But, don’t just go through the motions. Don’t rub and run. A quickie is always fun, but sometimes you have to light some candles, take a bubble bath, get into a good fantasy, and take your time with yourself. Get down with yourself the way you’d want someone to get down with you. Give yourself the pleasure only you could give yourself.
2. Get to your most powerful self.
Get back to your roots and play make-believe. Pretend that you need to get ready for an event or a meeting which requires you to be at your most powerful and confident. Wear the clothes, shoes, make up, whatever to get you to that mindset. Instead of going anywhere, take pictures of yourself and then admire them. Those pictures will remind you of how quickly you can transform yourself into the most powerful and confident version of you.
3. Lay on your bed and let yourself create the most delicious fantasy.
Do not skimp on any of the details. Let your mind graze for as long as you need. Craft it to your exact liking. Let yourself become wildly turned on. Give yourself permission to explore any fantasy, even the ones you might be ashamed of. This is only for you. Let yourself get to the business of sexual exploration… even if it’s only in your mind for now.
4. Find porn that makes you feel better about yourself.
Thankfully, the porn industry has become (finally) aware that women like to partake in watching other people getting it on. There are plenty of sites out there that will cater to whatever porn poison is yours. Find those. Find them and bookmark them. No shame allowed.
5. Empty your heart.
Take a moment to sit with yourself and write down your most vulnerable personal story, the one you never tell anyone. Once it’s written, send it off to the person you trust the most. Let this person be a witness to your story and your pain. Let someone into that part of you which you keep locked away. Free yourself from the burden of shame you’re carrying around.
6. Learn to radically accept yourself.
Think about all the parts of yourself you loathe. Then, ask yourself: what would I do if I radically accepted and loved those parts of myself? Write down all the things you’d do. Memorize that list. Every time self-loathing or self-criticism pops up in your mind, say to yourself: I radically accept and love this part of me. Keep doing it until it feels true. Keep conditioning yourself to default to radical acceptance of self.
7. Be alone.
Eat alone. Walk alone. Spend days and nights alone. Cultivate a relationship with yourself, starting immediately. Do not let loneliness consume you. Learn to be alone, contentedly, happily, joyously. Plan to go on a trip alone. Take yourself on lavish dates. Treat yourself like you are your first priority. Give yourself the love and attention you think you deserve. Love yourself without thinking you need someone else to prove that to you. Show up for you. Be the love you desire for yourself.
8. Sit at the bar alone and talk to the first interesting person you see.
Open-heartedly reach out to a stranger. Give someone else the gift of not feeling alone in this world. Listen to their story. Inquire about them. Learn the value of truly witnessing another person.
9. Celebrate another woman.
Too often, we are taught to compete with other women. We judge them harshly. We are pitted against them in almost every media outlet. Instead of perpetuating this toxic cycle of judgment and competition, cultivate a celebration of other women. Give the person you’re most envious of the most incredibly genuine compliment you can think of. Email that one woman you feel insanely jealous of. Break the damn cycle.
10. Make a mental list of everything that you’re capable.
… Then burn that list into your brain. Take a break from the constant chatter of self-doubt and self-criticism and fully allow yourself to acknowledge what you have accomplished. Give yourself a pause to dream, to hope again for the life you desire.
11. Call a friend and have a brag sesh.
Get your favorite friend on the phone and just be like, “Hey, I know we can get caught up in venting and frustration and how hard life can be, but can we just cut the shit for a second and brag to each other about what we’re proud of?” Chances are, she’ll be stoked.
12. After the brag sesh, do a gush sesh.
Once you both are done bragging that shit out, have a total gush session where you take turns telling one another what you love about each other. Ignore the desire to apologize for anything. Be unabashedly in celebration of yourself and your friend. There is nothing at all to be sorry for. You completely deserve to acknowledge that you’re fucking great.
13. Retrain your brain.
Watch a show, read a magazine, or go through the internet and every time you get the urge to judge another woman, turn it directly into a compliment of something you admire about them. You don’t need to say it out loud or tell them, but this will reprogram yourself to stop judging yourself and other women so critically. (Then, watch as the less you judge other women, the less you judge yourself. Funny how that happens.)
14. People watch with a twist.
Sit in a coffee shop or in public where there is lots of activity, then scan the room and point out something attractive, beautiful, sexy about each person your eye lands on. Discard the urge to focus in on your judgment. Retrain your mind to see the beauty in all people, instead of defaulting to snarkiness about their appearance.
15. Write your manifesto.
Open up a blank document. Copy the following prompt and paste into the top of the document: This is the kind of fucking woman I am…
16. Buy a sex toy meant for you only.
Think about the type of pleasure you enjoy. Then, do your research and find the one that suits your desires exactly. Buy it and think about all the orgasms about to come your way.
17. Create a playlist of music by women you truly admire.
Or, just listen to this one I created. You’re welcome…
18. Dance in your underwear
Blast above playlist, take off your pants if they’re not already off, put on your comfiest long t-shirt, grab something that resembles a microphone, and go to town. Dance till sweat trickles down your back. Dance until you collapse onto your bed. Dance until you have no choice, but to believe you are the sexiest woman alive.