHOWED UP ON TIME FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!
7. When Becky becomes your best friend for never.
8. When you’re super early to an appointment because being late is NEVER an option (unless you’re dying) and so you sit in your car scrolling through Twitter for 20 minutes, which is a waste of time, but it’s better than the alternative of having to face people after you’ve made them wait for you, as if the world just revolves around you and everyone has time to just sit around while your ROYAL HIGHNESS shows up.
9. When you make a conscious decision to be late to a party or get-together or something where it would be lame to be on time and you show up like 5 minutes late and you’re all, I DID IT I WAS LATE HAHAHA SEE? I CAN BE LATE! I’M BREEZY! I’M COOL!
10. …Except you’re still early because no one is there.
11. When someone acknowledges you for your punctuality and you’re over there just all, “Who? Me? Oh, it’s nothing! I just like being on time, is all!”
12. …Except it is SO NOT NOTHING. You put so much energy into being punctual, finally
one person the world acknowledges your EFFORT!
13. When there’s a situation in which the axiom “the early bird gets the worm” actually comes true and you’re the bird and you get the worm over someone who is always late and you’re like PUNCTUAL PEOPLE VICTORY!
14. When you are basically the most considerate person ever because you never make anyone wait on you or have to adjust their plans for you or ever put someone out just because you’re too ~free spirited~ or ~inconsiderate~ to be on time.
15. WHEN LATE PEOPLE ARE LATE. YOU WILL ALWAYS THROW SHADE ON LATE PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT. GET IT TOGETHER LATE PEOPLE! US PUNCTUAL PEOPLE ARE DONE WAITING ON YOU FOR GOD’S SAKES.
16. When you literally break up with someone because they’re always late. You will kill them eventually. Good to get out now before there is bloodshed.
17. When you find someone who you love and who also cannot handle being late and you’re just all, let’s get married tomorrow at 2:00pm, meet you at the chapel at 2 ON THE DOT MY PUNCTUALITY PARTNER IN LOVE!
18. When you read this entire list and you were all, you know, punctual people should colonize and start a New World where lateness is shamed forever and then you realize actually that’s Switzerland and you thought, hey, let’s all move to Switzerland. (LET’S!!!!)